Un-Maker

[Pryderi]

Impotent rage seethes beneath calloused flesh
He seeks to destroy me
His army of slags
Almost, we have lost many times
Little deaths pile up
Making corpses of feelings
As hope grew distant, in discordia and despair
Something awoke
Some memory of strength
No longer knight protector
I am skeleton woman
Womb to tomb
I will lay his machinations bare
Without bloodshed or his sinful twisting
And reawaken myself, my inner soul
Let him die alone
A legacy of ash
Immortality beyond his reaching fingers
As our family grows in strength and number
Numerous as the stars
Blossoming quietly
In the natural order
Love calls upon life
And there is power in abstinence
In the strength to deny baser urges
Of chaos, corruption and war
There is calm in knowing
I can say 'No'

This is the first poem I have written since high school. It came at a time in my life when I really felt the need to express myself in a different mode. Hope ya'll enjoy.

[billy]

great to see you left feedback elsewhere

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we have and indent feature [ind] or [ind][ind] etc that allows you to format 


i'me wondering if the beginning could come from somewhere else within the poem (mainly the first line) i'd suggest the 2nd line. had a hiccup with the 4th line but that could just be me. all in all i like it. i like how you took us on the journey to your way of dealing with life and the reality that we/you have a choice.

thanks for the read.

Impotent rage seethes beneath calloused flesh whose is the rage, yours?
[ind]He seeks to destroy me
[ind][ind]His army of slags
Almost, we have lost many times
[ind]Little deaths pile up
[ind][ind]Making corpses of feelings good metaphor here and above for straws on a camels back.
[ind]As hope grew distant, in discordia and despair
[ind][ind]Something awoke
Some memory of strength expand a little
[ind] No longer knight protector
[ind][ind]I am skeleton woman
[ind][ind][ind] Womb to tomb
I will lay his machinations bare
[ind]Without bloodshed or his sinful twisting i like the concept of war without violence
[ind][ind] And reawaken myself, my inner soul
[ind]Let him die alone
[ind][ind]A legacy of ash
[ind][ind][ind]Immortality beyond his reaching fingers
As our family grows in strength and number
[ind][ind]Numerous as the stars
[ind][ind][ind]Blossoming quietly
In the natural order
[ind]Love calls upon life
And there is power in abstinence
[ind]In the strength to deny baser urges
[ind][ind] Of chaos, corruption and war
[ind]There is calm in knowing
[ind][ind]I can say 'No'

This is the first poem I have written since high school. It came at a time in my life when I really felt the need to express myself in a different mode. Hope ya'll enjoy.

[Pryderi]

great to see you left feedback elsewhere

PHP Code:

we have and indent feature [ind] or [ind][ind] etc that allows you to format 


i'me wondering if the beginning could come from somewhere else within the poem (mainly the first line) i'd suggest the 2nd line had a hiccup with the 4th line but that could just be me. all in all i like it. i like how you took us on the journey to your way of dealing with life and the reality that we/you have a choice.

thanks for the read.

Impotent rage seethes beneath calloused flesh whose is the rage, yours?
[ind]He seeks to destroy me
[ind][ind]His army of slags
Almost, we have lost many times
[ind]Little deaths pile up
[ind][ind]Making corpses of feelings good metaphor here and above for straws on a camels back.
[ind]As hope grew distant, in discordia and despair
[ind][ind]Something awoke
Some memory of strength expand a little
[ind] No longer knight protector
[ind][ind]I am skeleton woman
[ind][ind][ind] Womb to tomb
I will lay his machinations bare
[ind]Without bloodshed or his sinful twisting i like the concept of war without violence
[ind][ind] And reawaken myself, my inner soul
[ind]Let him die alone
[ind][ind]A legacy of ash
[ind][ind][ind]Immortality beyond his reaching fingers
As our family grows in strength and number
[ind][ind]Numerous as the stars
[ind][ind][ind]Blossoming quietly
In the natural order
[ind]Love calls upon life
And there is power in abstinence
[ind]In the strength to deny baser urges
[ind][ind] Of chaos, corruption and war
[ind]There is calm in knowing
[ind][ind]I can say 'No'

This is the first poem I have written since high school. It came at a time in my life when I really felt the need to express myself in a different mode. Hope ya'll enjoy.

Thanks for the thoughtful crit Billy. You've given me some interesting things to think about, and I definitely agree that this segment:
"Some memory of strength
No longer knight protector
I am skeleton woman
Womb to tomb."
Needs a little tweaking, I think maybe I lost some steam with the emotional shift of the hopelessness moving into empowerment. Trying to write poetry that is somewhat positive in nature is new to me. This poem as a whole was a response to a blacksmith I know who hates me passionately. The rage in the first sentence is his. <3

[Todd]

Hi Pryderi, welcome to the site! A few comments for you:

You present an apocalyptic vision of what is probably a lover's relationship gone bad. The army of slags is a nice touch for the procession of casual infidelity as a weapon. Little deaths I'm taking as orgasms. You may want to pull up the making corpses to the little death line just to have the line break pop more. I am skeleton woman womb to tomb is your coolest image it makes me think of abdicating nurture and maybe miscarriage. Just some reflections.

I'd like to see you use more imagery instead of just telling us about the emotions. What does impotent rage and despair look like? Maybe ask that on every line and see where it takes you. Your symbols seem accessible. I think you just need to work on exchanging some of the abstractions with imagery.

I hope some of that's helpful.

Best,

Todd

Impotent rage seethes beneath calloused flesh
He seeks to destroy me
His army of slags
Almost, we have lost many times
Little deaths pile up
Making corpses of feelings
As hope grew distant, in discordia and despair
Something awoke
Some memory of strength
No longer knight protector
I am skeleton woman
Womb to tomb
I will lay his machinations bare
Without bloodshed or his sinful twisting
And reawaken myself, my inner soul
Let him die alone
A legacy of ash
Immortality beyond his reaching fingers
As our family grows in strength and number
Numerous as the stars
Blossoming quietly
In the natural order
Love calls upon life
And there is power in abstinence
In the strength to deny baser urges
Of chaos, corruption and war
There is calm in knowing
I can say 'No'

This is the first poem I have written since high school. It came at a time in my life when I really felt the need to express myself in a different mode. Hope ya'll enjoy.