Man Made Monster

[Keith]

1st Edit
Cornered by this damp stale room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane.

Manic strokes on calloused legs,
buckled tight, mind can’t breathe,
concrete wall will render sleep
tongue tastes iron when I bleed

Through teeth bled by guarded hands
inflicted pain with sticks concealed,
spittle runs to blood tiled floors,
the monsters makers are revealed.

Piss myself to gain your stage,
wild eyes have brought their fight,
the arms I bite bare my name,
moths have stained my naked light.



Original
Cornered in this dim dank room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane,

Rubbing hands on calloused knees,
praying that my wrists will bleed,
someone help me, hurt me please,
concrete wall will feed my need.

Through teeth smashed onto doors,
open sores, once picked won’t heal,
spitting mouth, blood tiled floor,
the man made monster is revealed.

Piss myself to seek out pain,
wild eyes have learned to fight,
the arms I bite bare my name,
moths have stained my naked light.

[brandontoh]

Cornered in this dim dank room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane, -- I really like this stanza. Nice imagery, and sets the mood for the whole poem. The only thing I'd change is the first line. Maybe into something more evoking like "Fetal crouch in corner dim and dank." That may spoil the rhyme scheme, however, if you want to keep it consistent.

Rubbing hands on calloused knees,
praying that my wrists will bleed,
someone help me, hurt me please,
concrete wall will feed my need. -- This stanza as a whole feels a little cliche, but not overly so. Once again, good imagery, but feels a little dry. Is it because you're trying to make it rhyme? I'm not sure.

Through teeth smashed onto doors,
open sores, once picked won’t heal,
spitting mouth, blood tiled floor,
the man made monster is revealed. -- Your stanzas so far have been providing nice imageries. I really like them. Same goes for this one. Only line 2 and 4 feels a little too 'telling' and weak. Nothing some rephrasing won't fix. =)

Piss myself to seek out pain,
wild eyes have learned to fight,
the arms I bite bare my name,
moths have stained my naked light. -- I especially like the last line. Same problem I have with the rest of the poem though. The lines are good, but I can easily see them being better than they are. I'm not sure if it's better now that I minimise the suggestions I make with my feedback, so do tell me if you prefer some rephrasing suggestions from me or not. Hope I'm of help. =)

[Pryderi]

I especially enjoyed the first stanza:
Cornered in this dim dank room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane,

'Cockroaches know my game' that line stands out in my mind as being really powerful. I feel like later on it loses a little steam. The last line of the second stanza seems awkward, maybe a little forced 'concrete wall will feed my need' although I like the internal 'feed vs need' rhyme. All in all I think this is a pretty cool poem. I like the dark imagery. Might need a little revision though. <3 Thanks for sharing!

[Keith]

Cornered in this dim dank room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane, -- I really like this stanza. Nice imagery, and sets the mood for the whole poem. The only thing I'd change is the first line. Maybe into something more evoking like "Fetal crouch in corner dim and dank." That may spoil the rhyme scheme, however, if you want to keep it consistent.

Rubbing hands on calloused knees,
praying that my wrists will bleed,
someone help me, hurt me please,
concrete wall will feed my need. -- This stanza as a whole feels a little cliche, but not overly so. Once again, good imagery, but feels a little dry. Is it because you're trying to make it rhyme? I'm not sure.

Through teeth smashed onto doors,
open sores, once picked won’t heal,
spitting mouth, blood tiled floor,
the man made monster is revealed. -- Your stanzas so far have been providing nice imageries. I really like them. Same goes for this one. Only line 2 and 4 feels a little too 'telling' and weak. Nothing some rephrasing won't fix. =)

Piss myself to seek out pain,
wild eyes have learned to fight,
the arms I bite bare my name,
moths have stained my naked light. -- I especially like the last line. Same problem I have with the rest of the poem though. The lines are good, but I can easily see them being better than they are. I'm not sure if it's better now that I minimise the suggestions I make with my feedback, so do tell me if you prefer some rephrasing suggestions from me or not. Hope I'm of help. =)

Thank you for your considered feedback I have used it to try and improve the Edit much appreciated TOMH

---

I especially enjoyed the first stanza:
Cornered in this dim dank room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane,

'Cockroaches know my game' that line stands out in my mind as being really powerful. I feel like later on it loses a little steam. The last line of the second stanza seems awkward, maybe a little forced 'concrete wall will feed my need' although I like the internal 'feed vs need' rhyme. All in all I think this is a pretty cool poem. I like the dark imagery. Might need a little revision though. <3 Thanks for sharing!

Much appreciated I have took your comments to the Edit so hope its worked out. Many thanks TOMH

[billy]

hi kieth.
the 1st line doesn't work that well for me, i know what you're aiming for but it feels run of the mill where the the next three lines really capture what the titles informing us about. try hitting that 1st line from a different angle, the roaches tell us what kind of place it is, it has a feel of an asylum about it, a suggest would be along the lines of (if you want to use cornered) cornered by walls that stare, or the walls have eyes.
the rest of the poem has some good images but could they be less strict, the taste of iron in blood. it would need edits but i think there's a decent poem in there i can't believe i'm saying this but flesh it out just a little
thanks for the read, good to see you with a poem ...sorry i got here late

1st Edit
Cornered by this damp stale room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane. solid three lines

Manic strokes on calloused legs,
buckled tight, mind can’t breathe,
concrete wall will render sleep does concrete wall renders sleep work better
tongue tastes iron when I bleed

Through teeth bled by guarded hands bled /bleed/blood to close?
inflicted pain with sticks concealed,
spittle runs to blood tiled floors,
the monsters makers are revealed. monster's

Piss myself to gain your stage,
wild eyes have brought their fight,
the arms I bite bare my name,
moths have stained my naked light.

[brandontoh]

1st Edit
Cornered by this damp stale room,
Cockroaches know my game,
flickering elevator to hell,
whispers that we’re all insane.

Manic strokes on calloused legs,
buckled tight, mind can’t breathe,
concrete wall will render sleep
tongue tastes iron when I bleed -- This stanza works so much better now. =) Personally I'd change the second line to something like "Buckled, tight. Mind, foggy. Can't breathe." To set in the feeling of breathlessness. It's just my personal opinion though.

Through teeth bled by guarded hands
inflicted pain with sticks concealed,
spittle runs to blood tiled floors,
the monsters makers are revealed. -- Good edit too. The imagery is stronger now, though I feel that the last line is still a little weak. Not sure how to make it better though, but as it stands, it works well.

Piss myself to gain your stage,
wild eyes have brought their fight,
the arms I bite bare my name,
moths have stained my naked light. -- The flow is better now, and I really like this last stanza, especially after the edit.

It's a good edit. I like the poem as it is, but if there's an underlying message you want to get across, or if you want the story/scenery to be carried across clearer, you may like to think about fleshing the poem out as Billy said. It's up to what you want the poem to be from here.