Whole

[monablackbird]

EDIT 1.16.13

Chosen like fresh market fruit,
Kicked from the fields by a careless boot.
Already bruised along one side,
Pumped full of pill popping pesticides.

How many lies did they feed you, dear?
Don’t you know you don’t belong here?
Entertaining voices in your head,
Shouldn’t you be frozen dead?

Lonely people can’t reach sleep,
Let’s make out all night in my Jeep.
You take two more anti-psychotics,
I'll promise not to steal your electronics.

Got too much soul for your nickname,
They can never call your heart lame.
Tune me like Sappho’s cithara,
Then strum another chord in my viscera.

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ORIGINAL 1.16.13

Chosen like fresh market fruit,
Kicked from the field by careless boots,
Already bruised on one side,
Pumped full up with pill popping pesticides.

How many did they feed you?
Don’t you know you’re not allowed to
Entertain voices in heads? (awkward here or is it just me?)
Shouldn’t you most definitely be dead?

Lonely people can’t reach sleep,
We’ll make out all night in my Jeep.
Take two more anti-psychotics,
Promise not to steal your electronics.

Too much soul for a nickname,
They can never call your heart lame.
Tune me like a cithara, (edited from Skin with hints of ambrosia)
Strum another chord in my viscera.

Not going to drive away,
There’s no bedroom I’d rather stay.
I’ll pull the seams together,
We don’t have to be broken forever.

- - - - - -

Here I go with the rhyming again. But I did check for consistent meter this time - though it's still pretty non-traditional. I think. Still fun to play around with. By the way, I kind of hate the word "ambrosia" and am totally open to suggestions of something else that has a sensual vibe and somewhat rhymes with viscera.

EDIT: Did you guys know there's a rhyming dictionary online? Cithara works perfectly and it's even a string instrument. The internet never ceases to amaze me.

[rowens]

I think the problem is that the rhymes sound too just stuck on. That they take away from more lovely or at least interesting things that you could be saying. The flow of the poetry stops and starts with the end rhymes, and so it feels choppy and as if more attention is paid to forcing rhymes than saying something. An unbalance. You sound like you have a lot of interesting things to say, and that's not able to come through here as effectively as it could.

---

But all that said: it's not bad. I think you can do more with it. And I'm trying to kick my mind into a better mood, so I can say something more constructive about it...

[monablackbird]

Rowens, thanks for your comments. I feel that choppiness you're talking about too. I'm not sure why I'm even rhyming my poetry lately. I usually stay away from rhymes all together. Anyway... I'm going to keep working on this one though I'm hoping a fresh set of eyes can take me away from this rhyme train I'm on. It feels a bit like being in a box to tell a story from memory when all I can hear are rhyming words. Thanks again and no worries. If you think of anything more later on, I'd love to hear it.

[rowens]

I think you can free yourself up from worrying about rhymes, and try other devices, and get the content and the images, and so on, nice and the way you like. Then come back and see if adding rhymes is worth it, after you've tried other things. But I always say that to people, in these situations.--Another thing is that your picture kept distracting me from the poem. I kept looking up at it and drifting off into other thoughts. You have to deal with that, when your picture is looking better than the poem!

[monablackbird]

Hmm... good thoughts and I'll definitely take them into consideration. I'm not sure everyone would find my picture distracting. Maybe I should change it back to something that's more inanimate than me though so my words speak for themselves.

[Card]

Chosen like fresh market fruit,
Kicked from the field by careless boots,
Already bruised on one side,
Pumped full up with pill popping pesticides.
I love the imagery in this last line!

Don’t you know you’re not allowed to
Entertain voices in heads?
Shouldn’t you most definitely be dead?
It is a bit awkward. Well, a lot awkward in my opinion. "To" is not really a word to end a line with, in my opinion. It creates a broken thought, where the reader must search for the word that "to" is referring to
and that is difficult for someone to
do, if you catch my drift. It's just something to be careful of in poetry. In some cases, it doesn't matter, especially if the poem is consisting of broken thought. Yours, however, primarily composed of whole and coherent thoughts on each line. It breaks step, like a stumbling soldier.

I don't like rhyming much, to be honest. It greatly limits the potential diction of the poet. And diction is what makes these things good! "Rhythm over rhyme," that's what I say.


Speaking from limited, but existing, experience with graphics I agree your picture is a bit distracting, but probably not for the same reason Rowen here has (though I wouldn't disagree). The blue is a bit strong so you may want to tone it down, or maybe add a conflicting color, and it might be a bit better. Best to just tone the blue town a touch though.

[Leanne]

Chosen like fresh market fruit,
Kicked from the field by careless boots,
Already bruised on one side, -- try "bruised already" instead
Pumped full up with pill popping pesticides. -- if you remove "full up" it will work better, meter-wise

How many did they feed you? -- for meter you need an extra beat -- remember that meter is not about syllables so much as it's about the accents falling in the right places, so to fit here you need "how many (somethings) did they feed you", when (somethings) is two syllables, DUM-da
Don’t you know you’re not allowed to
Entertain voices in heads? (awkward here or is it just me?) -- not just you Maybe "talk to voices in your head"
Shouldn’t you most definitely be dead? -- another line too long to fit the pattern -- my suggestion is dreadful, but you'll get the idea: "shouldn't you be done and dead"

Lonely people can’t reach sleep,
We’ll make out all night in my Jeep.
Take two more anti-psychotics,
Promise not to steal your electronics. -- for meter, try "Promise I won't steal your electronics"

Too much soul for a nickname,
They can never call your heart lame. -- these lines are awkward and need revising as it's clear you've allowed the rhyme to dictate your choices
Tune me like a cithara,
Strum another chord in my viscera. -- nice and juicy

Not going to drive away,
There’s no bedroom I’d rather stay. -- these lines need attention as you're forcing the words into unnatural grammar to match the rhyme scheme
I’ll pull the seams together, -- maybe "I will"
We don’t have to be broken forever.

Hi Mona,

This is a good experiment in getting rhyme to work for you. With practise you'll find that rhyming becomes more instinctive, especially when you work with meter. It most certainly doesn't limit your choices -- what it does is forces discipline. Getting rhyme to work without being the most obvious part of your poem is a challenge, but one well worth undertaking. You'll find that end-stopped "chiming" rhyme effect is lessened if you vary your punctuation and enjambment (run-on sentences) rather than forcing each line to be a discrete unit.

[monablackbird]

Hi Card! Thanks so much for your comments. I'm taking it all in and still working on this one whenever I find the time. Hoping to have a significant revision very soon.

Not sure why my picture should matter at all, blue or no blue. I find if odd that it's been mentioned at all quite honestly - let alone twice. But all is well now since it's gone. No more blue. No more me. No more "distractions".

Thanks again!
Mona

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Hi Leanne!

Wow! Thank you so much for taking the time for such a thorough critique. Your advice is much appreciated. I need to look over the notes you made and see where I can take this poem. Can't wait to dig in and show something better soon.

Best and thanks again!
Mona

[Leanne]

shoot, sorry -- didn't realise this was mild (again!)

[monablackbird]

shoot, sorry -- didn't realise this was mild (again!)

No I love it! And if that's what I can expect in the serious forum, I'll be posting there from now on. Thanks again for the juicy critique!

---

Quick question to all while I'm editing this:

Is it acceptable to rhyme some things and not others? Or are you stuck with rhyme once it's used? Here's the thing...

Chosen like fresh market fruit,
Kicked from the field by careless boots.
Already bruised on one side,
Pumped full of pill popping pesticides.

I love this stanza but it rhymes. Wouldn't it be odd not to continue the rhyme throughout the piece?

Thanks in advance and for all of your help already!
Mona

[Card]

Well, it's a bit more near-rhyme, but I don't think you're always stuck in gear. I've seen some poems that switch. Don't be afraid of rhyme, just don't let it dictate your... diction.

Also, if you don't mind me saying so, your old picture was a bit too dark of a blue. I was more suggesting you change it because I thought it would look better without such a strong filter.
Also, it's kinda funny you said "no more blue" and put a big blue circle in. But a much prettier blue, though a bit of an odd placement.

[monablackbird]

Okay, I've made a significant edit and added it to the original post. Thanks again everyone. Can't wait to see if these changes hold up. However, I love the whole writing/editing process, so it's bittersweet to think about being "done" with it.