Posts: 6
Threads: 6
Joined: Oct 2012
I'm a sullen girl
an angry sea at rest
Calm before the storm
as the waves in me regress
Like a Tsunami
peaceful right before
Then a tidal wave of emotion
crashes upon my shore
All out of strength
I'm sinking more and more
Drowning in my troubles
They're not puddles anymore
just mercedes
Unregistered
(10-29-2012, 02:15 PM)umbleets Wrote: I'm a sullen girl show me, don't tell me
an angry sea at rest angry and at rest?
Calm before the storm angry and calm?
as the waves in me regress but you're at rest
Like a Tsunami
peaceful right before clumsy construction reaching for end line rhyme
Then a tidal wave of emotion cliche
crashes upon my shore
All out of strength these two lines need work
I'm sinking more and more
Drowning in my troubles cliche even if it's not 'sorrows'
They're not puddles anymore When were they puddles? You start with an angry sea
Hi umbleets - are you sure you want serious critique on your poems? I feel as though I've just hacked into you.
I like the idea of your poem, that emotions can well and overwhelm, and the extended metaphor of the ocean that you used to illustrate that.
It would be great to see you post a comment on someone else's work, too!
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(10-29-2012, 02:15 PM)umbleets Wrote: I'm a sullen girl
an angry sea at rest
Calm before the storm
as the waves in me regress
Like a Tsunami
peaceful right before
Then a tidal wave of emotion
crashes upon my shore
All out of strength
I'm sinking more and more
Drowning in my troubles
They're not puddles anymore
be fair and give feedback to others
at the moment you're batting none for five.
