Come Home Child

[lostinlovingu]

Laying in the bed
Knowing it’s my time
Hearing the Lord saying come home child come home

But I must breathe.
Loved ones in my midst
Holding my hand
Touching my face
They beg me to stay
They know not my pain
And hear the Lord saying come home child come home

I see there tears
I hear the desperation in their voices
I don’t want them to be sad
I don’t want them to cry
But only I can hear the Lord saying come home child come home

I want to stay with them
I want to feel there warm embrace
I want to see smiles on there’s face.
But my time has come
Come home child come home

I must leave you now
Don’t cry many tears
Mourn me and then cherish our memories
Always feel me there the love that I have for you.
Don’t cry We will be together again.
When you hear those sweet words so softly on you can hear
The Lord saying to you Come home child come home!
RIP J****** E**** A*****

[billy]

hi lily
it feels really personal and more so because of the name at the bottom of it. it also feels like a poem from the dead because it also feels that it's a 1st person poem. (welcome to the forum )

Laying in the bed
Knowing it’s my time
Hearing the Lord saying come home child come home why not split the stanzas at the refrain and create pocket of thought in the white space it provides.
But I must breathe.
Loved ones in my midst
Holding my hand
Touching my face
They beg me to stay
They know not my pain
And hear the Lord saying come home child come home
I see there tears
I hear the desperation in their voices
I don’t want them to be sad
I don’t want them to cry
But only I can hear the Lord saying come home child come home
I want to stay with them
I want to feel there warm embrace
I want to see smiles on there’s face.
But my time has come
Come home child come home
I must leave you now
Don’t cry many tears
Mourn me and then cherish our memories
Always feel me there the love that I have for you.
Don’t cry We will be together again.
When you hear those sweet words so softly on you can hear
The Lord saying to you Come home child come home!
RIP J****** E**** A*****

while it's a very sad poem it does have some problems. each stanza is pretty much like the one before it and the one after it. while some of the clichés add to the poem, there are too many of them overall. in places it needs some images where where shown something as opposed to being told something.

great to see your first poem

thanks for the read.

[addy]

Nice to have you posting .

Quite a wistful poem... trying to make peace and make sense of death. Agree with billy's suggestion about breaking up the stanzas. I think once you see it in that format you'll be able to more clearly reassess each segment of the poem, and see where you can trim down the more repetitive ideas. Also watch some of your spelling ("their" instead of there").

A nice effort

[heslopian]

In verses three and four you confuse "their" with "there". Otherwise this is quite an effective poem. The "come home" refrain was haunting and it reminds me of a couple of poems by Emily Dickinson about people on their deathbed. If I had to make a suggestion I'd say that this poem might benefit from a stronger core. Going back to Dickinson, one of those poems I alluded to focused on a fly buzzing around the dying narrator: http://academic.brooklyn.cuny.edu/englis...6/fly.html Maybe you could try working in some small detail like that to make your poem more individual? All this is JMHO, of course. Thanks for the read