Temple

[monablackbird]

EDIT 1.16.12

Our bed is the prayer rug where I found God.

Yeah, THE God –

[ind]Not circumnavigating morality
[ind]Or bones of old saints
[ind]Lonely illusions of the sad and middle-aged
[ind]All Fat Tuesday freakshows in comparison

Our bed is the altar of sacred rites –

[ind]Marked with the devil’s big black Sharpie
[ind]And the intricately crocheted lace of sin
[ind]Nightly baptized in warm, honey-coated nothing
[ind]Pink patterns of iron and salt on linen

Painted idols on the shrine –

[ind]Absolution pours through drafty windows
[ind]Older than our bodies
[ind]Glass frosted by years without suds
[ind]Only rain

A holy city of yours and mine –

[ind]With gentle pyro ways
[ind]Stone and mortar become flame
[ind]The balustrades collapse
[ind]You light candlewicks with your fingertips

===========
ORIGINAL POST

Hello everyone!

After many years I was suddenly inspired to write poetry again. I don't claim to be trained in any way, though I'm familiar with critique and would appreciate any feedback available. I'm most interested in how the imagery is interpreted and if it evokes emotion. Thanks so much in advance and I'm looking forward to getting to know the community here.

I'm still unsure what to title this piece so I'd love any ideas on that as well.

Also, when previewing, my indents disappear. Is there a way to keep them that I might be missing?

click on edit and you should be able to see how i did it. i only did a few lines

Thank you!

First Edit - Untitled - 12.16.12

Our bed is the prayer rug where I found God.

Yeah, THE God

[ind]Not circumnavigating morality
[ind]Or bones of old saints
[ind]Lonely illusions of the sad and middle-aged
[ind]All Fat Tuesday freakshows in comparison

Our bed is the altar of sacred rites –

[ind]Marked with the devil’s big black Sharpie
[ind]And the intricately crocheted lace of sin
[ind]Nightly baptized in warm, honey-coated nothing
[ind]Pink patterns of iron and salt on linen

[ind]Absolution pours through drafty windows
[ind]Older than our bodies
[ind]Glass frosted by years without suds
[ind]Only rain

[ind]With your gentle pyro ways
[ind]Stone and mortar become flame
[ind]The balustrades collapse
[ind]You light candlewicks with your fingertips


ORIGINAL - Untitled - 12.14.12

Our bed is the prayer rug where I found God.

Yeah, THE God

[ind]Not circumnavigating morality,
[ind]Not bones of old saints,
[ind]Not lonely illusions of the sad and middle-aged

All Fat Tuesday freakshows in comparison
To the unabashed reality of my existence

Our bed is the altar of sacred rites –

[ind]Lost and defiled
[ind]Labeled and marked
[ind]With the devil’s big black Sharpie
[ind]And the intricately crocheted lace of sin

[ind]Nightly baptized in sugary sweat
[ind]Pink patterns of iron and salt on linen
[ind]Life and death punch each other in the gut
[ind]Cancelling out into warm, honey-coated nothing

[ind]Absolution pours through drafty windows
[ind]Older than our bodies
[ind]Glass frosted by years without suds
[ind]Only rain

And satisfaction

FINALLY

[ind]Sweet and spicy incense permeates and penetrates
[ind]Nostril and pore; through to my soul’s sore core
[ind]As you throw open the doors to the temple
[ind]Like you own the place

[ind]Because you do
[ind]Because it was given to you
[ind]A birthright
[ind]A come-as-you-are boon

[ind]Taking time at the shrine
[ind]Lost in wordless prayer
[ind]Surrendered to devotion
[ind]You light candlewicks with your fingertips

[ind]Stone and mortar become flame
[ind]Until the walls come tumbling
[ind][ind](Brick by fucked up brick)
[ind]Down to the not-so-solid ground
[ind]With your gentle pyro ways

[Todd]

Hi monablackbird, welcome to the site!

Okay, I enjoyed this read. As to a title, really simple one came to mind with your Fat Tuesday and other catholic imagery...how about "Indulgences"...it would be cool because it would work with the Middle Ages drawing near to God idea and the sensual idea of the poem.

Hello everyone!

After many years I was suddenly inspired to write poetry again. I don't claim to be trained in any way, though I'm familiar with critique and would appreciate any feedback available. I'm most interested in how the imagery is interpreted and if it evokes emotion. Thanks so much in advance and I'm looking forward to getting to know the community here.

I'm still unsure what to title this piece so I'd love any ideas on that as well.

Also, when previewing, my indents disappear. Is there a way to keep them that I might be missing? --I know there's a way to do it. I know Billy knows how to do it. It's probably similar to how I'm bolding this try putting the word indent in brackets and then on the other side putting /indent in brackets. If it works you may have to do it multiple times to get it where you need it. That could be wrong though and Billy again knows how to do it.


Untitled - 12.14.12

Our bed is the prayer rug where I found God.--great opening line. I also like the colloquial tone and the metaphor.

Yeah, THE God

Not circumnavigating morality,
Not bones of old saints,--not sure you need the repeated nots in the next two lines maybe an or here and start with lonely on the next. The content is all good. It's your bones of old saints part that made me think of indulgences as a title.
Not lonely illusions of the sad and middle-aged

All Fat Tuesday freakshows in comparison
To the unabashed reality of my existence--I actually don't think you need this line. I loved All Fat Tuesday freakshows.

Our bed is the altar of sacred rites –

Lost and defiled
Labeled and marked
With the devil’s big black Sharpie
And the intricately crocheted lace of sin--I think you've got a lot of great lines next to set up lines. I wonder if this would be stronger if you pared it down to only the great lines. Example maybe lead line three with "Marked" and cut the two previous lines. I love intricately crocheted lace of sin. You could also look for other religious terms that might even be more interesting than sin "legalism" for instance. That may not be better...just thinking out loud

Nightly baptized in sugary sweat
Pink patterns of iron and salt on linen--beautiful phrasing
Life and death punch each other in the gut--again this is fine, but to what I said earlier it is to quote an old gameshow the weakest link in this strophe in my opinion
Cancelling out into warm, honey-coated nothing--honey coated nothing is excellent

Absolution pours through drafty windows
Older than our bodies
Glass frosted by years without suds
Only rain

--gorgeous strophe. I know you asked for comments on the imagery. It's good I'm tracking. I'm already leaving a lot of comments for mild so I'm going to go easy

And satisfaction

FINALLY

Sweet and spicy incense permeates and penetrates
Nostril and pore; through to my soul’s sore core
As you throw open the doors to the temple
Like you own the place

Because you do
Because it was given to you
A birthright
A come-as-you-are boon

Taking time at the shrine
Lost in wordless prayer
Surrendered to devotion
You light candlewicks with your fingertips

Stone and mortar become flame
Until the walls come tumbling
(Brick by fucked up brick)
Down to the not-so-solid ground
With your gentle pyro ways

I'm going to hold off in this forum from going any further. This was a good read. My main advice remains cut out the serviceable lines and see if the great will get it done for you. Obviously there has to be some transitional material, I just think less would be much more for this one.

Great seeing your work.

Best,

Todd

[monablackbird]

Hi Todd! Thanks so much for taking the time to critique. I know what you're saying about the wordiness - too much transition maybe - and I've reworked the first half after taking in your feedback. I almost feel like you're hinting that maybe I should end the whole thing with "only rain". Maybe this is two different poems because the tone does change a little after that line. Hmm... Either way, I'd love to hear what else you have to say about the rest of it. The second half needs a little more work than the first I think. I can take it.

Here's the bit of edits so far... I'll post the entire edit up in my initial post when I know what to do with the second half.

***

Our bed is the prayer rug where I found God.

Yeah, THE God

Not circumnavigating morality
Or bones of old saints
Lonely illusions of the sad and middle-aged
All Fat Tuesday freakshows in comparison

Our bed is the altar of sacred rites –

Marked with the devil’s big black Sharpie
And the intricately crocheted lace of sin
Nightly baptized in warm, honey-coated nothing
Pink patterns of iron and salt on linen

Absolution pours through drafty windows
Older than our bodies
Glass frosted by years without suds
Only rain

[Todd]

Hi, no I wasn't hinting I like the whole thing, and I like the cuts you've made so far. Let me look at the second half.

---

hmmm second half...here goes, let me just show you what kind of cuts I'm thinking of using the strike through feature. Its okay to disagree of course. Same song different verse (cutting to reveal the great lines).

Sweet and spicy incense permeates and penetrates--when I see these types of ___and___ constructions I think settle on the better word...for me that would be spicy and penetrates
Nostril and pore; through to my soul’s sore core
As you throw open the doors to the temple
Like you own the place

Because you do
Because it was given to you
A birthright
A come-as-you-are boon

Taking time at the shrine
Lost in wordless prayer
Surrendered to devotion
You light candlewicks with your fingertips--one of those great lines. What a wonderful tactile image

Stone and mortar become flame
Until the walls come tumbling--too Joshua and the battle of Jericho to me
(Brick by fucked up brick)
Down to the not-so-solid ground--it's not that I hate these last two lines, I don't. They just feel largely unnecessary.
With your gentle pyro ways


Now one real possible change is ending on something stronger. This works, though I may suggest this swap:

Lost in wordless prayer
With your gentle pyro ways

Stone and mortar become flame
You light candlewicks with your fingertips


again just thoughts.

[billy]

i see you're working on the poem with todd and i'm not sure where or what parts to give feedback on, i'll wait and come back when you have the edit up for a title suggestion ....altar

[Keith]

I'm loving this and quite excited to see the edit, just a point that could be relevant when I read it through a few times I felt like it ended at "rain" youve already picked this out so my comment is one that supports your, two Poem idea. Title, how about "Altar Indulgences"

[monablackbird]

Hi again all! Hope you're all enjoying your weekends. I've made some edits and added it to the first post above the original. Thank you all so much already for helping me polish these words. I really enjoy the helpful feedback and the whole process.

[Todd]

Looks like you had a tablet substitute a word on you:

Like should be light in the final line

Love the rewrite.

[monablackbird]

Looks like you had a tablet substitute a word on you:

Like should be light in the final line

Love the rewrite.

Whoops. Thanks for catching that Todd. And thank you for all of your valuable input.

---

Quick question: If I want to continue polishing this at all should I move it into the serious critique forum?

[Todd]

No problem, if I like the poem giving the feedback is fun to do.

I could move it for you if you like. It's likely something you'll need to sit on for a few weeks to see how your changes hold up. If you do want more detailed discussion that's the forum to be in. Is there an area you're concerned about, or do you just want more detail?

[billy]

Hello everyone!

After many years I was suddenly inspired to write poetry again. I don't claim to be trained in any way, though I'm familiar with critique and would appreciate any feedback available. I'm most interested in how the imagery is interpreted and if it evokes emotion. Thanks so much in advance and I'm looking forward to getting to know the community here.

I'm still unsure what to title this piece so I'd love any ideas on that as well.

Also, when previewing, my indents disappear. Is there a way to keep them that I might be missing?

click on edit and you should be able to see how i did it. i only did a few lines

Thank you!

First Edit - Untitled - 12.16.12

Our bed is the prayer rug where I found God.

Yeah, THE God

[ind]Not circumnavigating morality
[ind]Or bones of old saints
[ind]Lonely illusions of the sad and middle-aged
[ind]All Fat Tuesday freakshows in comparison

Our bed is the altar of sacred rites –

[ind]Marked with the devil’s big black Sharpie
[ind]And the intricately crocheted lace of sin is and needed?
[ind]Nightly baptized in warm, honey-coated nothing
[ind]Pink patterns of iron and salt on linen

[ind]Absolution pours through drafty windows draughty
[ind]Older than our bodies
[ind]Glass frosted by years without suds
[ind]Only rain

[ind]With your gentle pyro ways
[ind]Stone and mortar become flame
[ind]The balustrades collapse
[ind]You light candlewicks with your fingertips

i've been following your edits and i think you did an excellent job, the interaction between you and todd have culminated in a really good poem.
normally i'm not a fan of text formatting in a poem but this is one of those that work, so much so that i'd suggest an aside before each stanza. (just a suggestion, not even a nit i like all the lines because they were original and had meaning. they worked the poem and the reader. the last line, i knew a woman like that
thanks for the read and the work that you put into it.

[monablackbird]

Thanks to everyone for their comments.

Todd, I was thinking of putting it in the other critique forum because I guess I feel like I got off too easy. But if it works, it works.

Billy, thanks for your help with the indents and for your feedback. When you mentioned an aside after each stanza, would it look something like this below? Not sure of those lines yet and not sure how I feel about the change in flow. But I'm always open to ideas and love mulling over words for a while. That's why it takes me some time get back to the thread. Poems tend to need some stewing for me. And maybe that's why I'm considering posting this in the other critique forum - so I don't have to stop being with it yet. Hmm...

And I was thinking if I don't use that last aside I might call this one Temple - or at least put that word somewhere in the title. Would love everyone's thoughts as always.

TENTATIVE EDIT 12.20.12

Our bed is the prayer rug where I found God.

Yeah, THE God

[ind]Not circumnavigating morality
[ind]Or bones of old saints
[ind]Lonely illusions of the sad and middle-aged
[ind]All Fat Tuesday freakshows in comparison

Our bed is the altar of sacred rites –

[ind]Marked with the devil’s big black Sharpie
[ind]And the intricately crocheted lace of sin
[ind]Nightly baptized in warm, honey-coated nothing
[ind]Pink patterns of iron and salt on linen

Our bed is a shrine without idols –

[ind]Absolution pours through drafty windows
[ind]Older than our bodies
[ind]Glass frosted by years without suds
[ind]Only rain

Our bed is my temple –

[ind]With your gentle pyro ways
[ind]Stone and mortar become flame
[ind]The balustrades collapse
[ind]You light candlewicks with your fingertips

[billy]

Billy, When you mentioned an aside after each stanza, would it look something like this below? Not sure of those lines yet and not sure how I feel about the change in flow. But I'm always open to ideas and love mulling over words for a while. That's why it takes me some time get back to the thread. Poems tend to need some stewing for me. And maybe that's why I'm considering posting this in the other critique forum - so I don't have to stop being with it yet. Hmm...

And I was thinking if I don't use that last aside I might call this one Temple - or at least put that word somewhere in the title. Would love everyone's thoughts as always.

TENTATIVE EDIT 12.20.12

Our bed is the prayer rug where I found God.

Yeah, THE God

[ind]Not circumnavigating morality
[ind]Or bones of old saints
[ind]Lonely illusions of the sad and middle-aged
[ind]All Fat Tuesday freakshows in comparison

Our bed is the altar of sacred rites –

[ind]Marked with the devil’s big black Sharpie i love this line though i doubt it's what i think it is
[ind]And the intricately crocheted lace of sin
[ind]Nightly baptized in warm, honey-coated nothing
[ind]Pink patterns of iron and salt on linen

Our bed is a shrine without idols –

[ind]Absolution pours through drafty windows
[ind]Older than our bodies
[ind]Glass frosted by years without suds
[ind]Only rain

Our bed is my temple –

[ind]With your gentle pyro ways
[ind]Stone and mortar become flame
[ind]The balustrades collapse
[ind]You light candlewicks with your fingertips

yes, that what i meant, you could even italicise them. for me the presentation adds to the poem, often layout seems gimmicky, specially centre align but here it works well and the visual tidiness belies what's going on. i think a title with temple in it would be the way to go.
good edit mona.

[monablackbird]

Just a little update on this one now that I've lived with it for a few weeks. It's even got a proper title now. Thanks to everyone for their feedback and advice. It's all very valuable to me and I appreciate it. I'm loving writing poetry again and having such a cool place to talk about it with others. I look forward to much more time around here.

Best,
Mona