ugly little pearl

[corawrites]

Cut me some slack, I'm very new to poetry
I really want to improve though, so maybe keep that slack uncut
EDITED

In the dead of winter I laid to rest
In the dead of night I rose
My lover beside me, I could not sleep
Something amiss in my bones

My skin on fire, my marrow cold
A sickness in my head
I tried with all my shrinking heart
Not to leave my stolen bed

The dark space around
Was heavy and unfeeling
Did not understand
As I ran unguided circles
Around my head desperately

Take me back to what i know
Ankles and heart unfettered
Glistening face in the glow of a cigarette
Desk aflow with unaddressed letters

My pockets grow tired
I've exhausted their use
It seems my hidden hands are unoriginal
My expression unimpressive and obtuse

A film of mucous on my skin
Everything hurts too badly to let in
Layers given until in my clutches sits
A pearl
Surrounding what i didn't try to understand
Deception mutating into rationalization

[brandontoh]

Try to add punctuation to your poem so you can introduce the appropriate pauses in the right places. Honestly, I think this should be in the mild, even serious critique section instead of novice. It is actually written rather beautifully. Some lines tend to be a little too long though, so you can think about breaking it off into another line. For example, I'd break "as I ran unguided circles around my head desperately", with "around" as the start of the next line.

[earlymorningnoises]

the fourth stanza really sang to me. Desk aflow with unaddressed letters is powerful stuff. However, I agree with Brandonroh that punctuation might help convey a clearer meaning. (I'm working on that too )

[Todd]

Hi Cora,

You have nice rhythm going for the first two stanzas. S3 though feels awkward. It could be the point of view change. I'd concentrate there. Also, you probably want to end with pearl line that's the pay off. Could you move the final two lines above the pearl?

Just some thoughts. Welcome to the site!

Best,

Todd