They sold me a fairey story

[TwistedAngel]

Don't wanna be seen as a killjoy
Stressed out trying to afford the 'right' toy
To do me best for me little boy

His mates will receive xbox, playstations, wiis an 3D TV's
He aint old enuff to understand, as I fail to please
Santa didnt listen, is all he sees

Gifts placed at the foot of his bed
Paid from me own soul bled
Wrapped in anguished tears shed

Me brave little soldier
I fear as he grows older
He'll realise why, his worlds so much colder

Never seen his real dad
A mother whos judged as bad
All my fault, the chances he'll never have

So heres to the Christmas spirit
Bravely I'll smile to give it
Life my child dont miss it
I'll fight everyday for your right to live it

[Todd]

As a parent, I like the content you're attacking. In my mind you have a hard balance to achieve, I want the spelling that stays true to your dialect, but I need the non dialect words spelled right to pull it off (fairy for instance). Look the content of a parent fearing that their kid is going to feel cheated when they get older and the innocence of childhood slips away is powerful stuff. Even if you have money, the fear you'll screw everything up is always there.

The lines that stood out were the ones of the mother judged as bad but also taking the fault. I think there's deeper you can go here but you seem to get trapped in the rhyme. Just an opinion. I think you need to mine this deeper.

Best,

Todd

[cidermaid]

I'm afraid I don't have much to add to what Todd has written, and I do agree that perhaps there is more in here to explore and work with, but I just wanted to say how well I thought you had captured this, if this is your first draft is is already working well .
You have managed to convey both tender and raw emotion, that any parent will recognise.
A good read that touched me and caused me to think....v topical.
Thanks for the share.

[billy]

Don't wanna be seen as a killjoy
Stressed out trying to afford the 'right' toy
To do me best for me little boy

His mates will receive xbox, playstations, wiis an 3D TV's
He aint old enuff to understand, as I fail to please ain't old enough
Santa didnt listen, is all he sees didn't

Gifts placed at the foot of his bed
Paid from me own soul bled
Wrapped in anguished tears shed

Me brave little soldier
I fear as he grows older
He'll realise why, his worlds so much colder i like this a lot, including the cliche

Never seen his real dad
A mother whos judged as bad
All my fault, the chances he'll never have

So heres to the Christmas spirit
Bravely I'll smile to give it
Life my child dont miss it
I'll fight everyday for your right to live it

i'm not sure how but we need to sort you out a spell check, till then this online spell checker may help, there are others you could bookmark which may be of help.

apart from some spelling and grammar mistakes, it's a great read. even the cliche works. which is what i was trying to point out on other poems. sometimes they work, like here, sometimes they don't. the poem is sad beyond understanding. hard to comprehend unless you've been in that place. very down to earth and heart wrenching. our family had to go through similar times. not sure the last line is needed

thanks for the read..

[TwistedAngel]

cheers guys

in me defence the 'e' is next to the 'r' an the word 'fairy' is not a actual spelling mistake but a typo..oops my bad

an thanks for the spell checker will deffo be using it

[billy]

the spell checker won't pick up on all the error's but it should help. we must use the same fat fingers

[Art Deco]

Hi TwistedAngel

I admired your poem - It was hard-hitting, from the heart and truthful. It highlights a situation that I guess is relevant to many these days.
You'll need to edit by inserting/deleting some of those pesky apostrophes!!

Don't wanna be seen as a killjoy
Stressed out trying to afford the 'right' toy
To do me best for me little boy
Strong opening stanza which got my attention immediately

His mates will receive xbox, playstations, wiis an 3D TV's TVs
He aint old enuff to understand, as I fail to please ain't
Santa didnt listen, is all he sees didn't

Gifts placed at the foot of his bed
Paid from me own soul bled This line seems a bit forced
Wrapped in anguished tears shed

Me brave little soldier
I fear as he grows older
He'll realise why, his worlds so much colder

Never seen his real dad
A mother whos judged as bad who's
All my fault, the chances he'll never have

So heres to the Christmas spirit here's
Bravely I'll smile to give it
Life my child dont miss it
I'll fight everyday for your right to live it

Thanks for sharing this

[TwistedAngel]

courtesey of me new friend 'Spellcheck.net'

Don't wanna be seen as a killjoy
Stressed out trying to afford the 'right' toy
To do me best for me little boy

His mates will receive Xbox, Playstations, Wiis an 3D TVs
He ain't old enuff to understand, as I fail to please
Santa didn't listen, is all he sees

Gifts placed at the foot of his bed
Paid from me own soul bled
Wrapped in anguished tears shed

Me brave little soldier
I fear as he grows older
He'll realise why, his worlds so much colder

Never seen his real dad
A mother whose judged as bad
All my fault, the chances he'll never have

So heres to the Christmas spirit
Bravely I'll smile to give it
Life my child don't miss it
I'll fight everyday for your right to live it

[Bizzy]

I really liked this - as a parent I also recognise the dilemma we all face in wanting our children to believe that the world is a fair place for as long as they can, knowing all the time that they will be brought hard up against the truth one day. I liked the way it was written in dialect too giving a sense of place & time to the action.

[kamirakara]

This poem almost made me cry! I really like how you manage to tell such a sad story in such a beautiful way... I feel like this should be a Christmas song!
As a daughter this really made me think of how I'm always complaining about the things I cannot have to my mother... I won't do that much anymore... Thank you!