Canvas of the Night

[elliottsmith]

Canvas of the night,
journey of the wise.
Lover of the arts in spite
of the moons symbolic rise.
Leave conscious thought behind
weave hidden creativity.
Visions of a world designed
by the soul’s proclivity.

Embrace the demons stuck below
desperate to escape.
Think thoughts you’ll never show;
inside yourself it’s safe.
Journey to the golden shores
the land of childish wonder.
There’s hidden knowledge through the doors,
the most glorious of plunders.

Entrench yourself within the night,
perform the dreamers coup.
Infinite control and might;
a god without the pews.
Riders on the ancient storm
get behind the wheel.
Construct the perfect art form
attack the night with zeal.


This poem isn't finished yet, I'm going to add one more stanza. I'd like to get some opinions on it right now though.

[rowens]

There's too much punctuation so far in this one. 'In spite' with a comma after it gives the idea of spite before we make it to the next line. 'In spite' and 'despite' are used in the same way, but with the comma, 'in spite' brings out another meaning. Everything's locked up with those punctuation marks at the end of every line. I'll be back to say more. I'm being called away, against my will.

[elliottsmith]

There's too much punctuation so far in this one. 'In spite' with a comma after it gives the idea of spite before we make it to the next line. 'In spite' and 'despite' are used in the same way, but with the comma, 'in spite' brings out another meaning. Everything's locked up with those punctuation marks at the end of every line. I'll be back to say more. I'm being called away, against my will.

You were right, thanks. I've removed some of the punctuation.

[billy]

Canvas of the night,
journey of the wise. wise who or what?
Lover of the arts in spite
of the moons symbolic rise.
Leave conscious thought behind
weave hidden creativity. (it's hard to do when you're in a coma )
Visions of a world designed
by the soul’s proclivity. what does this mean? a lot of what is mentioned here are intangibles. things that can't be quantified, (love is an intangible)

Embrace the demons stuck below
desperate to escape.
Think thoughts you’ll never show;
inside yourself it’s safe.
Journey to the golden shores
the land of childish wonder.
There’s hidden knowledge through the doors,
the most glorious of plunders. this reads much better, though L4 is redundant.

Entrench yourself within the night,
perform the dreamers coup. i like this line, i think most people have dreamt of a coup, i have (or at least thought of one)
Infinite control and might;
a god without the pews.
Riders on the ancient storm
get behind the wheel.
Construct the perfect art form
attack the night with zeal.


This poem isn't finished yet, I'm going to add one more stanza. I'd like to get some opinions on it right now though.

3 of the last 4 lines are pure cliche they do need working on. the poem itself feels it's saying the same thing over and over. i think it needs more structure, a natural progression of the dream state. try and keep it changing

thanks for the read.

[elliottsmith]

Canvas of the night,
journey of the wise. wise who or what?
Lover of the arts in spite
of the moons symbolic rise.
Leave conscious thought behind
weave hidden creativity. (it's hard to do when you're in a coma )
Visions of a world designed
by the soul’s proclivity. what does this mean? a lot of what is mentioned here are intangibles. things that can't be quantified, (love is an intangible)

Embrace the demons stuck below
desperate to escape.
Think thoughts you’ll never show;
inside yourself it’s safe.
Journey to the golden shores
the land of childish wonder.
There’s hidden knowledge through the doors,
the most glorious of plunders. this reads much better, though L4 is redundant.

Entrench yourself within the night,
perform the dreamers coup. i like this line, i think most people have dreamt of a coup, i have (or at least thought of one)
Infinite control and might;
a god without the pews.
Riders on the ancient storm
get behind the wheel.
Construct the perfect art form
attack the night with zeal.


This poem isn't finished yet, I'm going to add one more stanza. I'd like to get some opinions on it right now though.

3 of the last 4 lines are pure cliche they do need working on. the poem itself feels it's saying the same thing over and over. i think it needs more structure, a natural progression of the dream state. try and keep it changing

thanks for the read.

Proclivity means natural inclination. I agree the last 4 lines aren't so good.


In the first stanza I was trying to convey how a dream can be something of a work of art (IMO). In the second stanza I was trying to show how dreams are expressions of who you are (both good and bad).

I wrote the last stanza about lucid dreaming, the "coup" was taking control of a dream from your sub-conscious. Being able to do whatever you'd like within a dream, with no limits.

[just mercedes]

Canvas of the night,
journey of the wise.
Lover of the arts in spite not clear who is the lover - the night or the journey?[b]
of the moons symbolic rise. [b]this is the fourth use of 'noun of the noun' construction in four lines. moon's.
Leave conscious thought behind [/b] not sure who you are instructing here
weave hidden creativity.
Visions of a world designed
by the soul’s proclivity.

Embrace the demons stuck below
desperate to escape.
Think thoughts you’ll never show;
inside yourself it’s safe.
Journey to the golden shores
the land of childish wonder. nice imagery[/b]
There’s hidden knowledge through the doors,
the most glorious of plunders.

Entrench yourself within the night,
perform the dreamers coup.
Infinite control and might;
a god without the pews. [/b] ?? clunky, just to make a rhyme
Riders on the ancient storm
get behind the wheel.[b] mixed metaphors?
Construct the perfect art form [/b] uneven meter here, reads roughly
attack the night with zeal.


This poem isn't finished yet, I'm going to add one more stanza. I'd like to get some opinions on it right now though.

I think, once you clear up for the reader who the Narrator is addressing, your message will be carried better - whether the 'you' here is the N speaking of himself in a generic way, or speaking to someone else - and in that case, who?

I really like the idea of gaining inspiration from the night/dark side/unconscious mind and I think you're making a strong poem here!

I don't like your punctuation though and the way the lines are chopped into segments when for me, they would flow better as whole sentences without the end line stops.

[rowens]

If you used 'despite' instead of 'in spite' you could eliminate the 'of' and the spiteful connotation hanging at the edge of the one line.
Lover of the arts despite
the moon's symbolic rise.

The speaker is "just saying" in my view. It's a speaker that exists in the saying. A general voice addressing a subject in and of itself. But this voice has no authority; we can't trust it somehow. And I'll tell you why: It doesn't have the depth and scope, as it is, to handle the intangible subject matter. The voice is too limited to feel like an authoritative guide through the complex nature of dreams. There is no individual personality speaking, so the voice should be more advanced. "A god without the pews" limits the scope of the voice too much. Try to go beyond yourself and create this voice as if it were talking to you as something strange to you. That can open it more to the experience it's extolling.

[heslopian]

This is a poem filled with beautiful fantasy images. It's a very sensory reading experience. Now I'd suggest working a bit more on your narrative. This poem feels a bit like it's constructed solely of images, an impression emphasised by the bullet point like sentences. Provide some kind of rudimentary narrative, like a first person narrator exploring these images, and you'll have a great poem on your hands. JMHO, of course. Thanks for the read