A Hidden Secret

[Passionate Poet]

Past the old house I wander carefully
Through the woods and toward my destination
This path I take is like a memory
Etched in my mind for all eternity
The song birds sing to keep me company
Their melodies carried by winter wind
The snow around me dances in the sun light
Glittering like diamonds in its warm rays
I walk along side the ice covered stream
Frozen in time until the season spring
My journey continues in the deep woods
Hours tick away as I roam inside
Ever so closer my objective comes
My excitement grows stronger down within
An aroma of great strength filled my nose
Its fragrance so sweet I am held captive
A scent that is most unforgettable
I have held it dear since our first meeting
My eyes soon lock onto the view in front
The purpose of my trip is now revealed  
An old pine tree now towers over me
It size and strength covers the whole clearing
I stand before it in shock and in awe
I am mesmerized by its grand presents
This tree I have seen many times before
Yet, I always forget its great beauty
Its snow laden branches stretch out for miles
Seeming to have no end or beginning
This tree is a secret only I shall know
For I could not bare to see destruction
Destruction of its beauty and its wonder
Would only bring tragedy upon my heart  
Always must this covert remain silent
Not a soul can ever know of its grandeur

[billy]

Hi pp (passionate poet) great to see your first poem.
a couple of pointers for you to think about.;

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back to front lines can feel poetical but all too often don't really work that well unless it's a period piece

I wander carefully past the old house. really does work a lot better under most circumstances.

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sometimes less is best, cut out what you can and leave what you can't.
ie;
This path I take, like a memory
Etched in my mind for eternity

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i notice you have a lot of caps yet no periods? always best for a budding poet to use grammar, the rules can always be jettisoned once we know how to use them.

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as for the poem. the content has a solid core to work with should you wish to do an edit. i'm sure others will try and help by mentioning a few more ideas for you to utilise should you so wish. lot's of potential.
thanks for the read.
billy

[Passionate Poet]

Thank you so much for the feedback

[srijantje]

thanks for the read,PP

[addy]

Welcome to the forums PP!

I would also suggest using punctuation; in general, it makes it easier for the reader to read and follow your narrative comfortably by delineating which ideas/ lines run together and at what points. All in all it just makes for an easier reading experience

I think you can trim this down quite a bit. I suggest playing around some more with the pacing of events; right now everything reads as a rather slow plodding place (it doesn't seem to peak or ebb anywhere), but you could switch that up in the parts where you are trying to express intrigue and tension in order to give the narrative some dynamic. For instance, in line 13 and 14 is a sort of "reveal" about the pine tree, but until that point I hadn't felt any tension about this hidden secret. Maybe if you quickened the pace of the narration or made the narrative observations more anxious right before the reveal it would add that extra dash of drama. Just as an example:

"Hours tick away as I roam inside..."
VS.
"Hours gone by the time i make it..."

Not that the second line is prettier than the first, but there is a stronger sense of excitement/ urgency, and therefore becomes more dramatically engaging (given that you narrate actions/ events throughout majority of the poem). These are just mild comments though, to give you some idea of how to polish and tighten up the poem. As was said before, its got pretty good foundations

[Wildcard]

Hi Passionate Poet,

Its always good to see a fresh face and some new ideas come into the forum. As I read your poem I couldn't help but think that the title was redundant. All secrets are hidden. Maybe you could find something more unique to this little voyage you've taken me on with you

Like some of the others I wished for a little punctuation at times- I don't mean to 'pile on'.

Thanks for sharing

[Todd]

Hi PP,

Welcome to the forum! It's nice to read your work. I guess the main comment I have is that I want you to trust your lines more without feeling the need to build on them. What I mean is it's easy to feel locked into a narrative: This happened, and then this happened, and so on. You have more freedom in a poem and I think you can trust your lines and your readers more by condensing some of the good ideas you have into more powerful compact segments.

For example:

You could easily start the poem on L3. Which is a great opener. The setting will quickly become apparent. You have to ask yourself is the old house, or even the woods that important. It's mostly setting and exposition which you could even move to the title if you wanted to: (i.e., "Past the old house through the woods") Not saying you should or shouldn't do that just that you can.

Later in the poem you could condense the songbird lines into something like: The song birds's melodies carry on the winter wind

Again just trying to provide examples not really suggest the rewrite itself.

I'd look for opportunities like that though, and I'd also consider shifting the poem to the present tense.

I hope some of these comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd