I Dreamed
#1


Through everyday and every long night
I rested my head, fantasizing about having her in my sight
I dreamed of holding her so tight
I dreamed I could be the man running away from the darkness, and into the light

Till the day we are united
I'm faceless, no expressions, not excited
The ugly truth is that I'm strong minded
All emotions were hidden, by me she had to be blinded

I dreamed of living in a peaceful home
She fills it, I need nothing but to never see her gone
Love surrounding it, peace in everything we own
I dreamed of being pure, joyful and not alone

Sadly, I'm killing more than just time
Over thinking every situation is indeed a crime
Creating words out of everything and making them rhyme
I dreamed of owning her, my priceless dime

We all witnessed love, but she created a new feeling in my heart
I can finally dream while sleeping, add those dreams to the cart
Just like my sleepless dreams, every end once had a start
I dreamed of being sane, I dreamed of bringing her into my life and giving her a part

I can only keep dreaming because its free
I own nothing but my mind, for owning my heart I have to pay a fee
I dreamed of drawing a true smile on my face for people to see
I dreamed I stopped dreaming, I dreamed she was with me

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Feedback please
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#2
Don't really have any exact points where i can give feedback, just the whole "every-line-has-to-rhyme" seems a bit, diluted?


I could relate to most of it, and i liked the last line especially much!

"I dreamed I stopped dreaming, I dreamed she was with me"
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#3
it has continuous clichés that don't add anything in a new light.
i'd suggest you repost the poem in the novice section where the feedback wouldn't be too much to get your head round.
on that basis i'd suggest making it more original. and on making each verse about something different.

thanks for the read.

(11-18-2012, 06:00 PM)Meilhac Wrote:  Don't really have any exact points where i can give feedback, just the whole "every-line-has-to-rhyme" seems a bit, diluted?


I could relate to most of it, and i liked the last line especially much!

"I dreamed I stopped dreaming, I dreamed she was with me"
try and give feedback in the novice or mild critique forum till you get the hang of it. if you need help ask someone. it's all about sharing.
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