Deception

[Pigler]

Deception

The words by which you've sworn,
now left in shatters, broken.
Pierce, like a deadly thorn
and should be left unspoken.

The action done is now set in stone
or forever lingers in the breeze.
Rarely lonely, always alone,
drops a giant to its knees.

False tongue should not confess
or ever be let loose.
Lies only grant fake success
and in the long term, bruise.

Never should it take a vow
to which it refuses to be true;
or show others how
to get rid of feelings blue.

Bite it, stop from killing truth
and hide it behind your teeth.
Stop the deception in its youth
and keep it locked beneath.

[brandontoh]

Deception

The words by which you've sworn,
now left in shatters, broken. -- The imagery is weak and cliche, maybe try something like this:
Words you spoke and wrote,
Letters that are hollow.
Pierce, like a deadly thorn
and should be left unspoken. -- Once again, it's a little cliche. So try to rephrase it to something more impactful perhaps.

The action done is now set in stone
or forever lingers in the breeze. -- Imagery here is weak too. Try something like this for example:

[b]The verbal slap in my face
Still echoes in my head.[/b]
Rarely lonely, always alone, -- This line is weak, so do think about revising it.
drops a giant to its knees. -- I didn't really get why you use the metaphor of a giant. Maybe it's just me.

False tongue should not confess
or ever be let loose.
Lies only grant fake success -- I believe 'only' can be removed.
and in the long term, bruise. -- Try linking this line to success and it'll make it more powerful. For example:

Lies may grant success,
But others know the truth.

I do like this stanza though, it's a great improvement from the previous 2.

Never should it take a vow
to which it refuses to be true;
or show others how
to get rid of feelings blue. -- This stanza feels a little redundant. However, as it stands, it works. So it's your decision what you do with it.

Bite it, stop from killing truth
and hide it behind your teeth.
Stop the deception in its youth
and keep it locked beneath. -- I really like this stanza!! It's the most powerful stanza in the whole poem, and gets the feeling of not wanting to here the words come out of someone's mouth. The imagery here is strong.

I think the imageries here are a little weak for the first 2 stanzas, but it gets better. This reminds me of a poem I wrote called "Box", which is why I replied. (Don't search for it, it's bad) It's mostly about cutting the excess, and some rephrasing for the first 2 stanzas. A great attempt. I can easily see it becoming more impactful and emotional from some simple revisions. Hope I'm of help. =)

[Pigler]

The words by which you've sworn,
now left in shatters, broken.
Pierce, like a deadly thorn
and should be left unspoken.

Words, with precision chosen
now echo in my head
and linger, like a mountain frozen
to never be unsaid.

False tongue should not confess
or ever be let loose.
Lies only grant fake success
and in the long term, bruise.

Never should it take a vow
to which it refuses to be true;
or show others how
to get rid of feelings blue.

Bite it, stop from killing truth
and hide it behind your teeth.
Stop the deception in its youth
and keep it locked beneath.

[Pigler]

It kinda is, broken-unspoken. Shatters-unspoken. See?

[Leanne]

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