Sex (My Life) (explicit)

[BennyBoy]

This started off erotic and got gory. I don't know what I wanted to do with this, but it made me laugh.

Sex (My Life)

She reaches for erection hard and fat
Looks between my legs and says, “give me that”

Eye the body, slither down moist vulva
Reminds of that summer with grandma

Could she be a demon in disguise?
My penis is sick, alone and cries

I talk in black tongues, her face is dead white
I wish I had never gone on that diet

It was so innocent, but now ungodly
Mingled horrors with grotesque debauchery

The only cure a savage plan
Knife is suitable for castration

Got to nut off
It is cut off
now crumbling soft

[billy]

hi benny

is she hard and fat, or was it the the hard on?

the 2nd couplet reads like child molesting, incest, or necrophilia, i'm not sure which

my penis is sick, alone and cries is anything but erotic hehe.

now for some seriousness. pick a route you want the poem to go down and go down it. of course it can be humorous and dark but either way, i think it has to be subtle. pull the reader in as a voyeur or participant. try and be more than fat hard erection and 'give me that'

for me the line to work around is the sick penis line.

the last stanza feels too trite, to "i want to end the poem, i know i'll say that" kind of thing. each line of the poem has to work together even when diametrically opposed to each other.

This started off erotic and got gory. I don't know what I wanted to do with this, but it made me laugh.

Sex (My Life)

She reaches for erection hard and fat
Looks between my legs and says, “give me that”

Eye the body, slither down moist vulva
Reminds of that summer with grandma

Could she be a demon in disguise?
My penis is sick, alone and cries

I talk in black tongues, her face is dead white
I wish I had never gone on that diet

It was so innocent, but now ungodly
Mingled horrors with grotesque debauchery

The only cure a savage plan
Knife is suitable for castration

Got to nut off
It is cut off
now crumbling soft

[BennyBoy]

Thanks for the critique! I did not notice the confusion in the "hard and fat" line. I think you're absolutely correct about the rest (the last stanza is incredibly trite).

Here's what I learned: be subtle, and ...

Can you explain what you mean by "pick a route you want the poem to go down and go down it"? Do you mean keep the tone consistent (horrific, comedy, or horror/comedy?). I suppose some lines are pure comedy and some are more horror, so the poem may be going for different effects at different parts.

Thanks again!

[billy]

pick a route. choose the type of poem you want ( a destination) take the best route to to. in truth there's little horror to the poem. and not too much humour. if you want it to have embrace black comedy then make it specific to black comedy, if you was it to be sexual, then make it so but have a theme (so yes, that's my answer )


She reaches for erection hard and fat; could be;

She reaches for hard, fat erection, or

She reaches for the hard fat erection...the list is endless and the only one so far that's ambiguous is the original

[Haunter]

All men's penises get sick once in a while. That's why they throw up.

[billy]

while funnies are great, we try and include some feedback when we use them in the feedback forums

[Haunter]

Fair enough. It was a bit too vulgar for my liking, but I suppose people who love Postmodern poetry might find it enjoyable.

[arbil_poieo]

I would suggest making it into a comedy, at least that's what I got from it. I agree with billy the sick penis line would be a good start. If you want comedy to be your theme then it shouldn't be as direct as what you have, maybe some innuendoes and subtle hints.

[destiny1313]

I really like the mixture of dark and humorous here...well done. The first line does kind of leave it up to the imagination whether she or the erection is hard and fat I am unsure if that was intended, but sort of seems like your sense of humor since you also left a lot to the imagination as far as what happened those summers with grandma

[Jae Mc Donnell]

What I got from this was; Man having sex with a woman, looks down at her vulva, for some reason granny pops into his head, dude just can't get granny out of his head. End result, sad face, and two soft heads
As for the hard and fat part, for me the context was good enough
Other than that it dose the job. That's if I'm reading the poem right