Initiation

[heslopian]

"I'm the best parent", said God,
"I don't spank or call kids names.
I won't smash your self esteem
so as to reinforce my own."

He poured Himself another drink,
His cummerbund came loose,
outside the study door
talk flittered like distant birds.

"All the beauties of the earth
and everything which waits beyond,
apple trees devoid of root,
love making devoid of end,
could be wrapped like toys
and given you on your deathday.

And what can mortals offer you?
A childhood of slamming doors,
penny pinching, sacrifice,
disapproval at whatever you do
(which some use Me to justify).

Hand over your care to Me,
repent when repentance is due,
and all the suffering you feel
will one day be repaid with life."

The boy picked the flower poked through his lapel
by his mother that evening.
He remembered being told to shush
by his father in the car.
The teacher who with kindly hand
patronised his penmanship.

And signed over his soul to God.

[Leanne]

Sounds like God's been taking marketing lessons from D.Evil Inc.

I think there's a solid poem here, Jack, but it's being hidden a little by the prosey delivery. I'd like to see this either rendered into rhyme or taken out of the stanza form entirely with some variations in the line lengths. The second stanza is the best, in my opinion, and the third not far behind, but I think the first (aside from the very first line) is too didactic and the last few could be more subtle, less preachy, in keeping with the somewhat lecherous image you've drawn in the second stanza.

The last line -- the idea is good, but there's got to be a more subtle way of saying it.

Sorry I missed this when you first posted it.

[abu nuwas]

It can't be too bad, as I shall take away and keep, and throw casually into my sparkling conversation, the thought of God in a cummerbund. I used to have some very fancy ones, which, I thought, went well with my smoking-jacket....and I was a little distracted by the prospect of the Almighty perusing the pages of 'Amateur Spanker'. If only some way could be found whereby I would not take away anything but what you had intended...........................................

[billy]

i won't give a line by line. i liked it. it made me smile.
if i had a not i'd have left it ambiguous at the end and left out god but i think that's just me.
the prose part of the poem doesn't bother me overly though i think some assonance, consonance, etc (poetic devices) wouldn't have gone amiss.

i think the devils prose could be made clear it's his.

the cummerbund coming loose was a great line i thought, and the 2nd stanza the best jmo.

should it be their self esteem, or is he talking about the devil's esteem?

as i sadi, i really like it but i think it needs a minor edit.

[Erthona]

I have no idea what this is suppose to be, but it does remind me of the temptation of Christ in the Wilderness. There are too many lines that are not clear enough to show why they are there.

Such as

"The boy picked the flower poked through his lapel
by his mother that evening."

Does this mean he has died? It's an interesting line, but I don't see the significance, or how it relates to what precedes or follows. I get the offer I suppose, but I have no idea what the situation is. For me he poem does not have the impact it could because too much is left out. It's like, "Well, this is an interesting thesis, but there is nothing that allows me to connect to the poem in anyway, that would cause me to care."

Dale

[Philatone]

hey!
what I thought as I read

"I'm the best parent", said God,
"I don't spank or call kids names.
I won't smash your self esteem
so as to reinforce my own." ...think the "so as" could be trimmed if desired

He poured Himself another drink,
His cummerbund came loose,
outside the study door
talk flittered like distant birds.

"All the beauties of the earth
and everything which waits beyond,
apple trees devoid of root,
love making devoid of end,
could be wrapped like toys
and given you on your deathday. ...I found there to be a tone switch of sorts between how he talks in the first stanza and this one. here, it seems more grandiose and eloquent than his first words

And what can mortals offer you?
A childhood of slamming doors,
penny pinching, sacrifice,
disapproval at whatever you do
(which some use Me to justify). ...agree with the sentiments you have here...

Hand over your care to Me,
repent when repentance is due,
and all the suffering you feel
will one day be repaid with life."...as with here, though, for a poem, it did strike me as a bit direct

The boy picked the flower poked through his lapel ...stumbled a bit on this line the first time i read; thought "poked" was a verb initially
by his mother that evening.
He remembered being told to shush
by his father in the car....could be a semicolon instead of a period to draw the connection more I think/make the last two lines a complete sentence
The teacher who with kindly hand
patronised his penmanship....a bit verbose. what does "kindly hand" mean? a comment left on the page? could you describe that more?

And signed over his soul to God. ....rather strongly worded; i think more subtlety could work wonders for the close