As the Day

[MrA]

I need to borrow her skin.
A priceless lend of youth's lesson:
time cannot be cured,
nor should it, because heaven
is always a home
where God waits with taut skin.

I'd be just another passing face;
the cold hand that once
chilled and burned her fleeting flesh.
A tourist scared of the dark,
but sometimes we need the dark to see
that the days are our executioner.

I need to borrow her skin
to watch her age
and be the day, killing,
dying as the day.

[just mercedes]

I need to borrow her skin.
A priceless lend of youth's lesson: [ loan?]
time cannot be cured,
nor should it, because heaven [nor should it be?]
is always a home
where God waits with taut skin.

I'd be just another passing face;
the cold hand that once [face or hand?]
chilled and burned her fleeting flesh.
A tourist scared of the dark,
but sometimes we need the dark to see
that the days are our executioner.

I need to borrow her skin
to watch her age
and be the day, killing,
dying as the day.

I like the way the poem turns in on itself at the end, the duality of being in her skin, and at the same watching her likened to being both executioner and victim.

[billy]

I need to borrow her skin.
A priceless lend of youth's lesson:
time cannot be cured,
nor should it, because heaven
is always a home
where God waits with taut skin. no nits really for this stanza. the god part sort of spoils it for me, he stops it being about you wanting to watch her grow; like, why worry if there's a heaven etc

I'd be just another passing face;
the cold hand that once
chilled and burned her fleeting flesh.
A tourist scared of the dark,
but sometimes we need the dark to see
that the days are our executioner. this stanza loses me a little. i'm presuming the person is talking about going to heaven here? i'm probably wrong but if that's the case, it paints a dim pic of heaven.

I need to borrow her skin
to watch her age
and be the day, killing,
dying as the day. i enjoyed the wordplay in this stanza,

i get the feel the her is a daughter. the last stanza and the title;e tie in really well with each other. my one nit is the "her" i'd of liked to have seen her more developed in the poem., if only to give me a better handle to get a grip of

thanks for the read.

[MrA]

Originally it was "should it be" but it clashed with "because". I meant hand; suggesting to take maybe. Thank you for your feedback, just mercedes.

---

Well, Billy the God thing wasn't actually aiming at a God but more of a person who would be deemed as one. I'm agnostic so there's never any substance when I mention God or religions. They just intrigue me I suppose.
The poem is about an old(er) man(the narrator) and a young girl who he wants to 'sleep with' and in doing so stealing her youth and innocence and restoring some feeling of youth in himself. As he definitely isn't enjoying getting old.
Hope that's a bit more clearer, I'm often too cryptic I think. Thanks for the feedback, Billy.


(sorry about the reply form. still getting the hang of this place)

[billy]

in the reply you say stealing her youth, i.e. taking her virginity or essence and that would be much clearer as to what the guy wanted. from borrowing i got an idea of him seeing through her eyes. it's why i presumed daughter. i get what you're saying about being agnostic but the read doesn't or didn't suggest the fact to me. for instance you don't know i'm 5 ft 8 inches tall or that i'm a non believing Christian.
thanks for taking the feedback without gutting me

[MrA]

in the reply you say stealing her youth, i.e. taking her virginity or essence and that would be much clearer as to what the guy wanted. from borrowing i got an idea of him seeing through her eyes. it's why i presumed daughter. i get what you're saying about being agnostic but the read doesn't or didn't suggest the fact to me. for instance you don't know i'm 5 ft 8 inches tall or that i'm a non believing Christian.
thanks for taking the feedback without gutting me

Yeah, but now I know. Just don't wanna be too direct when I'm writing, which has it's,disadvantages, but requires a bit of thought and people can often see something that,I couldn't. Nothing to gut for.

[billy]

that's a fair comment. i'm usually on the opposite end
of the scale where it's that easy to understand it verges on boring.
and i have to agree that sometimes if people to have a different take on one
it sort of adds to it's depth.

[addy]

I really like many of the elements here. 'Where god waits with taut skin' is an interesting turn of phrase, and I like how you ended it. I think it could be tightened up a wee bit more: just one example, you don't need "because" in line 4, especially since it weakens the immediate drama... just break the phrases apart.

Also, reading through your narrative intent for the poem: you don't have to be too overt or anything, but i think you need to insert an image or reference that more clearly alludes sexual desire. Though in reality the narrator's desire might have little to do with actual sex, it at least will give some context to the story.

Nicely done. Cheers

[MrA]

I really like many of the elements here. 'Where god waits with taut skin' is an interesting turn of phrase, and I like how you ended it. I think it could be tightened up a wee bit more: just one example, you don't need "because" in line 4, especially since it weakens the immediate drama... just break the phrases apart.

Also, reading through your narrative intent for the poem: you don't have to be too overt or anything, but i think you need to insert an image or reference that more clearly alludes sexual desire. Though in reality the narrator's desire might have little to do with actual sex, it at least will give some context to the story.

Nicely done. Cheers

The 'because' was originally 'for' but I didn't want to sound too ancient. I'll see what I can do. Aye, I think it could do with a trimming and maybe a little hint of an explanation but that's a maybe.

I appreciate the honest feedback and praise. Cheers.

[Aish]

I love the idea of paradise in the flesh.

This is a stark opposite to the idea of embracing Divinity through sex, which rings true in a concrete, physical need to grab the blood and dirt of human experience, bury in deep, and look at the waiting oblivion with resolute disdain.

S2L5 could be restructured to something more along the lines of "but darkness is necessary to see". The futility is palpable.

Age craving youth is about as real as it gets. The first time I read through I couldn't help thinking of Ed Gein.

[billy]

i can attest to the fact that age does indeed crave youth

[MrA]

I love the idea of paradise in the flesh.

This is a stark opposite to the idea of embracing Divinity through sex, which rings true in a concrete, physical need to grab the blood and dirt of human experience, bury in deep, and look at the waiting oblivion with resolute disdain.

S2L5 could be restructured to something more along the lines of "but darkness is necessary to see". The futility is palpable.

Age craving youth is about as real as it gets. The first time I read through I couldn't help thinking of Ed Gein.

I'm just happy nobody said it was creepy yet. To me it has that creepy, bitter essence to it when I read it, none of which were there when writing.

It could definitely do with a trim and tightening up. Thanks for the insightful comment, Aish.

[Todd]

Hi MrA,

I didn't read the comments so forgive me if I cover areas already fully addressed.

I need to borrow her skin.--love the opening line
A priceless lend of youth's lesson:--This feels a bid awkward to me. I think you could cut this entirely. L1 can move directly into the equally strong L3
time cannot be cured,
nor should it, because heaven
is always a home
where God waits with taut skin.--great image

I'd be just another passing face;
the cold hand that once
chilled and burned her fleeting flesh.--I would just used burned here. It still gives you the contrast and feels stronger than the two words
A tourist scared of the dark,
but sometimes we need the dark to see
that the days are our executioner.--I love days are our executioner

I need to borrow her skin
to watch her age--you could probably cut the to
and be the day, killing,--might be stronger without killing you've already established day as an executioner
dying as the day.

Really solid start to finish. I like how you address the theme. Your phrasing is original. I hope the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Aish]

Ed Gein was a serial killer who made things like lamp shades from his victims skin.

CREEPY

I love the idea of paradise in the flesh.

This is a stark opposite to the idea of embracing Divinity through sex, which rings true in a concrete, physical need to grab the blood and dirt of human experience, bury in deep, and look at the waiting oblivion with resolute disdain.

S2L5 could be restructured to something more along the lines of "but darkness is necessary to see". The futility is palpable.

Age craving youth is about as real as it gets. The first time I read through I couldn't help thinking of Ed Gein.

I'm just happy nobody said it was creepy yet. To me it has that creepy, bitter essence to it when I read it, none of which were there when writing.

It could definitely do with a trim and tightening up. Thanks for the insightful comment, Aish.

[MrA]

That's the last time I refuse to google.

So, creepy? Thanks.

[Todd]

Now after my crit, I read the comments...

Aish, you brought Ed Gein into it...geez wasn't he the inspiration for Norman Bates?

I got the old coveting youth but I didn't slip into Ed Gein...haha not saying you're off, it's just like going to a circus and saying,"oh, crap is that Gacy?"

Sorry for the digression MrA.

[Aish]

Haha, Todd!! Oddly enough Gein was my first impression, I had to step away and come back fresh in order to read it properly. Yes, I do believe he was the inspiration for Norman Bates as well as the serial killer in Silence of the Lambs.
Apologies, Dan, for the sidebar

[MrA]

Just noticed your comment; sorry Todd.
All good suggestions, especially cutting out words and lines. Thanks for the helpful feedback.

Hi MrA,

I didn't read the comments so forgive me if I cover areas already fully addressed.

I need to borrow her skin.--love the opening line
A priceless lend of youth's lesson:--This feels a bid awkward to me. I think you could cut this entirely. L1 can move directly into the equally strong L3
time cannot be cured,
nor should it, because heaven
is always a home
where God waits with taut skin.--great image

I'd be just another passing face;
the cold hand that once
chilled and burned her fleeting flesh.--I would just used burned here. It still gives you the contrast and feels stronger than the two words
A tourist scared of the dark,
but sometimes we need the dark to see
that the days are our executioner.--I love days are our executioner

I need to borrow her skin
to watch her age--you could probably cut the to
and be the day, killing,--might be stronger without killing you've already established day as an executioner
dying as the day.

Really solid start to finish. I like how you address the theme. Your phrasing is original. I hope the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd