This

[Gnegre]

One day
On this day
This day of which I am most convinced will never exist

I
Only Myself
This person whom I assert has not a true self

This person will hate not
Due to this love
This love that lovers protest to love

He will share with another
With him
He whom I am most convinced will never exist


Gordon

[arbil_poieo]

Welcome Gordon!
An intriguing poem. I've read it a few times and have no idea what it's about, I'm thinking romantic.

He will share with another
With him
He whom I am most convinced will never exist

A great last stanza that loops back to the first stanza..very well crafted.

The thing is this poem isn't very telling. Was that intended? I feel like I'm missing the point with this. It has a direct tone the comes out in an indirect way in my opinion, if that makes any sense.

Sorry that I'm not helpful.

[Gnegre]

Welcome Gordon!
An intriguing poem. I've read it a few times and have no idea what it's about, I'm thinking romantic.

He will share with another
With him
He whom I am most convinced will never exist

A great last stanza that loops back to the first stanza..very well crafted.

The thing is this poem isn't very telling. Was that intended? I feel like I'm missing the point with this. It has a direct tone the comes out in an indirect way in my opinion, if that makes any sense.

Sorry that I'm not helpful.

Hi Arbil,

Thank you for your feedback. Below I have added some notes that I reckon ought to assist in clarifying some of the confusion, I hope to make it more comprehensible. Perhaps you can offer me some insight on tools or changes that I can utilise in order to make it more intelligible.

One day
On this day
This day of which I am most convinced will never (perhaps this ought to be 'not' rather than 'never') exist

[That] I
Only Myself
This person (me) whom I assert has not a true self

This person (me) will hate not
Due to this love (the specific love that I wish to share with the other)
This love that lovers protest to love (general statement)

He (referring to me) will share with another
With him (the other)
He (the other) whom I am most convinced will never exist


It expresses a pining hope, albeit obviously overwhelmingly inundated with doubt, doubt being the notion to be expressed, that one will one day share the love, which so many assert to share with one another, with another.

Thoughts?

Additionally, I ought to mention that this is the first poem that I have ever written, so any and all feedback will be exceptionally valued.

Thank you.

[arbil_poieo]

Heya Gordon

Ahh, I get it now. This is above my skill, so for this being your first I think you have a handle on it.

The first three lines is a good setup. I don't see the hope, the lines seem well thought of so much so there isn't any emotion. As a reader I can't understand what is going on or feel anything unless the narrator shows me. You told me it was suppose to express hope but it isn't expressed in the poem. I as a reader was not convinced instead I speculated. This needs some sort of emotion to connect with. You have a good setup, it just needs the meat. Keep in my mind this is all just my opinion.

I would suggest making the hope stand out somehow by describing it using images or metaphors. The doubt seems subtle and I like that, it's almost like a nagging whisper. It just needs the feeling of hope in there. I think the first stanza and the last are both well crafted, it's just the middle.

I hope this was helpful. Like I said this is an intriguing poem.