Gravity

[braggman]

Attraction is
a provability
the tether
the strange force at a distance
that holds all together
as it falls disparate
and tangent
to the ground
to the moon
to the sun.
 
Strangely attracted children
hear and infer
the ice cream truck
by its song and its route
because space is curved
by desire.
 
We sit at the edge
of a tree line
within the faint arc of porch light
watching cold blacknight warped
into warm galactic flows.
Though we each began as separate stars
our paths at last approached and circled
as they have since countless times
and yet they never wed.
 
I have known you
since you were lightning and I the air you parted,
since we were water and the wind drew us in,
since you were sunlight and I sealed in amber,
you were jasmine and I the fallen dew.
We teased, we courted, we played unhurried.
We seeped among the leaves.
We rose to our adjacent clouds.
We lay in wait in the abyssal hills.  
We died and bloomed and crystallized
but were always released anew from the fire.
 
I cannot watch you pass again this time
cannot release you back to the flow that washed us
finally here
cannot stay silent, cannot stop shaking, cannot find words or thoughts for anyone but you and yet you make it clear
I cannot have you.
You have no memory of this passionate force
that binds me
close but never reaching.
My petitions carry no such weight
in your center
trapped here by the burden
of my own gravity.
 
Though worlds may pass
and new be built ten thousand times
before we get this chance again
each alive with voice and passion,
still you and I will rise from here
and as I’ve always known
you’ll return to that perpetual path
 
out
away from my side.







I've never been satisfied with the fourth stanza of this and meant to rework it. Would like some input, but get the feeling that where it should be strongest it is the weakest.

[billy]

hi braggman

Attraction is
a provability works but only because of the title.
the tether
the strange force at a distance is 'the strange' needed, is gravity strange?
that holds all together
as it falls disparate love 'disparate' though it's a bit confusing as to what is falling?
and tangent
to the ground
to the moon
to the sun. to many 'to's'
the 1st stanza works though some of the statements feel contrived. the metaphor that's in play feels mixed. it's seems to be about attraction which isn't really the same thing.
 
Strangely attracted children why strangely?
hear and infer
the ice cream truck
by its song and its route
because space is curved is 'because' needed?
by desire.
 
We sit at the edge
of a tree line
within the faint arc of porch light
watching cold blacknight warped this and the next line carry great images should black night be two words or hyphenated?
into warm galactic flows.
Though we each began as separate stars
our paths at last approached and circled at last' is redundant
as they have since countless times
and yet they never wed. no but they have been know to collide and become one
 
I have known you
since you were lightning and I the air you parted,
since we were water and the wind drew us in,
since you were sunlight and I sealed in amber, some of the metaphor break down a little upon reflection.
you were jasmine and I the fallen dew.
We teased, we courted, we played unhurried.
We seeped among the leaves. nice image
We rose to our adjacent clouds.
We lay in wait in the abyssal hills.  
We died and bloomed and crystallized
but were always released anew from the fire. feels cliched.
 
I cannot watch you pass again this time this time is redundant
cannot release you back to the flow that washed us
finally here
cannot stay silent, cannot stop shaking, cannot find words or thoughts for anyone but you and yet you make it clear
I cannot have you.
You have no memory of this passionate force
that binds me
close but never reaching.
My petitions carry no such weight
in your center
trapped here by the burden
of my own gravity.
 
Though worlds may pass
and new be built ten thousand times
before we get this chance again
each alive with voice and passion,
still you and I will rise from here
and as I’ve always known
you’ll return to that perpetual path
 
out
away from my side.



I've never been satisfied with the fourth stanza of this and meant to rework it. Would like some input, but get the feeling that where it should be strongest it is the weakest.

i think it's big enough in stature and content to get a really good poem out of it, personally ink you have two poems in there. some of the transitions from generalisations to personal encounters feel to far apart and the style of each stanza aren't abrupt enough to distinguish one from the other. my major nit is that it gets too wordy in the last half. most of it could be stripped out to leave a solid core. it's starts off with a smattering of science and then that part disappears. i don't think it would be harmful to create two poems.

all the things i mention are only suggestions for you to look at. in general you have a great base from which to workshop the piece. a piece which is better by far than many others

thanks braggman.

[Todd]

Hi braggman,

Welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you:

For me, the best part of the poem is S2. It's a good lead up to the relationship in the later strophes with the use of desire. I'm not sure Strangely attracted is even necessary since the image implies the attraction. If you cut I'd pull children down to the next line. There's a part of me that would like to see the tight elegance of S2 used as a model for the later strophes, or S1 for that matter.

Attraction is
a provability
the tether
the strange force at a distance--this line feels a bit long
that holds all together
as it falls disparate
and tangent
to the ground
to the moon
to the sun.

--I don't dislike the ideas in S1. It just feels like too long of a lead up. I can see keeping it or cutting it entirely. I'm not entirely sure you need it. Sorry if that sounds vague. I'm torn.
 
Strangely attracted children
hear and infer
the ice cream truck
by its song and its route
because space is curved
by desire.
 
We sit at the edge--I like the break
of a tree line
within the faint arc of porch light --I like faint arc of porch light
watching cold blacknight warped--I like the alliteration and the internal rhyme
into warm galactic flows.
Though we each began as separate stars--maybe some slight cuts: though and each
our paths at last approached and circled--may not need at last
as they have since countless times--maybe simply countless times
and yet they never wed.

--This strophe is cool because of some of the celestial language. One of the reasons S1 may be unneeded.
 
I have known you
since you were lightning and I the air you parted,
since we were water and the wind drew us in,
since you were sunlight and I sealed in amber,
you were jasmine and I the fallen dew.
We teased, we courted, we played unhurried.
We seeped among the leaves.
We rose to our adjacent clouds.
We lay in wait in the abyssal hills.  
We died and bloomed and crystallized
but were always released anew from the fire.

--the issue you may be having here is it's just two many different images to hold together. The lightning is interesting. The last part of that line might sound better if you invert it: "and I the parted air" There's an explosiveness to your image that I like. It screams to the infatuation and first spark of connection. If you extend the image to related imagery maybe of thunder, rain, you could then rise to your adjacent cloud...but tighter and more controlled may serve you better
 
I cannot watch you pass again this time
cannot release you back to the flow that washed us
finally here
cannot stay silent, cannot stop shaking, cannot find words or thoughts for anyone but you and yet you make it clear
I cannot have you.
You have no memory of this passionate force
that binds me
close but never reaching.
My petitions carry no such weight
in your center
trapped here by the burden
of my own gravity.

--the last two lines connect and work. The rest while having a Neruda Tonight I Write pleading to them feel too unfocused to me.
 
Though worlds may pass
and new be built ten thousand times
before we get this chance again
each alive with voice and passion,
still you and I will rise from here
and as I’ve always known
you’ll return to that perpetual path
 
out
away from my side.

--this last strophe is more focused than S5 but it still feels like paring it down some would help. These are more declarations and they need something more to leave us with any punch..More imagery maybe.




I've never been satisfied with the fourth stanza of this and meant to rework it. Would like some input, but get the feeling that where it should be strongest it is the weakest.

I'm not sure how helpful that is, but I hope it is in some way. Those are my initial impressions. I may think of something more specific as I continue to go over it.

Best,

Todd

[braggman]

Thank you both. I'll put this into rewrite in a few weeks. Being a science nerd, it had totally escaped my notice that "strange attractors" from Chaos Theory, "Strange force at a distance" and "spooky force at a distance" as Newton's detractors called his theory of gravity are not a part of most people's lexicon. Strangely attracted children would seem strange. Trying to give impression of long time and many transmutations in that stanza that troubles me. Good amount of help here to start.

[addy]

Welcome to the forums! I really like this piece, it needs a bit of a trim but I love most of it

Attraction is
a provability Interesting word
the tether
the strange force at a distance
that holds all together
as it falls disparate
and tangent
to the ground
to the moon
to the sun. I too am on the fence about this stanza... I think at the moment its too long-winded for something that on the face of it is just a basic definition of gravity, without yet getting to the good stuff (the metaphors about attraction, etc). It needs a little sprucing up to justify itself. (Just one example, "the ground, the moon, the sun" is a bit of an obvious progression of ideas... not enough to be a flourish.
 
Strangely attracted children The line in isolation doesn't bother me, but given that you use the words "strange' and "attraction" in the first stanza you have to be wary not to repeat yourself too much
hear and infer
the ice cream truck
by its song and its route
because space is curved
by desire. "space is curved by desire." love that line
 
We sit at the edge
of a tree line
within the faint arc of porch light
watching cold blacknight warped
into warm galactic flows. Very nice imagery
Though we each began as separate stars
our paths at last approached and circled
as they have since countless times I think it muddles it up too much to say your paths have "at last" approached, even if they have done so "countless times". Maybe you can streamline the idea a little
and yet they never wed.
 
I have known you
since you were lightning and I the air you parted,
since we were water and the wind drew us in,
since you were sunlight and I sealed in amber,
you were jasmine and I the fallen dew. This stanza might even be more interesting if you stick with the lightning and air line (which i love) and simply drop this last three. "the air you parted // we teased, we..."
We teased, we courted, we played unhurried.
We seeped among the leaves.
We rose to our adjacent clouds.
We lay in wait in the abyssal hills.  
We died and bloomed and crystallized
but were always released anew from the fire. I'm not sure why you decided to go passive on this line ("were released anew") while the others before were active, to great effect ("seeped, rose, lay, bloomed"). I would've liked it active too, but that's just a taste preference, not a big nit
 
I cannot watch you pass again this time
cannot release you back to the flow that washed us
finally here "again", "this time", and "finally" all combine to make this sound rather redundant
cannot stay silent, cannot stop shaking, cannot find words or thoughts for anyone but you and yet you make it clear
I cannot have you. "You" overload...
You have no memory of this passionate force
that binds me maybe it would work better if you pull up "close" to this line, so the phrasing works both ways ("that binds me close")
close but never reaching.
My petitions carry no such weight
in your center
trapped here by the burden The phrasing makes it sound like you are trapped in her center (and I don't think that's what you were going for)
of my own gravity.
 
Though worlds may pass
and new be built ten thousand times
before we get this chance again
each alive with voice and passion, The phrasing is a little awkward... which one's alive with voice and passion? The worlds?
still you and I will rise from here
and as I’ve always known
you’ll return to that perpetual path
 
out
away from my side. a slightly weak ending, the last line loses a bit of steam







I've never been satisfied with the fourth stanza of this and meant to rework it. Would like some input, but get the feeling that where it should be strongest it is the weakest.

[penguin]

I enjoyed the first 4 verses, after which I thought it meandered to a close.
Like others I'd question "strangely attracted". I'd either scrap it or give it a line on its own. Apart from that the 2nd verse is appealing.
I'd suggest

as they have countless times since
without ever wedding.

Is blacknight meant to be one word?

The very mention of "galactic" and my heads under a blanket but very nice otherwise.

Great line, this
I have known you
since you were lightning and I the air you parted.

4 similes is at least 2 too many, though.

After that 4th verse I gradually lost interest. All the I cannot this, I cannot that - I just thought, well don't then.

But mostly a very nice effort.

[tectak]

Attraction is
a provability"provability" is a chacteristic which cannot relate to a another characteristic by the use of a pronoun. You could just get away with "Attraction is a proven (or a given)" but even this is mangled english used to make a simple point of physics. Attraction has been proven.
the tether Now we are in forbidden territory here. It is a mine-field. The 3Gee's which must never be discussed in the presence of academics. God, Ghosts and GRAVITY. We shall see.
the strange force at a distance...and as a physics nerd like you, I know a cliche when I see one. This is one. It may be two if you start bringing in strange attractors
that holds all together Yes, of course. A principle. Clear but oft' stated. This begs the question "...and your point is?". You could make much more of this as you are in Allegory Alley right now.....but I fear the gobbledygook cometh
as it falls disparate What, what and what again?Disparate? Tangents? And what is this "it" that ties like string ( theory? Don't go there) then falls "at a tangent" (surely?) to the earth, moon and sun. I do not think so. Unless I missed out on something vital, gravity acts perpendicular the the surface of a homegenous sphere, and appears to center its attractive pull on the aptly named "Centre of Gravity". Tell me I am wrong.
and tangent
to the ground
to the moon
to the sun.
 
Strangely attracted children OK Enough of the physics already. This stanza has really got something. I am not sure that you can safely mix Chaos theory with what we may like to believe is reality but for the sake of poetic licence...yes....I like what you are doing here. Furthermore, for the one line alone, space is curved by desire, I hereby award you the "Tectak Medal for the Best Unprovable New Theory". Only you and I have this award. I got mine for " Vanilla Ice-cream is the galaxy's favourite" but I like your theory better.
hear and infer
the ice cream truck
by its song and its route
because space is curved
by desire. A good stanza. I would like you to make this rhyme but that just me with spare time
 
We sit at the edge
of a tree line
within the faint arc of porch light
watching cold blacknight warped
into warm galactic flows.
Though we each began as separate stars
our paths at last approached and circled
as they have since countless times
and yet they never wed. Started well in fantasy then lost itself in reality. The last line is particularly superflous as you were talking about we and our, then suddenly a potential bride and groom appeared from nowhere and THEY never wed. Who they?
 
I have known you
since you were lightning and I the air you parted,
since we were water and the wind drew us in,
since you were sunlight and I sealed in amber,
you were jasmine and I the fallen dew.
We teased, we courted, we played unhurried.
We seeped among the leaves.
We rose to our adjacent clouds.
We lay in wait in the abyssal hills.  
We died and bloomed and crystallized
but were always released anew from the fire. You have lost it by verbosity. Cut to the chase or make this two poems. I have no idea where you are going with this now. If I was a little unsure with the gravity thing, attractors, chaos, gluons, bosons, fermions ....oh..no...you didn't go that far......I am now totally confused by the metaphysical elephant in the room, wildly distributing cliches and generally dumping on everything you wrote previously. If you get this back to physics I will spot the quantum leap.
 
I cannot watch you pass again this time
cannot release you back to the flow that washed us
finally here
cannot stay silent, cannot stop shaking, cannot find words or thoughts for anyone but you and yet you make it clear
I cannot have you.
You have no memory of this passionate force
that binds me
close but never reaching.
My petitions carry no such weight
in your center
trapped here by the burden
of my own gravity. HERE, right HERE! We are back to good old solid, reliable, but misunderstood GRAVITY! But it doesn't work for me
 
Though worlds may pass
and new be built ten thousand times
before we get this chance again
each alive with voice and passion,
still you and I will rise from here
and as I’ve always known
you’ll return to that perpetual path Too late with the once-more-into-the-breach stuff. I can hear the ice-cream van and am off for a vanilla. Naw...I feel like a pistachio nut. That's another theory buggered, then.
 
out
away from my side.Oh. Are you still here?


Some good stuff, some bad. The difficulty is, I think.
....and so should you. Try to tie this together by re-establishing the core issues. This feels as if you wrote half of it with confidence on Monday, went away for a week hang-gliding...then wrote the second half. Something changed in you between the two writes. I suspect you had a fright with a thermal which made you circumspect...and it shows.
I meant it about that geat line "space is curved by desire". THAT IS EXCELLENT. I wish I was a plagiarist.
Best,
tectak



I've never been satisfied with the fourth stanza of this and meant to rework it. Would like some input, but get the feeling that where it should be strongest it is the weakest.

[Erthona]

braggman,

I think tectak covered most of the points I would have hit on. "space is curved by desire" is an excellent line as noted. I guess maybe it sucked all the energy out of your mind though as the next two stanzas are generally as bad as that line is good.

Unlike tectak I take "trapped here by the burden
of my own gravity."

to mean, trapped in your own seriousness. However, However, while puny, it is probably not a good place to use such as puns and serious moments don't really enhance each other.

I think except for a brief note to explain stanza five, stanzas three and four could be done away with.

I don't see much reason to keep stanza six as it is just more or less a recap. The meat of the thing, the idea that you have encounter each other as almost lovers in past lives, that you have this awareness, but she doesn't, and that your own timidity will keep you from pursuing her and that you are torn between desire and fear. That idea of star crossed lovers and the pathos of it is the point you wish to impart, as that is the emotional crux of the thing.

I think what you want to keep in mind this that cleverness does not necessarily a good poem make, and that cleverness, excessive wordplay, and multiple metaphor describing the same thing are generally to be avoided (I know this from much repeated experience as I much given to the temptation myself. Sometimes it is almost like surgery to take out something I perceive as particularly clever or witty I have written, but I have to admit that it weakens the poem, since the poem is not about have clever I am, but about a certain truth I am trying to impart )

Dale

[braggman]

Thank you all. I'm pleased that I put forward a piece that troubled me. The more there was wrong with it, the more I received comments to help with other works that I care more for that may fall into similar pits. As you most spotted this was two poems. One that sat unfinished for three years with a curved space line at the end. It was just a fragment until I picked it up earlier this year and tried to make it a spurned love poem.

Besides the difficulty with the execution, I think the concept was ill suited for a poem as it required explanation of the primary metaphor which was missing. The explanation would have been even more dull and heavy. The concept was two particles that came to have some near miss interactions as if they had a common destiny. Particles become energy, and back to matter, and so on. I tried to have multiple relations over time. I agree with penguin that 4 is too many, but they weren't intended as similes, they were intended as literal states of matter/energy that each had passed through. But that stanza wasn't working, as I knew when I was writing it, yet I had no ready solution.

Mainly the science puns and references both carried it along and killed the whole thing. Very good observation Dale that cleverness does not a poem make. Spot-on issue to point out to me on a first meeting. As if you knew me well. Point taken. I fail in that department more often than I'd care to admit. But I still love a clever line.

This poem will probably not see a rewrite as it has some conceptual flaws. If I did the first stanza would be gone. "Children infer" would start the second one. The fourth would be pared down. Then again I might just take the ice cream stanza and turn it into a tanka to stand on its own. Thanks for the comments. Exactly what I was looking for. I will put up a newer one next time, one that has fewer issues. I'm glad I chose this one to start as it had much excess that needed comment.

[billy]

it has enough good points to warrant an edit all be it a boisterous one with lots of snipping
i think i only ever junked one poem and i do admit that it was one i put up on these boards yours is no where near being past redemption as mine was.

[Aish]

Attraction is
a provability
the tether
the strange force at a distance
that holds all together
as it falls disparate
and tangent
to the ground
to the moon
to the sun. I would pare out and re-work this strophe into a stand alone piece. It has everything it needs to be a successfully bittersweet construct without losing momentum if you craft it properly.
 
Strangely attracted children
hear and infer
the ice cream truck
by its song and its route
because Get rid of this entire strophe to this point.
space is curved
by desire. This is beautiful, and makes a good opener for another piece.
 
We sit at the edge
of a tree line
within the faint arc of porch light
watching cold blacknight warped
into warm galactic flows. Your verb tenses change. I wouldn't use any of this set up. The next line fits better with your curved desire.
Though we each began as separate stars
our paths at last approached and circled
as they have since countless times
and yet they never wed.
 
I have known you
since you were lightning and I the air you parted,
since we were water and the wind drew us in,
since you were sunlight and I sealed in amber,
you were jasmine and I the fallen dew.
We teased, we courted, we played unhurried.
We seeped among the leaves.
We rose to our adjacent clouds.
We lay in wait in the abyssal hills.  
We died and bloomed and crystallized
but were always released anew from the fire.
 
I cannot watch you pass again this time
cannot release you back to the flow that washed us
finally here
cannot stay silent, cannot stop shaking, cannot find words or thoughts for anyone but you and yet you make it clear
I cannot have you.
You have no memory of this passionate force
that binds me
close but never reaching.
My petitions carry no such weight
in your center
trapped here by the burden
of my own gravity. I think if you excise the excessive verbage and transitions
  , this content all works.
Though worlds may pass
and new be built ten thousand times
before we get this chance again
each alive with voice and passion,
still you and I will rise from here
and as I’ve always known
you’ll return to that perpetual path
 
out
away from my side.





I've never been satisfied with the fourth stanza of this and meant to rework it. Would like some input, but get the feeling that where it should be strongest it is the weakest.

---

A more effective ending IMO would be
"Though worlds may pass
you and I will rise
and you will return
to the eliptical plane
away from my side.

Happy to see you here, Steve! Welcome!