Posts: 40
Threads: 9
Joined: Jan 2013
Do we hope to lose our simple desire?
That life clearly laid out in the womb
Dry souls are best to stoke times fire
Yet none are present in a layman's tomb
Flames we tend for a distant world to see
Dark winds whisper so they worry us not
A beaten spirit knows death's luxury
The end is written so ignite the plot
But I yearn to leave a footprint somehow
Blessed are those who could not care less
Act worthy on the day you take a bow
Still, ones who try normally make a mess
The grave still calls with it a prophecy
Humble it is not, teach it modesty
"Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor."-Sholom Aleichem
Do we hope to lose our simple desire?
That life clearly laid out in the womb
Dry souls are best to stoke times fire
Did you want to make 'time's' possessive?
Yet none are present in a layman's tomb
Flames we tend for a distant world to see
Dark winds whisper so they worry us not
A beaten spirit knows death's luxury
The end is written so ignite the plot
But I yearn to leave a footprint somehow
Blessed are those who could not care less
Act worthy on the day you take a bow
Still, ones who try normally make a mess
The grave still calls with it a prophecy
Humble it is not, teach it modesty
I'll get back to this. I need to go find out why the heat's not working; it's cold in here again.
Posts: 40
Threads: 9
Joined: Jan 2013
(01-23-2013, 05:42 AM)rowens Wrote: Do we hope to lose our simple desire?
That life clearly laid out in the womb
Dry souls are best to stoke times fire
Did you want to make 'time's' possessive?
Yet none are present in a layman's tomb
Flames we tend for a distant world to see
Dark winds whisper so they worry us not
A beaten spirit knows death's luxury
The end is written so ignite the plot
But I yearn to leave a footprint somehow
Blessed are those who could not care less
Act worthy on the day you take a bow
Still, ones who try normally make a mess
The grave still calls with it a prophecy
Humble it is not, teach it modesty
I'll get back to this. I need to go find out why the heat's not working; it's cold in here again.
alright cool this is my first ever attempt at a sonnet so i definitely want to here what you think
"Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor."-Sholom Aleichem
Does it have a metre?
And it's best to try to make the lines flow into each other, instead of just being stacked one under the other.
So the content and its expression form a unified effect..
If you see what I mean.
Posts: 40
Threads: 9
Joined: Jan 2013
yes and no.... make them run on sentences instead of a thought that ends and is picked up again?
"Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor."-Sholom Aleichem
All of the sentences don't have to run-on from line to line.
It's just that you can make it feel like what you're saying is being expressed naturally, and not being dictated by the form you're writing in. That way, the form and the subject seem to go naturally together. So neither is forcing the other.
Posts: 40
Threads: 9
Joined: Jan 2013
(01-23-2013, 10:06 PM)rowens Wrote: All of the sentences don't have to run-on from line to line.
It's just that you can make it feel like what you're saying is being expressed naturally, and not being dictated by the form you're writing in. That way, the form and the subject seem to go naturally together. So neither is forcing the other.
alright, all that is noted, what did you think about the content though? was it too cryptic?
"Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor."-Sholom Aleichem
I think the content would be more clear and more effective if it wasn't being dictated so heavily by the form. Once you get a good balance, it should start to come together better.
And I don't mind if things are cryptic, myself.