(04-30-2012, 10:34 AM)Indie Wrote:  He’s ten years old
Pokomon hyper-focused
Quoting statistics I can’t comprehend
All I can remember is Pikachu
While he’s all over it
Glued to the television set
Eyes alight with childlike joy
Consumed by an obsession
I just have to nod and agree with
Cause I got lost somewhere in the upgrades

And it’s red cars, specifically convertibles
Counting every one we pass
That have his hands pressed against
The car window in delight
Which is better than the
Constant, “Are we there yet?”
When he’s bored and un-stimulated
Can’t forget it’s all about Ben

I’ve never seen someone devour
The matrix of a puzzle with such mastery
500 pieces in under an hour
Laid out in perfection
On the living room floor
And I’m in awe
While he’s chattering away
In the never ending stream of ideas
That burst forth from his consciousness

Tears and screams of frustration
When they’re interrupted his flow
And he can’t understand why
Someone has to be watching
Something that isn’t Dragon Ball Z
In his time slot, his routine
The very flow he gets mad at
When the TV people change the program
And don’t tell him in the guide
Which he pours over like it’s his religion

And it saddens me that no one has the time
Or the energy to sit and listen to the talk
2About anime and Angelina Jolie movies
When he never slows down
To take a breath
It’s all “Shut up Ben…”
When he just wants to share his fascinations
And have someone be as excited as he is
So I sit with him, though I’m drained
And being pretentious about Pokemon

At times I’m wondering how I have the patience
When his blood just drop him off
In front of the television screen
Like it will solve the issue of Ben
While blowing a fuse when he fights
For the rights to the comforts he knows
And I’m sure they love him
But they’re all pushing him around
And he’s biting back with anger
That a smack around the head won’t fix

I watch disgusted, fights that could be avoided
And when the calm's rolled over the house
I take a tired breath and get him talking Yu-Gi-Oh
He’s got the cards out and I’m oh’ing and ah’ing
Admiring the artwork, which I have to admit
Is pretty damn cool
And it’s not hard to be interested when
It’s one of the few shows we have in common
He likes it for the game, and I like it for the magic
If I could keep up with his thought process
I might have learnt something useful

Nine years later and I can still picture his face
Remember the chatter and the holes in the walls
The wonderful way he’d get so excited
By the simplicity of life, that I couldn’t help but smile
At the dead bugs in a jar he kept as pets
Talking to them with so much love in his eyes
And I’ll never forget the time I managed to stump
His wonderful puzzle know-how
When I bought him a holographic 3D puzzle
For his eleventh birthday

Time changes everything though I have to laugh
That some things never change
While he’s all grown up now
Over 6ft tall and slightly terrifying
His mind still chasing after red convertibles
And drooling over Angelina Jolie
With a wicked memory for stats
That I wouldn’t want to contend with
While he’s completing 1000 piece puzzles
In under an hour

© Indie Adams 2012

(04-30-2012, 04:33 PM)Indie Wrote:  Thanks addy. I did have a note which I took out, explaining that Ben is autistic.

(04-30-2012, 04:48 PM)tectak Wrote:  Hello indie. I'm glad you posted this but would ask that you excuse my initial comments if they are blatantly wrong.
This is the kind of poetry, I am talking subject matter here, that you-a proud mum-would send to grandma in England after you emigrated to New Zealand. Nothing wrong with that UNLESS that is ALL you write.
Criticism is difficult in work like this because poetic endeavour is totally swamped by the single emotional and overbearing pride expresses by the writer. The personification of the subject by giving a name ,Ben,makes the piece almost unreadable because it feels that I would be invading private thoughts........so......point 1 (at last ), it needs depersonalising for general consumption.
Point 2. You will find I have now mounted my hobby horse. Look, and I will get a slamming for this, anyone can see that this whole piece could be rewritten into a letter-back-home without bothering to make it "look" like poetry. There is no rhythm, meter or rhyme scheme. Just breaking up text into random lines and capitalising the first letter does nothing to create poetry.
Point 3. Because yiu have a dedicated subject, one that you are expert in, could I gently suggest a rewrite with a conversion to rhyming verse. It would be a great disciplinary exercise.
Best,
Tectak

(04-30-2012, 05:19 PM)Indie Wrote:  

(04-30-2012, 04:48 PM)tectak Wrote:  Hello indie. I'm glad you posted this but would ask that you excuse my initial comments if they are blatantly wrong.
This is the kind of poetry, I am talking subject matter here, that you-a proud mum-would send to grandma in England after you emigrated to New Zealand. Nothing wrong with that UNLESS that is ALL you write.
Criticism is difficult in work like this because poetic endeavour is totally swamped by the single emotional and overbearing pride expressed by the writer. The personification of the subject by giving a name,Ben, makes the piece almost unreadable because it feels that I would be invading private thoughts........so......point 1 (at last ), it needs depersonalising for general consumption.
Point 2. You will find I have now mounted my hobby horse. Look, and I will get a slamming for this, anyone can see that this whole piece could be rewritten into a letter-back-home without bothering to make it "look" like poetry. There is no rhythm, meter or rhyme scheme. Just breaking up text into random lines and capitalising the first letter does nothing to create poetry.
Point 3. Because you have a dedicated subject, one that you are expert in, could I gently suggest a rewrite with a conversion to rhyming verse. It would be a great disciplinary exercise.
Best,
Tectak

Thanks for your thoughts Tectak. I don't know where the mum to be comment came from, there is nothing maternal in this poem, at least not from my standpoint, it's an observational piece on someone I happened to live with at one point in my life.

This piece is contemporary, non-rhyming scheme, and does have it's own flow, while I agree with everyone so far, it needs editing, I have no desire to create a rhyming scheme with this particular poem.

I write both contemporary and rhyming poetry, and this one lent itself to the former.

It would have been almost impossible for me to write this poem without naming my subject, and also giving the reader a person whose life they could peek into, making it more personal, but also more uncomfortable, yes. Discomfort isn't a bad reaction.

(04-30-2012, 06:29 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(04-30-2012, 05:19 PM)Indie Wrote:  

That's fine indie...but I don't know where mum-to-be came from, either. I certainly did not mention it. Happy to accept the third party skin but then would still have problems with the concept of critique if you wish to retain everything as is. I shall watch your work with interest.
Best,
tectak

(04-30-2012, 08:39 PM)Mark Wrote:  Hi Indie,

I enjoyed reading your work, but sadly I don't have much in the way of critique. I did notice that Pokemon was misspelled, though.

As far as the content I really found it to be warming and nicely worded. I did think a few non-essential words could be cut to clean up the piece.

Thanks for sharing.

(04-30-2012, 11:39 PM)Todd Wrote:  Hi Indie,

As this is mild I won't go into a line-by-line critique. Here are some thoughts I had about your piece:

I really like how you close this in the last two strophes. I would however like to see you tighten it up a bit. You fall into a good narrative tone but while you have some lines in here that would be fine in a story they somewhat dilute the power of a poem (imo).

I'd consider using your line breaks a little differently (it may not work but it may be worth trying). I think you could use them to show a distinction between Ben and the narrator's observations. In L2 for instance you have a clipped sort of fast line. When you get to the red convertables for instance the line is slower. While admittingly this is all being processed through the narrrator you want to hear Ben's obsessive tone come through which to me would lend itself to the shorter lines if that makes sense (sort of the narrator remembering his cadence).

There are also some lines that strike me as a little too stating the facts rather than letting them come across in the action itself "Consumed by an obsession" for instance. I think your cuts could come from those areas.

Mostly, though I think you have a good hook with the puzzle and the idea of this person being the same on the inside even after the years. Maybe think of a metaphor to help express ben's unchanging nature rather than just telling us, or talk about the narrrator's life changes briefly as a contrast. I feel I'm rambling a bit...so let me just leave you with this:

It's poignant. It's a little too enslaved to its own narrative. If it were tighter it would hit the reader harder. All in all though I do like it.

I hope some of that ramble will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

(05-01-2012, 10:11 AM)billy Wrote:  that's why we're here

will look at the edit when i get back from a hair cut.

(04-30-2012, 10:34 AM)Indie Wrote:  First edit, Billy, Todd, Addy

He’s ten years old
Pokemon hyper-focused
Quoting statistics I can’t comprehend
All I can remember is Pikachu
While he’s all over it
Glued to the television set
Eyes alight with childlike joy
Consumed by an obsession
I just nod and agree with
Because I got lost somewhere in the upgrades

And it’s red cars, specifically convertibles
Counting every one we pass
His hands pressed against
The car window in delight
?Which is better than the ? <---it must be a warning that you're going to ask a question somewhere else
Constant, “Are we there yet?”
When he’s bored and un-stimulated
We can’t forget it’s all about Ben

And I’ve never seen someone devour
The matrix of a puzzle with such mastery
500 pieces in under an hour
Laid out in perfection
On the living room floor
And I’m in awe
While he’s chattering away
In the never ending stream of ideas
That burst forth from his consciousness

Tears and screams of frustration
They’re interrupted his flow syntax problem?
And he can’t understand why
Someone has to be watching
Something that isn’t Dragon Ball Z
In his time slot, his routine
The very flow he gets mad at
When the programs don’t match the TV guide
Which he pours over like it’s his religion

And it saddens me that no one has the time
Or the energy to sit and listen to the talk
About anime and Angelina Jolie movies
When he never slows down
To take a breath
?It’s all “Shut up Ben…” another ?
When he just wants to share his fascinations
And have someone be as excited as he is
So I sit with him, drained would have made a good start to a new stanza
Being pretentious about Pokemon

At times I wonder how I have the patience
When his blood just drop him off i actually understand this line now, i'm a putz
In front of the television screen
Like it will solve the issue of Ben and his autism
Blowing a fuse when he fights
For the rights to the comforts he knows
Their love buried in frustration While they’re all pushing him around
And he’s biting back with anger
That a smack around the head won’t fix

I watch disgusted, fights that could be avoided
And when the calm's rolled over the house
I take a tired breath and get him talking Yu-Gi-Oh
He’s got the cards out and I’m oh’ing and ah’ing
Admiring the artwork, which I have to admit
Is pretty damn cool
And it’s not hard to be interested when
It’s something we have in common
He likes it for the game, and I like it for the magic
If I could keep up with his thought process
I might have learnt something useful

Nine years later and I can still picture his face
Remember the chatter and the holes in the walls
The wonderful way he’d get so excited
By the simplicity of life
That I couldn’t help but smile
At the dead bugs in a jar he kept as pets
Talking to them with so much love in his eyes
And I’ll never forget the time I managed to stump
His wonderful puzzle know-how
When I bought him a holographic 3D puzzle
For his eleventh birthday

Time changes everything though I have to laugh
That some things never change
While he’s all grown up now
Over 6ft tall and slightly terrifying
His mind still chasing after red convertibles
And drooling over Angelina Jolie
With a wicked memory for stats
That I wouldn’t want to contend with
Now he’s completing 1000 piece puzzles
In under an hour

---

for some reason the two ?'s don't show in the post MMMM
a short edit that addresses a couple of things. i think the thing the edit didn't address as good as it could was the personal stuff. (i know it has to be extremely hard to ) what i would love, is for it to be as personal for me as it is for you. only you as the writer can allow me that privilege; but you have to be brave and do some paring down.

thanks for the edit

Quote:Original:

Memories of Ben

He’s ten years old
Pokomon hyper-focused
Quoting statistics I can’t comprehend
All I can remember is Pikachu
While he’s all over it
Glued to the television set
Eyes alight with childlike joy
Consumed by an obsession
I just have to nod and agree with
Cause I got lost somewhere in the upgrades

And it’s red cars, specifically convertibles
Counting every one we pass
That have his hands pressed against
The car window in delight
Which is better than the
Constant, “Are we there yet?”
When he’s bored and un-stimulated
Can’t forget it’s all about Ben

I’ve never seen someone devour
The matrix of a puzzle with such mastery
500 pieces in under an hour
Laid out in perfection
On the living room floor
And I’m in awe
While he’s chattering away
In the never ending stream of ideas
That burst forth from his consciousness

Tears and screams of frustration
When they’re interrupted his flow
And he can’t understand why
Someone has to be watching
Something that isn’t Dragon Ball Z
In his time slot, his routine
The very flow he gets mad at
When the TV people change the program
And don’t tell him in the guide
Which he pours over like it’s his religion

And it saddens me that no one has the time
Or the energy to sit and listen to the talk
2About anime and Angelina Jolie movies
When he never slows down
To take a breath
It’s all “Shut up Ben…”
When he just wants to share his fascinations
And have someone be as excited as he is
So I sit with him, though I’m drained
And being pretentious about Pokemon

At times I’m wondering how I have the patience
When his blood just drop him off
In front of the television screen
Like it will solve the issue of Ben
While blowing a fuse when he fights
For the rights to the comforts he knows
And I’m sure they love him
But they’re all pushing him around
And he’s biting back with anger
That a smack around the head won’t fix

I watch disgusted, fights that could be avoided
And when the calm's rolled over the house
I take a tired breath and get him talking Yu-Gi-Oh
He’s got the cards out and I’m oh’ing and ah’ing
Admiring the artwork, which I have to admit
Is pretty damn cool
And it’s not hard to be interested when
It’s one of the few shows we have in common
He likes it for the game, and I like it for the magic
If I could keep up with his thought process
I might have learnt something useful

Nine years later and I can still picture his face
Remember the chatter and the holes in the walls
The wonderful way he’d get so excited
By the simplicity of life, that I couldn’t help but smile
At the dead bugs in a jar he kept as pets
Talking to them with so much love in his eyes
And I’ll never forget the time I managed to stump
His wonderful puzzle know-how
When I bought him a holographic 3D puzzle
For his eleventh birthday

Time changes everything though I have to laugh
That some things never change
While he’s all grown up now
Over 6ft tall and slightly terrifying
His mind still chasing after red convertibles
And drooling over Angelina Jolie
With a wicked memory for stats
That I wouldn’t want to contend with
While he’s completing 1000 piece puzzles
In under an hour

© Indie Adams 2012