Once More
#1
I’ve been here before, this very place
And I remember how light hit
The grass as it quivered softly, just
Like a thousand moments passing through
Or a hundred memories now new
Because I’ve been here before, this very place
And, yet, I’m back again.
I dreamt for months once, long ago
That these colors changed their hue
Where I slept beneath train tracks
That rattled day and night
Stirring visions forgotten in the past.
I’ve run far, I’ve traveled wide
Many miles on the roads I called home.
It seems as though I’m here again
In this sleepy, cozy burrow
My fingers claw familiar earth
They have long since known the feeling
Of the heat deep within this place
Where life was simple and astounding
God breathed the breath that fed the flame
A spark of magic so confounding.
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#2
Hey Ellz!
Let me start off by saying this was worth the visit.

"just like a thousand moments passing through"---I really like that image, I saw it as like a strong wind going through you and seeing everything clearly. Very clever.

My one nit would be the last 2 lines, this is packed with lovely solid imagery and I felt the last 2 lines fell short and it kinda left me disappointed.
Poems like this makes it easier for the reader to connect with because of the careful, thoughtful details. An amazing poem!
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#3
i was hooked from the first line. Was an awesome trip of imagery and word-play that sent shivers up my spine. The ending? EPIC, i read this 6 times before i left this comment.

Jawesome Job
Isn't It Evil to Live Backwards~Loaded Lux


I'm Batman, act up and I'll squeeze Hecklers/You'll die before the first clip drops, Heath Ledger!
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#4
Hi Eliz,

I liked this. One thing to consider is you have some parts here that may be overly wordy that would be strengthened by some cuts.

L3 for instance, you could cut everything after quivered. Quivered gives a sense of softly already, and just is often a throwaway word.

It's a good poem though. I think with some tightening it would be even better.

Best,

Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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#5
I like how you described hearing sounds. That really helped boost the atmosphere.
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#6
You have some great lines and images in this piece, I think you should listen to Todd as some really good stuff gets a little lost in words, a nip and a tuck would make this shine, Nice job TOMH

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#7
Thank you, guys! This is great feedback! I am going to make the necessary cuts. Superfluous words are not welcome, haha!
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