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10-17-2012, 05:17 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-01-2012, 06:11 PM by billy.)
Listing in port
wallowing between the safe haven of your thighs.
Me beam splits before the ensign is hoisted.
A trawler's perfume floats by
windward of the mainsail.
Me sea legs fail and me arse gives way
in unison with the cannon fire of projectile vomit.
We flounder in a sea of curried goat,
Bushmills, and bad Guinness.
1st edit
Quote:Original:
The Harbour Master
Listing in the port
wallowing between your thighs.
Me beam splits before the ensign is hoisted.
A trawler's perfume floats by
windward of the mainsail.
Me sea legs fail and me arse gives way
in unison with the cannon fire of projectile vomit.
We flounder in a sea of curried goat,
Bushmills, and bad Guinness.
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Given that the content of the poem can be summed up in "dirty drunk sailor sex", I do like that you've taken the unifying liquid element and turned it into something rather pleasantly revolting. The double entendre with "flounder" is enjoyable as is the vivid image/double meaning of the "trawler's perfume" My only major criticism would be, if there is some deeper level upon which this is supposed to operate then it is not apparant to me. My quibbles would be with the word "wallowing" (for some reason doesn't seem to fit) and I don't quite understand what "hoisting the ensign" is (I can guess, but if I'm right then you've mixed your phallic metaphors and that just doesn't move me as much).
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10-18-2012, 08:19 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-18-2012, 08:19 AM by billy.)
thanks for the feedback alden
an ensign, apart from being an officer is also a flag or maritime recognition when entering a foreign port.
i'll have a think about wallowing and see if i can come up with anything better. there is only a level of filth to the thing. it's meant to be as shallow as it seems
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(10-17-2012, 05:17 PM)billy Wrote: Listing in the port
wallowing between your thighs.
Me beam splits before the ensign is hoisted.
A trawler's perfume floats by
windward of the mainsail. scratch and sniff image, love it
Me sea legs fail and me arse gives way
in unison with the cannon fire of projectile vomit.
We flounder in a sea of shit, use of shit seem too crude ?
Bushmills, and bad Guinness.
I have so been here before
Thanks
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Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
thanks for the feedback tomh.
i've change the shit word
