my first post feedback please

[destiny1313]

Desensitized

Trying to find myself in the rubble and ash
Singed souls Broken dreams
Remnants of the past

Never being good enough for typical reality
Departing from myself
Getting lost in technicality

Trying so hard
Always falling down
Fucked up dreams in a broken torn town

My trust given loyalty held
My head up high
Every time thrown their love was just a lie

Giving up in tears of frustration
Getting lost in my life
Knots of complication

Loosing sense of emotion believing only touching
Feeling only anger
"I love you" meaning nothing

Hearing it'll get better
Awaiting a fresh start
It's never coming and i'm being torn a part

[billy]

hi destiny not bad, not bad at all. but it like most poems needs more work. the 2nd line should read as Singed soul. Broken dreams so check for bad grammar (- where - aren't needed) and cliche. cliche is the bain of new and old poets alike, they tend to make new poetry seem like old poetry. things like trying so hard or my head up high
are just two old phrases that everyone's heard before. and also, redundancy; Memories of the past are there any other kind. are there memories of the future? so that would be simply, memories or burnt memories use words that relate if possible but that also aren't redundant on their own

welcome to the site

[destiny1313]

Thank you for your feedback! I will rid of my (-'s) I have a bad habit of doing that. I am trying to get back into my writing and now have some pointers to revise this with which I really appreciate. Memories of the past...I liked that line but you are right its totally redundant.

[destiny1313]

made a few changes

[arbil_poieo]

Welcome Destiny!
I love the second stanza, it's a good way to describe how someone feels disconnected from other people and themselves, excellent job!
"Trying so hard/always falling down"---it's an overused expression, a cliche
"knots of complication"--I like that, I can see complications being knots, it gets your point across very clearly
"Loosing" in stanza 6 should be losing
"I love you meaning nothing"---another cliche, can this be worded different?

I think you got something here, this is very promising. All the emotions can be felt and they're clear, they just need to be expressed with originality.