the trouble with sunday

[jmnical]

purity:
for the White-robed/well-dressed masses
lashes sealed, aligned and earnest
readers; accepters
teachers and preachers—Children
book-smells open, unsticking pages
again&again sung melodies and
crumbs spilling, wine
staining permanent, little-girl dresses & little-boy jackets
big-people’s key-jingles clean-shaven fresh-pressed
a Knower advises:
take this body for your empty; for your lost-belly
on your knees, hands clasped—plead

dark-times come and
clearing sad throats saying i’m sorry and here is my hand,
offering the maybes of better-places
while cavernous jaws threaten swallowing, but there’s promises
—still i’m sorry

radiance of fragmented hues through panes, and
pains of new and old things and now-things
trembling, tiptoes of welling up, of
wet-baby heads,
wailing, in strangers’ arms
promises

streaming, streaming rosepetals from baskets
having holding and iloveyous, forevers, always-es
and
stillness of kisses

clean:
not for the sacrilegious
the ones who utter those Names
alpha omega allah yahweh
g-d
except they say the o, they
say it like it’s theirs; g-(keep the-o)-d, first-letter-is-capital
with widening eyes, gaping red lips,
hastening of tongue,
an appendage of arbitrary statement, subjection of listeners to
blasphemy in the form of a three-letter-noun, one little first-letter-is-Capital
heresy

in vain:
a plea for; a cry washing over
on worn knees, for holy
(isn’t the holy the savior, the save-your, save-me?)
pleas—fill up holes in love-empty bellies
alpha omega allah yahweh,
will they not forgive
will they not forgive a curse (curses)
born of desperation?
of misguided yearning for iloveyous and always-es?
to be pure?

[billy]

I'll give some feedback on it when my pc isorted, using my tab tho reply is murder @

[addy]

Right, so in this your imagery is all to do with the rituals that happen within a church, in a snippets and stream-of consciousness sort of way. A lot of potent lines here, but I do wonder if it would benefit from more structure rather than being too freestyle? Especially since it seems to be in "parts": (purity, clean, in vain)-- right now, though it is lovely and there are many fantastic snippets in there, it's jumbled in a way that doesn't allow the poem to build up to anything. That's just my perspective though. Thanks very much for the read.

[billy]

the 1st verse reads like a list and i'm not sure this adds anything to what's trying to be said. even as a train of thought, the 1st verse sets me off on a major stumble. there are some good images in there though they're hard to imagine.
the 2nd stanza comes across a lot better though like the rest of the piece it feels too loose. it feels like i'm doing all the work in the reading of it and not getting the benefit from it which the author did.

i don't think it would take much to make the train of thought sections less bumpy.

the clean and in vain stanza both read better. though again i think they need to be encompassed in any edit to allow them to flow better.

thanks for the read.

[Philatone]

hey jmn

the lines are here. at the same time, the sheer quantity of them seems to do the poem a disservice when written. spoken, I could see the piece having more of an impact. written, it strikes me as a kind of list.

[tectak]

purity:
for the White-robed/well-dressed masses
lashes sealed, aligned and earnest
readers; accepters
teachers and preachers—Children
book-smells open, unsticking pages
again&again sung melodies and
crumbs spilling, wine
staining permanent, little-girl dresses & little-boy jackets
big-people’s key-jingles clean-shaven fresh-pressed
a Knower advises:
take this body for your empty; for your lost-belly
on your knees, hands clasped—plead

dark-times come and
clearing sad throats saying i’m sorry and here is my hand,
offering the maybes of better-places
while cavernous jaws threaten swallowing, but there’s promises
—still i’m sorry

radiance of fragmented hues through panes, and
pains of new and old things and now-things
trembling, tiptoes of welling up, of
wet-baby heads,
wailing, in strangers’ arms
promises

streaming, streaming rosepetals from baskets
having holding and iloveyous, forevers, always-es
and
stillness of kisses

clean:
not for the sacrilegious
the ones who utter those Names
alpha omega allah yahweh
g-d
except they say the o, they
say it like it’s theirs; g-(keep the-o)-d, first-letter-is-capital
with widening eyes, gaping red lips,
hastening of tongue,
an appendage of arbitrary statement, subjection of listeners to
blasphemy in the form of a three-letter-noun, one little first-letter-is-Capital
heresy

in vain:
a plea for; a cry washing over
on worn knees, for holy
(isn’t the holy the savior, the save-your, save-me?)
pleas—fill up holes in love-empty bellies
alpha omega allah yahweh,
will they not forgive
will they not forgive a curse (curses)
born of desperation?
of misguided yearning for iloveyous and always-es?
to be pure?

Putting in too much of anything is too much.
Just enough is just right. There are hidden gems in this bag but you have contracted verbal dysentry........it is curable.
I think you need to cut out all the carbohydrates, it is just stodge. Chew everything ten times before swallowing and after a while you will be purged. I cannot be bothered to go through the ingredients of this great big feast you have served up and for that failing I apologise.......but if you could just decide on whether this is a starter, main course or desert it would be much more digestible. Yes. That is the problem. You have been over-generous.
Please excuse the use of an overall crit of this work. I know that line by line assistance/advice/suggestion is preferred but it would be a churlish task which would only discourage. Do try a deconstruction with a view to expediency and economy. These are austere times
By the way, I find myself empathising with this effort. Sometimes when putting together a piece my mind goes option-hopping for words,riffs and expressive phrases. I used to think it would be a great idea to write these free-thinking processes into a piece, so I did......it got slammed.
Best,
Tectak

[Indie]

purity:
for the White-robed/well-dressed masses
lashes sealed, aligned and earnest
readers; accepters
teachers and preachers—Children
book-smells open, unsticking pages
again&again sung melodies and (is again & again really necessary? could be rephrased to give it greater strength of meaning)
crumbs spilling, wine
staining permanent, little-girl dresses & little-boy jackets (little-girl dresses & little-boy jackets. To much information in that line, condensing it to a general overview would enhance the flow, it stumbles there, as is)
big-people’s key-jingles clean-shaven fresh-pressed
a Knower advises:
take this body for your empty; for your lost-belly
on your knees, hands clasped—plead

dark-times come and ("and" is unneeded)
clearing sad throats saying i’m sorry and here is my hand, (again, "and" isn't needed - sad throats clearing, saying sorry, here is my hand)
offering the maybes of better-places ("the" isn't needed)
while cavernous jaws threaten swallowing, but there’s promises
—still i’m sorry (Don't understand this line and the one above)

radiance of fragmented hues through panes, and (love this line, though IMO through glass panes or window panes would flow better)
pains of new and old things and now-things (use of "and" again - pains of new things, old things, now-things)
trembling, tiptoes of welling up, of
wet-baby heads,
wailing, in strangers’ arms
promises

streaming, streaming rosepetals from baskets (repetition of streaming isn't needed. Does nothing for the imagery of flow)
having holding and iloveyous, forevers, always-es (i-love-you's)
and
stillness of kisses

clean:
not for the sacrilegious
the ones who utter those Names
alpha omega allah yahweh
g-d
except they say the o, they
say it like it’s theirs; g-(keep the-o)-d, first-letter-is-capital
with widening eyes, gaping red lips,
hastening of tongue,
an appendage of arbitrary statement, subjection of listeners to
blasphemy in the form of a three-letter-noun, one little first-letter-is-Capital ("one little first-letter-is-Capital" is repetition of what has already been expressed in above lines. Not needed)
heresy

in vain:
a plea for; a cry washing over
on worn knees, for holy
(isn’t the holy the savior, the save-your, save-me?)
pleas—fill up holes in love-empty bellies
alpha omega allah yahweh,
will they not forgive
will they not forgive a curse (curses)
born of desperation?
of misguided yearning for iloveyous and always-es?
to be pure? (IMO I feel like this whole verse is redundant, as it is further repetition of what has been said throughout the whole poem, and adds nothing that hasn't already been said)

Apologies if I've gone overboard on this crit. I know it says mild, but I can see so much potential here. Like the others have said, this does read like a list. It was at first hard to read, and yet there are some wonderfully executed lines and images here. With some tightening up, this has the potential to be a really good poem.

Indie

[Erthona]

Ditto on the list, repetition, however the problem for me is this remains so vague and at points seemingly self contradictory that all it conveyed was a type of disdain for things religious, or for the gullible who clutch at religion. Although it seems to never convey why the speaker has this disdain, or that it arises out of anything more than an aloof haughtiness.

Example:

"born of desperation?
of misguided yearning for iloveyous and always-es?
to be pure?"

Are these three sentences? Each line ends with a question mark as though they were, but the last two are not complete sentences. It just seems like so much sound and fury, but in the end...?

Dale