working the bar.

[billy]

A double helix of smoke spiralled
up from behind well manicured fingers
their pink shock of varnish, contrasted
the black shine of Gothic lip gloss.
Dim lights and cotton trousers couldn't hide
a stiffening from her heterochromic gaze.
She fixated on it, dripping me a smile.

For most of the night we chair danced
not chancing a corporeal touch we posed
and postured. prettifying the night owls
casual in all sense of the word, plying
transmogrified coke heads working the floor.
Saturday night delighters on the run
from two point three screamers locked up at home.

I waited for the ball hefting gangsters,
pretty soon they'd all scratched a passage
through the crowd to stand there iconically;
expecting gifts of flesh and gratitude
She diffused them with a wave of hand
At the evenings end she called me over
"Give yer dad a lift to lock up" she said.

---

i rushed this because ive not done one for a while, (i'm not making excuses) so i'm prepared to actually workshop the bugger quite a bit.

[rowens]

If you're going to revise it, simply because you feel it was rushed, I'll wait and look at it again. Some of the lines flow like more than one sentence in one sentence. It has that feel, especially since you implied it's not finished. Sometimes I read it through and think it almost works as it is, but then I'm not sure. I don't see anything bad about how the subject's handled as far as that goes.

[billy]

no, i think it's okay, i'm just not expecting it to be seen that way by others.

[addy]

There's some great images and mood-setting going on here. At points it gets a bit muddles and overdone for me, but that's more of a taste thing

A double helix of smoke spiralled why 'double helix' and not a helix though?
up from behind well manicured fingers comma here?
their pink shock of varnish, no comma contrasted
the black shine of Gothic lip gloss.
Dim lights and cotton trousers couldn't hide
a stiffening from her heterochromic not a fan of this word personally, but how about "heterochrome" to cut down on the mouthful? gaze.
She fixated on it, dripping me a smile.

For most of the night we chair danced
not chancing a corporeal touch comma here we posed
and postured. prettifying the night owls
casual in all sense of the word not sure "in all sense of the word" adds too much , plying
transmogrified interesting word choice , actually quite fitting coke heads working the floor.
Saturday night delighters on the run
from two point three screamers locked up at home.

I waited for the ball hefting gangsters, period or semicolon?
pretty soon they'd all scratched a passage
through the crowd to stand there iconically;
expecting gifts of flesh and gratitude
She diffused them with a wave of hand
At the evenings end she called me over Seems like an abrupt jump to the conclusion, but that's just me
"Give yer dad a lift to lock up" she said.

---

.

[rowens]

I'm still letting others do the hard work with this one. I'm in a carrion mood so far this week. 'Prettifying' might need the uppercase 'P'. And there's some punctuation that might be used to guide the weightier lines. I like the detail; for me, though, lots of adjectives feel tricky. But as you probably know about me, I tend to leave things unbalanced and cross the subtle line. I don't feel that here, because the subject is kind of subtle, despite the attention to detail and imagery. I think the lack of punctuation leaves it a bit troubling. The possessive 'evening's' needs that ' too.

[billy]

thanks guys, i'm watching the debates in a
few minutes but afterwards i'll do an edit.
you both make some sense

[MrA]

A double helix of smoke spiralled
up from behind well manicured fingers
their pink shock of varnish, contrasted
the black shine of Gothic lip gloss.
Dim lights and cotton trousers couldn't hide
a stiffening from her heterochromic gaze.
She fixated on it, dripping me a smile.this is an image that's a bit difficult. Maybe pouring me a smile? Or something.

For most of the night we chair dancedphrasing: we chair danced most of the night. The 'For' was excess and could go.
not chancing a corporeal touch we posed
and postured. prettifying the night owls
casual in all sense of the word, plying
transmogrified coke heads working the floor.
Saturday night delighters on the run
from two point three screamers locked up at home.I do like the "prettifying the night owls", but the rest seems a little contrived. Could be just that ugly "transmogrified" word; seems to be over-doing it a little.

I waited for the ball hefting gangsters,
pretty soon they'd all scratched a passage
through the crowd to stand there iconically;
expecting gifts of flesh and gratitude
She diffused them with a wave of handI think "wave of hand" could be changed to "a deft gesture" or something else; just a suggestion.
At the evenings end she called me over
"Give yer dad a lift to lock up" she said.

---

I agree with Addy on much of the punctuation. Quite like this piece, especially the last stanza. Has an almost touchable feel to it, maybe because of its honest subject matter combined with the tangible imagery and description.


i rushed this because ive not done one for a while, (i'm not making excuses) so i'm prepared to actually workshop the bugger quite a bit.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback, i'm trying to do another poem at present but will take note of your suggestion (all the suggestions) on an edit. the (for ) can definitely go