A Fallen Nation

[Passionate Poet]

We're living in a world that’s lost its soul.
All the way down to its very core, it’s heartless and ice cold.
Our desperate pleas that cry out in despair.
Will be a wasted breath, because they cannot repair.
All these cracks that each generation has left behind.
Their mindless behavior could not be confined.
We can hope for peace.
We can fight for reformation.
Yet, all we get in return is a useless, fallen nation.
Even if we owned the whole world, never would we be truly satisfied.
Our hearts only desire more and more.
We are all consumed by the emptiness that fills us on the inside.
Oh what have we become, but a generation of heartlessness?
Oh what will we do, to restore this terrible mess?
Our hearts are made of stone.
Our souls are ice cold.
No longer can we see the path that will lead us all to the fold.

[billy]

We're living in a world that’s lost its soul.
All the way down to its very core, it’s heartless and ice cold.
Our desperate pleas that cry out in despair.
Will be a wasted breath, because they cannot repair.
All these cracks that each generation has left behind.
Their mindless behavior could not be confined.
We can hope for peace.
We can fight for reformation.
Yet, all we get in return is a useless, fallen nation.
Even if we owned the whole world, never would we be truly satisfied.
Our hearts only desire more and more.
We are all consumed by the emptiness that fills us on the inside.
Oh what have we become, but a generation of heartlessness?
Oh what will we do, to restore this terrible mess?
Our hearts are made of stone.
Our souls are ice cold.
No longer can we see the path that will lead us all to the fold.

hi again

two points that may or may not be of use holly;
end rhymes: If you use a rhyme scheme, try to stick to it all the way through the poem. the order doesn't matter as much as the continuity.
unnecessary words, you have a some repetition and a lot of stuff that can be cut away;

We're living in a world that’s lost its soul.
down to its core, heartless and ice cold.

be really strict and miserly with the words you use, once you get the hang of it; then start be adventurous with excess. there's no right or wrong amount of words to use per say but till we get the hang of it we're always best to cut, cut, cut.

the subject matter is a common one, but it still has a way to go before it becomes old hat, the story can still be original and powerful.
the politician is mightier than the sword

thanks for the read

billy

[addy]

Agree that you can still strive for brevity in this. Not that you should make your poem sparse (not at all!) .... but you can remove some filler bits of words that not only would not be missed, but would streamline your poem and make it sound more effective and sure. Here are just a few examples:

All the way down to its very core, it’s heartless and ice cold. You probably don't need "heartless" since ice-cold leaves enough for the reader to understand your meaning. Anyway, your subsequent lines already expound on the idea

Our desperate pleas that cry out in despair. Just a note, "desperate pleas" don't really cry out, so there's no more need to explain it as such

Our hearts only desire more and more. I think, just my opinion, that saying "more" once is sufficient. It lets the tension linger

Little things like that. Be confident! Don't over-rely on adjective overload, and give the imagery room to speak for itself. Thanks very much for the share

[Leanne]

Hello there Passionate Poet, I'd like to just show you a quick impression of how I think all the suggestions billy and addy have mentioned might come together:

We're living in a world that’s lost its soul
Right down to its core, it’s heartless and cold.
Though millions of people cry out in despair,
It's just wasted breath; they cannot repair
The cracks each generation has left behind;
Their mindless behavior could not be confined.
We can hope for peace,
We can fight for reformation --
In return we get a useless, fallen nation.
If we owned the whole world, we'd never be satisfied --
Our hearts only desire more and more,
Consumed by the emptiness that fills us from the inside,
Oh what have we become, a nation of heartless?
Oh what will we do, to restore this mess?
Our hearts are made of stone,
Our souls are ice cold,
No longer can we see the path that will lead us to the fold.

Also, beware of cliches like stone hearts and ice cold -- search for more interesting ways to say these things. But at the end of the day, you have the bones of a good poem here, with emotion that will come out more if you trim away some of that excess.

Thank you for posting

[billy]

please come back