Valentine

[Pigler]

Hey guys. I'm not posting this in serious critique because I think it's an amazing poem but because I really need serious critique and any potential improvement. You'll see in the last stanza why.


Valentine

A drop in its delicate descend
towards the rigid ground
a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed

A rose, so grand and pliant
deflective in the wind
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind

Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks
set ablaze, a potent flare
daring, by much lacks

Knees shake and shoulders shiver
all thoughts depart
like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart

In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond
reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond

Sentiment I now assert
with line and word
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred

A question, now, about to follow
for a girl divine
your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?

[tectak]

Hey guys. I'm not posting this in serious critique because I think it's an amazing poem but because I really need serious critique and any potential improvement. You'll see in the last stanza why.


Valentine

A drop in its delicate descend
towards the rigid ground
a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed

A rose, so grand and pliant
deflective in the wind
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind

Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks
set ablaze, a potent flare
daring, by much lacks

Knees shake and shoulders shiver
all thoughts depart
like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart

In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond
reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond

Sentiment I now assert
with line and word
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred

A question, now, about to follow
for a girl divine
your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?

I think you should repost in Mild and then repost here after some gentle crit.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

hi pigler, some of the word choices don't seem quite right in the end rhymes. i've pointed some out. in general you need to follow some better logic and tie it all together, it's obviously a valentines poem. the 1st verse fees almost indecipherable. though it can be read. the 2nd verse is much more readable, and would probably make the better opener.
the poem more or less feels to wander in a jarring fashion.

good effort though

Hey guys. I'm not posting this in serious critique because I think it's an amazing poem but because I really need serious critique and any potential improvement. You'll see in the last stanza why.


Valentine

A drop in its delicate descend descent
towards the rigid ground
a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed

A rose, so grand and pliant
deflective in the wind
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind rescinds, though i;m not sure its the proper word for what you want

Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks
set ablaze, a potent flare
daring, by much lacks

Knees shake and shoulders shiver
all thoughts depart
like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart

In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond
reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond

Sentiment I now assert
with line and word
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred

A question, now, about to follow
for a girl divine
your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?

[Pigler]

Hey guys. After a long discussion in mild, it has been updated to:

Like a drop in its delicate descent
towards the rigid ground;
a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed.

A rose, so grand and pliant,
deflective in the wind,
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind.

Prowess to speak, declare,
around her breaks and cracks.
Set ablaze, a potent flare,
daring, by much lacks.

Knees shake and shoulders shiver.
All thoughts depart.
Like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart.

In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond.
Reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond.

For her, sentiment I now assert
with line and word,
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred.

For her, that stirs up my emotions
and makes my heart race like a drop;
she, who controls my notions
and is in my thoughts non-stop.

A question, now, about to follow
for you, a girl divine.
Your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?

[rowens]

I think it would be better if you just made it sound more simple. Use words that you would normally use. I don't know how well you know the girl you're writing this for. But she'll appreciate it more, if it's just you being you. Don't force it. Just write it.

[Leanne]

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