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A few years ago I was on vacation thinking of Pulp Fiction and jingles and I wrote this.
Biggun Burgers
Biggun Burgers is the best
so much better than the rest
It's quite a place, there's nothing vile
we take your face, and make it smile
Scrumptios! Incredible!
It's! All! Edible!
Come on down, you've got nothing to lose
we serve all our food through toothpaste tubes
Mmm Mmm it's just so tasty
That's right I like it pasty!
Hear the noise of animal murders
they all scream "Eat Biggun Burgers!"
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There's been stranger inspiration for poems, but that's pretty weird
Love the "It's! All! Edible!" line, that's
exactly how the people on those adverts talk.
I think the first line of the second couplet is a little out of place -- why would the word "vile" even come up? You might like to consider "it's quite a place, so stop a while" or something along those lines.
The change in tone in the fourth couplet is very well done. Now we get to the dark and sinister. For the sake of rhythm you might like to lose "all", just have "we serve our food..."
Also for rhythm, perhaps add "yes" to L10 -- Yes, that's right, I like it pasty!
The closing couplet has just the right amount of irony. Well done!
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(01-12-2013, 07:38 AM)BennyBoy Wrote: A few years ago I was on vacation thinking of Pulp Fiction and jingles and I wrote this.
Biggun Burgers
Biggun Burgers is the best
so much better than the rest
It's quite a place, there's nothing vile
we take your face, and make it smile
Scrumptios! Incredible!
It's! All! Edible!
Come on down, you've got nothing to lose
we serve all our food through toothpaste tubes
Mmm Mmm it's just so tasty
That's right I like it pasty!
Hear the noise of animal murders
they all scream "Eat Biggun Burgers!"
i thought it as funny as hell though i'm thinking that's not the intention. is it an anti meat poem or one that tries to show how meat is stripped off the bone in a particular way that not even the bone is wasted? would it be better as "we all eat..." on the last line?
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Glad you guys enjoyed this - it's just supposed to be funny. Everything I write is just for entertainment value really.
Leanne: Hmm... I included the same amount of syllables in both lines of each stanza, so I don't understand why the rhythm would be off.
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Benny, it's not always syllables that drive rhythm/ meter. In English, we put stresses on different parts of words and it's these stresses that make the beat. Also, some syllables are longer than others by just a fraction, but that fraction can make a difference. "serve", "our" and "food" are all slightly longer sounds. Ideally I'd suggest cutting a syllable from the first line in that couplet as well, since you have a comma that gives you a slight pause, but I don't have an immediate suggestion and "you've got" is a phrase I can meld together into one beat reasonably well as they're both fairly quick words. Similarly, "mmm mmm" is quite drawn out and adding "yes" to the next line skips it a bit to catch up.
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Wow, thanks Leanne - that's pretty interesting! Maybe that's why so many of my perfectly counted poems don't sound good at all. The word "I" and "loose" don't take the same amount of time to say. Is there any mathematical/scientific way to make sure meter/rhythm is perfect?
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01-13-2013, 06:39 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-13-2013, 06:42 AM by Leanne.)
Nope, and it depends on your accent as well -- isn't poetry fun?
It's just practice. The best trick I've found is to get a rhythm set in your head and then tap it out on your desk (or whatever's handy) while you say the words aloud. Poetry is meant to be spoken, after all. If you have to mispronounce words even a little bit to make them fit the meter, don't use them or move the other words around.
It might help to have a read of the
Basic Meter thread and maybe play around with some of the forms in the
Poetry Practice forum.
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craigdaniels
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I loved it! It reminds me of why I never eat fast food. I mean Never. Thanks for the jingle
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I was sitting here eating fast food LMAO! I really enjoyed this. Good job. It is funny but also very accurate. written in a way that people will actually get the message
