feedback

[destiny1313]

Untitled

Eyes fluttered open
and peered around
A virgin girl
on virgin ground

Green earth below
damp and warm
first conceived
existence was born

Palms pushed down
she got to her feet
a vague remembrance
in her memory too deep

[arbil_poieo]

Hey Destiny,
This needs a title, a good title makes all the difference.

"a vague remembrance/in her memory too deep"---very good line, it gives the reader a good hint of who "she" is
I would change "virgin ground" because it's used to describe the girl in the previous line maybe use "pure" or maybe a little deeper and use "transparent"
I would also use some punctuation, it helps the reader knowing when to pause and knowing what words are emphasized.

Overall, this had a sense of calm and a natural, earthy tone that's simple but can be interpreted in many ways. A solid read with an amazing ending.

[billy]

Eyes fluttered open and peered around
A virgin girl
on virgin ground

Green earth below damp and warm
first conceived
existence was born

Palms pushed down, she got to her feet
a vague remembrance[/size]
in her memory too deep

first off destiny, give your poems a title, this one looks like it's called feedback

your 1st verse isn't too bad though it may have been better as four lines

Eyes fluttered open
and peered around
A virgin girl
on virgin ground

same with the others. if you can, try and get a rhythm going that's the same in each verse. take it a step at a time.
de/dum de/dum/ de/dum de/dum

[destiny1313]

okay did some quick editing...working on a title. Thank you for your suggestions