inspiration

[Ruth]

and sometimes
when I would be doing other things,
I write words inside my head.

I write words for you as I inhale,
words for you as I exhale.

I write because of your warm hand, the way it felt on my shoulder
I write so I will not close my eyes, and lean back into that comfort
I write so I can leave without reassurances.

I write the words so they brush lightly across the page, touching sightly; I write til I can lean into their comfort.
till the rasping of my pen on this page calms me
till the blank space is filled with words
and within words, I can relax and breath.

you, as I inhale
you, as I exhale

and if
I write for long enough, I will not want to
lean back and rest against your body,
place my head by your neck, close my eyes and breathe.

instead
I lean into words, into the rasping of pen on paper, into the large letters curving across my page
here, in these words, I rest and close my eyes.

I inhale and
I exhale.

[Todd]

I like this piece Ruth. I realize this is serious critique, but I don't have a lot that I want to comment on. I like S3 very much. A few call outs:

"till the blank space is filled with words"

I would consider cutting "with words". While I like the repetition throughout the piece this feels unneeded.

"till the rasping of my pen on this page calms me"

I really love how you use sound with rasping here.

"instead
I lean into words, into the rasping of pen on paper, into the large letters curving across my page
here, in these words, I rest and close my eyes."

Here, however, I think the use of rasping loses its impact. I would consider cutting it and doing some slight rephrasing (you could potentially simply cut that phrase).

I thought the poem flowed nicely, and though I normally dislike writing about writing, I enjoyed what you did here. It's more about the relationship between the speaker and the unnamed person.

It's lines like these that elevate it:

"I write so I will not close my eyes, and lean back into that comfort
I write so I can leave without reassurances."

Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd

[Ruth]

I like this piece Ruth. I realize this is serious critique, but I don't have a lot that I want to comment on. I like S3 very much. A few call outs:

"till the blank space is filled with words"

I would consider cutting "with words". While I like the repetition throughout the piece this feels unneeded.

"till the rasping of my pen on this page calms me"

I really love how you use sound with rasping here.

"instead
I lean into words, into the rasping of pen on paper, into the large letters curving across my page
here, in these words, I rest and close my eyes."

Here, however, I think the use of rasping loses its impact. I would consider cutting it and doing some slight rephrasing (you could potentially simply cut that phrase).

I thought the poem flowed nicely, and though I normally dislike writing about writing, I enjoyed what you did here. It's more about the relationship between the speaker and the unnamed person.

It's lines like these that elevate it:

"I write so I will not close my eyes, and lean back into that comfort
I write so I can leave without reassurances."

Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd

thanks very much Todd, I actually didn't realize I'd repeated rasping - I must pay closer attention..
will try out your suggestions

thanks again,
ruth

[addy]

This is a seriously excellent write. Anything I say will just be minor nits. You've always had a sensitivity to your writing, but you seem to be in full force with this one. Great job.

and sometimes I love the open-ended intro. It works smartly with the piece
when I would be doing other things,
I write words inside my head.

I write words for you as I inhale,
words for you as I exhale.

I write because of your warm hand, the way it felt on my shoulder
I write so I will not close my eyes, and lean back into that comfort
I write so I can leave without reassurances. Very tight write so far

I write the words so they brush lightly across the page, touching sightly; I write til I can lean into their comfort.
till the rasping of my pen on this page calms me
till the blank space is filled with words
and within words, I can relax and breath. This line is a tad weak compared to the others...

you, as I inhale
you, as I exhale

and if
I write for long enough, I will not want to
lean back and rest against your body,
place my head by your neck, close my eyes and breathe.

instead
I lean into words,This is the fourth time leaning is specifically mentioned (it was brought up in S3, S4 and S6) and it is getting mildly repetitive. into the rasping of pen on paper, into the large letters curving across my page
here, in these words, I rest and close my eyes. I think this is a strong ending, and you don't need the final couplet. Just imho though, a matter of taste

I inhale and
I exhale.

[billy]

and sometimes
when I would be doing other things,
I write words inside my head. there's a place for people like you , nice opening stanza

I write words for you as I inhale,
words for you as I exhale.

I write because of your warm hand, the way it felt on my shoulder
I write so I will not close my eyes, and lean back into that comfort
I write so I can leave without reassurances.

I write the words so they brush lightly across the page, touching sightly; is 'the' needed? I write til I can lean into their comfort.
till the rasping of my pen on this page calms me
till the blank space is filled with words
and within words, I can relax and breath.

you, as I inhale
you, as I exhale

and if
I write for long enough, I will not want to
lean back and rest against your body,
place my head by your neck, close my eyes and breathe.

instead
I lean into words, into the rasping of pen on paper, into the large letters curving across my page
here, in these words, I rest and close my eyes.

I inhale and
I exhale. do the last two lines add anything?

i wondered about the 'leans' but felt that as most of the poem is repetitive it doesn't matter too much, i do think the last two lines take something away from the poem, in that they feel just over the top of what is otherwise i solid, sound piece of writing.

thanks for the read.

[Ruth]

thanks all!! I really appreciate the your comments. I'm going to sit with it for a bit and figure out what I want to do with it.

[tectak]

and sometimes
when I would be doing other things,
I write words inside my head.

I write words for you as I inhale,
words for you as I exhale.

I write because of your warm hand, the way it felt on my shoulder
I write so I will not close my eyes, and lean back into that comfort
I write so I can leave without reassurances.

I write the words so they brush lightly across the page, touching sightly; I write til I can lean into their comfort.
till the rasping of my pen on this page calms me
till the blank space is filled with words
and within words, I can relax and breath.

you, as I inhale
you, as I exhale

and if
I write for long enough, I will not want to
lean back and rest against your body,
place my head by your neck, close my eyes and breathe.

instead
I lean into words, into the rasping of pen on paper, into the large letters curving across my page
here, in these words, I rest and close my eyes.

I inhale and
I exhale.

There is a lot to like in this piece, Ruth. Quite apart from the factuality of the expressed thoughts there is a melodic word use which harmonises nicely with an almost descant refrain. I'm unapologetic over this hyperbole. The whole piece sings rather than speaks. It is an exercise in diaphragm breathing.
A few points. The repeat of rasping is easily fixed but "rasping" rasps in a soft piece
like this. It may be the mot juste for describing a thought but then I would say the thought is a little too perpendicular.
On another increasingly common issue the pseudo enjambments created by nonsensically breaking up lines after a few syllables
like
this, is
not a functionally useful technique. Please tell me what you believe is the purpose
of breaking
lines up
in this way.
Apart from my personal crusading crits.....nice job. Oh, touching sLightly, methinks.
Best
tectak

[poetsorrow]

if this is serious critique im not sugarcoating anything here I only got better when people gave me constructive criticism and im going to do the same for this poem

you seem to have the passion and heart to write love poetry
if you can brush up on not using the same words over and over
with some revision and a good thesaurus this poem can be a stand out peace

[heslopian]

There seems to be an undercurrent of reality versus expectations going on in this poem which I enjoyed. The penultimate verse is my favourite; the narrator has spent so long perfecting her fantasy on paper that the real flesh-and-bone man doesn't compare. What could have been a self-indulgent piece becomes a surprisingly subtle poem. One grammatical thing: L1 of verse four should end with a comma, not a full stop. Thanks for the read