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Above ground, but buried
I'm biting my nails until I bleed
Trapped in a cage of steel
Let me out, let me feel
Exuding wounds from my biting,
like a silver fox
Vanity will be the death of me
Everyone too busy to hear my plea
Nothing but a product of consumption
Who will stand with me in objection?
I'm living in my own feces,
like a silver fox
Euthanize me, before I'm skinned alive
I chew my hands, I will never survive
I'm not alone, what we produce appeal
I beg you, let me out, let me feel
I'm sore, I'm aching
Amputated, bones breaking
I'm a silver fox
Posts: 5,057
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the bones of a good poem are evident but they're buried beneath the steel cage and the nailbiting blood
Exuding wounds from my biting, just this one line takes away 75% of the poems value. it feels weak, it feel very cutty, and the bite word is a repetition that doesn't help. remove anything at all that isn't needed, things like:
my plea.
the idea you have of being caught in a trap is well thought out. the last three lines worke really well because of it but area's of the poem feel a bit too glib.
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(11-08-2012, 08:07 AM)billy Wrote: the bones of a good poem are evident but they're buried beneath the steel cage and the nailbiting blood
Exuding wounds from my biting, just this one line takes away 75% of the poems value. it feels weak, it feel very cutty, and the bite word is a repetition that doesn't help. remove anything at all that isn't needed, things like:
my plea.
the idea you have of being caught in a trap is well thought out. the last three lines worke really well because of it but area's of the poem feel a bit too glib.
Thank you so much for your feedback! The problem you are discribing is exactly what I know I'm struggling with, and I am so glad that you took the time to explain what was useless in the poem and what works! I made a new version, trying to correct some of the things you are discribing. I hope I have understood everything correctly, as English is my second language and I'm not familiar with all the terms. Feel free to read it:
Above ground, but buried
I'm biting my nails until I bleed
Trapped in a cage of steel
Let me out, let me feel
Vanity will be the death of me
Only when I pass I will be free
Nothing but a product of consumption
Who will stand with me in objection?
Euthanize me, before I'm skinned alive
I chew my hands, I will never survive
I'm not alone, what we produce appeal
I beg you, let me out, let me feel
I'm sore, I'm aching
Amputated, bones breaking
I'm a silver fox
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
(11-08-2012, 11:52 PM)kamirakara Wrote: Above ground, but buried
I'm biting my nails until I bleed
Trapped in a cage of steel
Let me out, let me feel
Vanity will be the death of me
Only when I pass I will be free
Nothing but a product of consumption
Who will stand with me in objection?
Euthanize me, before I'm skinned alive
I chew my hands, I will never survive
I'm not alone, what we produce appeal
I beg you, let me out, let me feel
I'm sore, I'm aching
Amputated, bones breaking
I'm a silver fox
Ooh, I like the edit. You upped the urgency, I think. I'm afraid I didn't understand the line "I'm not alone, what we produce appeal"... something must be lost in translation.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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(11-10-2012, 03:50 PM)addy Wrote: (11-08-2012, 11:52 PM)kamirakara Wrote: Above ground, but buried
I'm biting my nails until I bleed
Trapped in a cage of steel
Let me out, let me feel
Vanity will be the death of me
Only when I pass I will be free
Nothing but a product of consumption
Who will stand with me in objection?
Euthanize me, before I'm skinned alive
I chew my hands, I will never survive
I'm not alone, what we produce appeal
I beg you, let me out, let me feel
I'm sore, I'm aching
Amputated, bones breaking
I'm a silver fox
Ooh, I like the edit. You upped the urgency, I think. I'm afraid I didn't understand the line "I'm not alone, what we produce appeal"... something must be lost in translation.
Well, I can at least try to explain... Silver foxes are locked in cages, row after row filled with innocent lives, trapped because somebody wants their fur. I think that also symbolizes the lives of many people today...
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Nice edit, brings out the stregnth of the lines that really count. I can feel the the desperation and you put over the lack of self worth really well (only a product of consumption) you could swap 2nd and 3rd Stanza round to give it a sense of finality, but thats just me. Thanks for the read.
TOMH
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(11-13-2012, 07:27 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote: Nice edit, brings out the stregnth of the lines that really count. I can feel the the desperation and you put over the lack of self worth really well (only a product of consumption) you could swap 2nd and 3rd Stanza round to give it a sense of finality, but thats just me. Thanks for the read.
TOMH
Thank you, I'll try it and see how it works ;D
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