wrote last night "Monster"

[destiny1313]

There is a monster
I've seen what he can do
He hides inside the shadows
and feeds off of you

Intangible he twists your mind
You never know he's there
He becomes a part of you
and you aren't even aware

It's that gaping hole inside of you
The tears behind your eyes
The thoughts that you're not good enough
The home where he resides

He urges you, he flirts with you
Somehow it's appealing
To crawl inside and hide away
and make love to that feeling

All you lack, all your faults
How the world is pain
"It will never get better"
You'll wonder if you're sane

The hole inside it grows and grows
This is his sick game
Now he has control of you
and you never knew his name

He laughs and howls an ugly sound
knowing that he's won
Knowing you'll do anything
This is what he calls fun

I have learned his secret though
for he had his hold on me
He watched as I did anything
I thought would break me free

I tried to run, I tried to numb
I broke down in despair
And just when it was over
I saw him standing there

I drove back the monster
I chased him away
And all it took was just four words
"I will be okay"

That's when he lost his grip on me
he shrank away to hide
I no longer play with him
but I know that he's inside

[rowens]

Maybe you could have all the beginnings of sentences start with uppercase letters, like you did a few times, since you have no punctuation. The 'i' is sometimes 'I'. No real pattern.



The "your not good enough" should be "you're".

[destiny1313]

Thanks! I fixed it

[Stalker]

phew - when I looked at this I saw alot of words - then I started to read it - no punctuation.

made my eyes tired.

I think there are some neat bits - how about breaking it up into stanzas to give the poor old reader a break?

[rowens]

When a sentence goes over into another line, maybe you could leave that line beginning with lowercase. So that people will know where to pause, and so they will be able to follow your narrative more smoothly. There is at least one comma in there already. You could simply add more punctuation. Up to you.

[destiny1313]

There is a monster
I've seen what he can do
He hides inside the shadows
and feeds off of you

Intangible he twists your mind
You never know he's there
He becomes a part of you
and you aren't even aware

It's that gaping hole inside of you
The tears behind your eyes
The thoughts that you're not good enough
The home where he resides

He urges you, he flirts with you
Somehow it's appealing
To crawl inside and hide away
and make love to that feeling

All you lack, all your faults
How the world is pain
"It will never get better"
You'll wonder if you're sane

The hole inside it grows and grows
This is his sick game
Now he has control of you
and you never knew his name

He laughs and howls an ugly sound
knowing that he's won
Knowing you'll do anything
This is what he calls fun

I have learned his secret though
for he had his hold on me
He watched as I did anything
I thought would break me free

I tried to run, I tried to numb
I broke down in despair
And just when it was over
I saw him standing there

I drove back the monster
I chased him away
And all it took was just four words
"I will be okay"

That's when he lost his grip on me
he shrank away to hide
I no longer play with him
but I know that he's inside

[jferrell]

I used to suffer from bad self-esteem so I feel like this speaks personally to me. I liked the way you personified this 'monster' and your choice of vernacular. Overall it was interesting and entertaining. I particularly like the fourth paragraph (or is it a stanza? I never took English or poetry past 9th grade as I dropped out of high school)

[rowens]

I keep falling into a trap with my critiques on this one.

I think you can keep your "I" uppercase even if it is the first letter of a line and in the middle of a sentence. Because people are used to seeing it as uppercase, so that won't mess up the flow.