Memories of Ben

[Indie]

First edit, Billy, Todd, Addy

He’s ten years old
Pokemon hyper-focused
Quoting statistics I can’t comprehend
All I can remember is Pikachu
While he’s all over it
Glued to the television set
Eyes alight with childlike joy
Consumed by an obsession
I just nod and agree with
Because I got lost somewhere in the upgrades

And it’s red cars, specifically convertibles
Counting every one we pass
His hands pressed against
The car window in delight
?Which is better than the ? <---it must be a warning that you're going to ask a question somewhere else
Constant, “Are we there yet?”
When he’s bored and un-stimulated
We can’t forget it’s all about Ben

And I’ve never seen someone devour
The matrix of a puzzle with such mastery
500 pieces in under an hour
Laid out in perfection
On the living room floor
And I’m in awe
While he’s chattering away
In the never ending stream of ideas
That burst forth from his consciousness

Tears and screams of frustration
They’re interrupted his flow syntax problem?
And he can’t understand why
Someone has to be watching
Something that isn’t Dragon Ball Z
In his time slot, his routine
The very flow he gets mad at
When the programs don’t match the TV guide
Which he pours over like it’s his religion

And it saddens me that no one has the time
Or the energy to sit and listen to the talk
About anime and Angelina Jolie movies
When he never slows down
To take a breath
?It’s all “Shut up Ben…” another ?
When he just wants to share his fascinations
And have someone be as excited as he is
So I sit with him, drained would have made a good start to a new stanza
Being pretentious about Pokemon

At times I wonder how I have the patience
When his blood just drop him off i actually understand this line now, i'm a putz
In front of the television screen
Like it will solve the issue of Ben and his autism
Blowing a fuse when he fights
For the rights to the comforts he knows
Their love buried in frustration While they’re all pushing him around
And he’s biting back with anger
That a smack around the head won’t fix

I watch disgusted, fights that could be avoided
And when the calm's rolled over the house
I take a tired breath and get him talking Yu-Gi-Oh
He’s got the cards out and I’m oh’ing and ah’ing
Admiring the artwork, which I have to admit
Is pretty damn cool
And it’s not hard to be interested when
It’s something we have in common
He likes it for the game, and I like it for the magic
If I could keep up with his thought process
I might have learnt something useful

Nine years later and I can still picture his face
Remember the chatter and the holes in the walls
The wonderful way he’d get so excited
By the simplicity of life
That I couldn’t help but smile
At the dead bugs in a jar he kept as pets
Talking to them with so much love in his eyes
And I’ll never forget the time I managed to stump
His wonderful puzzle know-how
When I bought him a holographic 3D puzzle
For his eleventh birthday

Time changes everything though I have to laugh
That some things never change
While he’s all grown up now
Over 6ft tall and slightly terrifying
His mind still chasing after red convertibles
And drooling over Angelina Jolie
With a wicked memory for stats
That I wouldn’t want to contend with
Now he’s completing 1000 piece puzzles
In under an hour

---

for some reason the two ?'s don't show in the post MMMM
a short edit that addresses a couple of things. i think the thing the edit didn't address as good as it could was the personal stuff. (i know it has to be extremely hard to ) what i would love, is for it to be as personal for me as it is for you. only you as the writer can allow me that privilege; but you have to be brave and do some paring down.

thanks for the edit

Thank you so much Billy, the added and irrelevant ? were me typing out loud in the edit, which I sadly forgot to remove before posting. I will go away and have another look and edit, remembering to remove my ? thoughts. Thanks again, much appreciated.

[Todd]

Hi Indie,

This time through I was experimenting with more of your line breaks. I'll call a couple to your attention though these are just optional of course:

L4: You could choose to a break before Pikachu to give the sense of remembering. If you place it on its own line you could put an exclamation point after it to show ben's excitement.

In S2 L5: Does breaking on "the" really do anything for you. Articles are pretty weak breaks. You may want to pull constant up a line.

Just a few things to think about.

Best,

Todd

First edit, Billy, Todd, Addy

He’s ten years old
Pokemon hyper-focused
Quoting statistics I can’t comprehend
All I can remember is Pikachu
While he’s all over it
Glued to the television set
Eyes alight with childlike joy
Consumed by an obsession
I just nod and agree with
Because I got lost somewhere in the upgrades

And it’s red cars, specifically convertibles
Counting every one we pass
His hands pressed against
The car window in delight
?Which is better than the
Constant, “Are we there yet?”
When he’s bored and un-stimulated
We can’t forget it’s all about Ben

And I’ve never seen someone devour
The matrix of a puzzle with such mastery
500 pieces in under an hour
Laid out in perfection
On the living room floor
And I’m in awe
While he’s chattering away
In the never ending stream of ideas
That burst forth from his consciousness

Tears and screams of frustration
They’re interrupted his flow
And he can’t understand why
Someone has to be watching
Something that isn’t Dragon Ball Z
In his time slot, his routine
The very flow he gets mad at
When the programs don’t match the TV guide
Which he pours over like it’s his religion

And it saddens me that no one has the time
Or the energy to sit and listen to the talk
About anime and Angelina Jolie movies
When he never slows down
To take a breath
?It’s all “Shut up Ben…”
When he just wants to share his fascinations
And have someone be as excited as he is
So I sit with him, drained
Being pretentious about Pokemon

At times I wonder how I have the patience
When his blood just drop him off
In front of the television screen
Like it will solve the issue of Ben and his autism
Blowing a fuse when he fights
For the rights to the comforts he knows
Their love buried in frustration While they’re all pushing him around
And he’s biting back with anger
That a smack around the head won’t fix

I watch disgusted, fights that could be avoided
And when the calm's rolled over the house
I take a tired breath and get him talking Yu-Gi-Oh
He’s got the cards out and I’m oh’ing and ah’ing
Admiring the artwork, which I have to admit
Is pretty damn cool
And it’s not hard to be interested when
It’s something we have in common
He likes it for the game, and I like it for the magic
If I could keep up with his thought process
I might have learnt something useful

Nine years later and I can still picture his face
Remember the chatter and the holes in the walls
The wonderful way he’d get so excited
By the simplicity of life
That I couldn’t help but smile
At the dead bugs in a jar he kept as pets
Talking to them with so much love in his eyes
And I’ll never forget the time I managed to stump
His wonderful puzzle know-how
When I bought him a holographic 3D puzzle
For his eleventh birthday

Time changes everything though I have to laugh
That some things never change
While he’s all grown up now
Over 6ft tall and slightly terrifying
His mind still chasing after red convertibles
And drooling over Angelina Jolie
With a wicked memory for stats
That I wouldn’t want to contend with
Now he’s completing 1000 piece puzzles
In under an hour

---

Original:

Memories of Ben

He’s ten years old
Pokomon hyper-focused
Quoting statistics I can’t comprehend
All I can remember is Pikachu
While he’s all over it
Glued to the television set
Eyes alight with childlike joy
Consumed by an obsession
I just have to nod and agree with
Cause I got lost somewhere in the upgrades

And it’s red cars, specifically convertibles
Counting every one we pass
That have his hands pressed against
The car window in delight
Which is better than the
Constant, “Are we there yet?”
When he’s bored and un-stimulated
Can’t forget it’s all about Ben

I’ve never seen someone devour
The matrix of a puzzle with such mastery
500 pieces in under an hour
Laid out in perfection
On the living room floor
And I’m in awe
While he’s chattering away
In the never ending stream of ideas
That burst forth from his consciousness

Tears and screams of frustration
When they’re interrupted his flow
And he can’t understand why
Someone has to be watching
Something that isn’t Dragon Ball Z
In his time slot, his routine
The very flow he gets mad at
When the TV people change the program
And don’t tell him in the guide
Which he pours over like it’s his religion

And it saddens me that no one has the time
Or the energy to sit and listen to the talk
2About anime and Angelina Jolie movies
When he never slows down
To take a breath
It’s all “Shut up Ben…”
When he just wants to share his fascinations
And have someone be as excited as he is
So I sit with him, though I’m drained
And being pretentious about Pokemon

At times I’m wondering how I have the patience
When his blood just drop him off
In front of the television screen
Like it will solve the issue of Ben
While blowing a fuse when he fights
For the rights to the comforts he knows
And I’m sure they love him
But they’re all pushing him around
And he’s biting back with anger
That a smack around the head won’t fix

I watch disgusted, fights that could be avoided
And when the calm's rolled over the house
I take a tired breath and get him talking Yu-Gi-Oh
He’s got the cards out and I’m oh’ing and ah’ing
Admiring the artwork, which I have to admit
Is pretty damn cool
And it’s not hard to be interested when
It’s one of the few shows we have in common
He likes it for the game, and I like it for the magic
If I could keep up with his thought process
I might have learnt something useful

Nine years later and I can still picture his face
Remember the chatter and the holes in the walls
The wonderful way he’d get so excited
By the simplicity of life, that I couldn’t help but smile
At the dead bugs in a jar he kept as pets
Talking to them with so much love in his eyes
And I’ll never forget the time I managed to stump
His wonderful puzzle know-how
When I bought him a holographic 3D puzzle
For his eleventh birthday

Time changes everything though I have to laugh
That some things never change
While he’s all grown up now
Over 6ft tall and slightly terrifying
His mind still chasing after red convertibles
And drooling over Angelina Jolie
With a wicked memory for stats
That I wouldn’t want to contend with
While he’s completing 1000 piece puzzles
In under an hour

© Indie Adams 2012

[Indie]

Thank you Billy and Todd, second edit up

[billy]

it reads much better, i still stall at the 'his blood drops off' line but that's not a biggie. in general it feels tighter, it still has that personal feel but more so for the reader. i think it's at that stage now where only you can say if it needs any more edits.

[Indie]

it reads much better, i still stall at the 'his blood drops off' line but that's not a biggie. in general it feels tighter, it still has that personal feel but more so for the reader. i think it's at that stage now where only you can say if it needs any more edits.

I still feel like it needs another edit, maybe more, though I'm glad I've managed to get it to this stage, and that I was able to edit stuff out without agonising too much over it. Thanks for your help.

[billy]

then go for it, let it sleep for a couple of months and when you look at it again you'll see more stuff that you think you could do to it.

[Todd]

Indie, what I was thinking was something like this:

He’s ten years old
Pokemon hyper-focused
Quoting statistics I can’t comprehend
All I can remember is
Pikachu!
While he’s all over it
Glued to the television set
Eyes alight with childlike joy
Consumed by an obsession
I just nod and agree with
Lost somewhere in the upgrades

I'm normally not a proponent of one word lines but if anything can carry a line it's something exotic like Pikachu.

Again though just a thought, and to Billy's point, after a while revisions begin to bleed together no matter what you choose to do coming back to the poem after a few months will likely give you a better perspective.

Best,

Todd

[addy]

That's a pretty good edit Indie . Agree with billy and todd, if you let it breathe and come back to it, it'll give you more fresh perspective on how to further tackle it

[Indie]

That's a pretty good edit Indie . Agree with billy and todd, if you let it breathe and come back to it, it'll give you more fresh perspective on how to further tackle it

thanks.