Blue Eyes

[JayDog]

Hi guys, I've been writing about a year but only just managed to pluck up the courage to get other people to look at my work. I wrote this after about 4 months or so of writing, I decided to just write rather than try and fit what I'm trying to say around a rhyming structure, which is what I'd been doing up to this point... Not even sure if this qualifies as poetry but I fancied a change in style at the point I wrote this so apologies if it isn't strictly poetry.

Here goes, please be gentle with me!



Nothing changes.
Every day I see your picture and it still sends a lethal charge up my spine
That youthful smile spread across your face like a child at Disneyland
Your delicate blue eyes gaze upon me softly like you knew I'd be looking at this picture
And then when love lowers my guard you strike
Bang
How dare I look at this picture?
I witness the metamorphosis as those gentle loving eyes of innocence are set alight with hatred
And the sinless angelic smile on your face becomes stained with spite
I hear your venomous words in my head
Your cackle cuts right through my core as you stand next to him and utter those words
He's so much better than you…
What's your name again?
Right… Mistake
That's all you are to me
Bang
You pull your blade out of my chest and raise it in preparation to impale my bleeding heart again
The bloodlust smeared all over your face begging for more as the affliction continues
Your once resplendent heart seeking retribution because I had the audacity to look you in the eye
Bang
Bang
BANG
As I lay there in a pool of my own insanity I see the permutation reverse as you walk back into his arms
Your radiance returns as you give him that inculpable smile that was once mine to gaze upon for days at a time
I draw my last breath as you callously walk away hand in hand with the daemon that defiled your purity
You turn around to give me one last look and behold the debris that used to be my identity
Our sapphire eyes lock for one last as time I think my last thought
Those eyes
Those damn blue eyes.

[brandontoh]

Welcome Jay! =) It's gentle in novice critique, so no worries there.

You have some nice imageries in this poem. I especially like the lines "What's your name again?/Right... Mistake". However, to me this feels more like a prose than poem; but I'm no expert in the field, so I hesitate to comment further. It's quite impressive though, how you got across the emotions and thoughts so well.

[-M-]

Hello JayDog,

You are one day older than me here...lol...

And congrats to you for putting this up at last.
Better late than never, isn't it?

Well, what do I think about your work?

It does not look so 'poetry',
but still there is 'something' in there.
I think that it can be composed into some beautiful lines.
You've got the ingredients, I mean the 'input'.
Now what you need is to go on 'cooking' them.

And as brandontoh had said,
I also really feel 'something' with this "What's your name again?".
This really 'hurts'...a lot.

[corawrites]

So first of all, good job for finally putting your work out there for people to see! I do think this is poetry. I believe this is prose poetry? It's essentially in the form of prose (no traditional measures/rhythms/rhymes) but with the imagery or eloquence of poetry. I think. Something along those lines!
Anyway, good work with this, although I'm not sure I understand the "bang" onomatopoeia because you relate the sound to a blade, which, well, doesn't go "bang".