The Joy of the Impulsive

[Meilhac]

New version 2.0:
Life isn’t a fight,
supposed to be fought.
But it’s a harvest,
supposed to be gleaned.
Life isn’t a process
That ought be controlled
Life is impulsive actions.
Life is impulsive joy.

You will encounter sorrow,
Aslong with your pleasures.
You will lose girlfriends
Aslong as you will encounter delights.
You will see the birth of your daughter,
and the passing of your wife.

But one thing is sure
Life can’t and never must be
a gray bureaucrazy.


Original version:
Life isn’t a fight,
that’s supposed to be fought.
But it’s a harvest
that’s supposed to be harvested.
Life isn’t something
That should be controlled
Life should be experienced through impulsive actions.
Impulsive, joy filled actions.

You will encounter sorrow,
As well as you will encounter pleasures.
You will lose girlfriends
As well as relatives.
You will see the birth of your daughter, and you will see the passing of your wife.

But one thing is sure
Life can’t and must never be a bureaucratized process.

[TwistedAngel]

not sure if this is a critisism or me me own OCD showing but wouldnt the line
"You will see the birth of your daughter, and you will see the passing of your wife." be better as 2 instead of one ?..just keeps everything nice an neat is all

i really liked this write an found meself nodding along with it in agreement
it flows an rolls so easily except the word 'bureaucratized' i kinda fell over that..but then thats cool cos maybe were meant to

[Meilhac]

That was actually supposted to be two lines, i'll just go edit it

The only line that's supposted to be long is actually the line with word "impulsive"

Bureaucritized is supposed to stand out, but i'll revisit it, if more find it disturbing ! I love hearing feedback on my work, and hope i can give some later on. First post on this forum.

[Todd]

Hi Meilhac,

Good reading your poem. Here are some comments for you:


[quote='Meilhac' pid='106342' dateline='1353195056']
New version:
Life isn’t a fight,
that’s supposed to be fought.--you could cut the that's
But it’s a harvest
that’s supposed to be harvested.--again you could cut the that's and unlike fight/fought harvest/harvested doesn't flow as well. Maybe something else reaped or some such
Life isn’t something--jmo but you've got to pull up the controlled part to this line. Life isn't something is too vague to hold the line
That should be controlled--I wouldn't be so slavish to the mirroring you can mix up the lead in verbs without sacrificing anything
Life should be experienced through impulsive actions.
Impulsive, joy filled actions.--these last two lines could be your final lines though you could pare them down a bit "life is impulsive actions. Life is impulsive joy" just thoughts obviously needs appropriate line breaks

You will encounter sorrow,
As well as you will encounter pleasures.--maybe condense "along with your pleasures
You will lose girlfriends
As well as relatives.--you need to follow your pattern this line has to be something good to emphasize the balance
You will see the birth of your daughter,
and you will see the passing of your wife.--it flows better if you cut "you will see"

But one thing is sure
Life can’t and must never be a bureaucratized process.--maybe a break on never and maybe rephrase and add something like "be gray bureaucracy" again just a thought

It was a good read. I know those were a lot of comments and opinions. I hope some of it was helpful.

Best,

Todd