Love Tat

[Erthona]

Thinking that he was the one
—although now a long time gone—
you had “Tommy Ray” splayed,
close over the entrance to the “Y”.

A green metallic blob gone painfully wrong
on the inside of the thigh.

“It could be a dragon?”

Then for kicks, at the waist, in back,
—you wonder why you had him scrawl—
“Big Mac Attack”
…with an arrow pointing down?

Hurt less at the time—but more now
from the lack of clear thought—
because you’d blown a hundred beforehand,
so that you, and your three closest friends
could get extremely high!
All you could do later was shake your head,
and silently ask yourself,
“why, god damn it, why?”
…while at the end of stiff arms you squeezed
your hands into tiny balls of regret.

You’re a Big Girl ain’t cha?
Never let ‘em see you cry,
never let ‘em know that you could die,
from self-inflicted embarrassment,
at this overt display of your best,
better judgement.
They laugh at you and point,
holding their sides and starting to cry.
You pretend to try and smile,
while remembering how you
stupidly waved goodbye
to the last bit of your innocence:
thinking yourself so very clever!

Love is fleeting; tattoos are forever!


©2012 ~Erthona


Note: This one is very raw. Give it a good raking over the coals.
Thankee kindly!

Dale

[Wildcard]

Hi Dale,
Nice take on bad ideas in general with a mention of the 'tramp stamp'. I'll give it a shot:

Thinking that he was the one,
—although now a long time gone—
you had “Tommy Ray” splayed, --nice internal rhyme
close over the entrance to the “Y”. --Haven't heard it called that in a while. Brought a smile.

A green metallic blob gone painfully wrong
on the inside of the thigh.

“It could be a dragon?” --maybe bring this up into the previous stanza OR just work it into the last stanza. Something like:

on the inside of the thigh-
it could be a dragon, I guess.

--just a thought

Then for kicks, at the waist, in back, --do you need a comma [i]and the em dash?
—you wonder why you had him scrawl—
“Big Mac Attack” --Why 'Big Mac' if his name was Ray? Or is it two different guys' names on her?
…with an arrow pointing down?

Hurt less at the time—but more now --favorite line. Seems to get a little more serious for the nonce
from the lack of clear thought—
because you’d blown a hundred beforehand,
so that you, and your three closest friends
could get extremely high!
All you could do later was shake your head,
and silently ask yourself,
“why, god damn it, why?”
…while at the end of stiff arms you squeezed
your hands into tiny balls of regret. --another great line imo. 'Tiny balls of regret' couldn't be better

v-- I see what you're doing with the 'dialogue-ish' verse here, but I'm not sure it's working because I don't get a feel of who is asking the questions . . .
You’re a Big Girl ain’t cha?
Never let ‘em see you cry,
never let ‘em know that you could die,
from self-inflicted embarrassment,
at this overt display of your best,
better judgement.
They laugh at you and point,
holding their sides and starting to cry.
You pretend to try and smile,
while remembering how you --last four lines of this stanza are amazingly poignant. I feel empathy even in this tongue-in-cheek criticism
stupidly waved goodbye
to the last bit of your innocence:
thinking yourself so very clever!

Love is fleeting; tattoos are forever! --I think you could do without this line. The one before it makes a better closer. Without this line you have: cheeky -> funny -> more serious -> serious. I think that's a good progression. It may be your intent to have a punchline, but I think it's better without it.

Just my thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

[billy]

member the talk bout universal truths. i think how we think of tats is pretty universal. as kids they're great and as we get older maybe not so much. i have word suck and an arrow pointing to my cock i'm rather proud of. somehow it doesn't look right on a 56 year old's knee.
will five some constructive feedback tomorrow when the kids are out.

[Erthona]

Hey Mark, thanks for the comments. I corrected the comma/em dash problem. That was a typo, thanks for catching it.

Yeah, on the two guys names. The "Big Mac Attack". She asks herself afterwards why she did that, because this all happens at the same time. She gets all this tattoo in one sitting. I think I could add the line, after like

—you wonder why you had him scrawl—
“Big Mac Attack”
…with an arrow pointing down,
cause Tommy hadn't yet left town?

And that would make it a little more clear.

---------------------------------------------------
I did this next one several ways. Here is one you may like better.

A green metallic blob gone painfully wrong
on the inside of the thigh, “Well...it could be a dragon?
Couldn't it ?"
-------------------------------------------------------
v-- I see what you're doing with the 'dialogue-ish' verse here, but I'm not sure it's working because I don't get a feel of who is asking the questions ----------------------------------------------------------
It's both the narrator, and the voice inside her head. I realize it suffer from clarity, but I don't really know how to make it clear who is talking. I would be fine with either. I just don't want to have to say,

the voice inside her head says.....

Although it may come to that. It just feels very awkward to to that. Another way to go about it is to italicize it, which usually indicates the same thing. I can also change the grammatical person so it stays in narrator mode like:

"You’re a Big Girl ain’t cha?
Never let ‘em see you cry,
never let ‘em know that you could die,
from self-inflicted embarrassment,
at this overt display of your best,
better judgement.

They laugh at her and point,
holding their sides and starting to cry.
She pretends to try and smile,
while remembering how she
stupidly waved goodbye
to the last bit of her innocence:
thinking herself so very clever!"


Part of the problem is dealing with the tense, because there are three time periods being dealt with. There is the present time, from where this is being told which is some time after the event, and after "Tommy" is not longer in the scene, which generally falls under the all knowing narrator.

There is the event itself, which is in the past, and or the immediate past.

Then there is the morning after, where she is getting laughed at and starting to realize what she has done, which is in the past, but uses past perfect for the dialogue.

The question I am struggling with is which tense/person mode to use in each, which I suspect is part of the problem with the clarity.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

As this is basically a fable, it of course has to have a moral at the end which is what

"Love is fleeting; tattoos are forever!"

is.

What you say about that is most likely true, I am just resistant to giving up that line at the moment. I had thought of using it for a title, but it kind of gives away the ending, and I also like the pun with "Love Tat/ Love Tap.

Structurally, I think it makes the poem end strong, as it ends on that hard rhyme. Aesthetically I think it probably weakens the poem, and takes away from the poignancy (to steal your word) of her realization, and the idea that once innocence is gone there is no calling it back.
The ironic part about it is, this part

"You pretend to try and smile,
while remembering how you
stupidly waved goodbye
to the last bit of your innocence:
thinking yourself so very clever!"

Was written to create a rhyme with that last line. Until I decided I wanted a rhyme for it. Originally these were the last two lines, before the punch line.

"at this overt display of your best,
better judgement."

I sense you are correct about this, but I'll let others weigh in on it if they will before I make a decision.

Thanks for the critique. Feel free to respond further.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the read Billy, I look forward to any comments you would like to share about the poem, or about what Mark and I have discussed.

Thanks,

Dale

[Wildcard]

Just a quick thought, how about a new title: 'The Tramp's Stamp'??? Just throwing it out there.

[Erthona]

My inclination would be no, because this is from her perspective, and though tramp she may be, though by no means is that clear, she does not perceive herself as that. After all, she does a have a boyfriend with whom she is stupidly in love with, and is more than likely quite monogamous with. Young, stupid, and copying bad ideas of other people (angelina jolie got "Billy Bob" tattooed above the entrance to the "Y" also.) is no indication she is a tramp. There are plenty of young girls who get themselves pierced, tattooed, and dress as though they were the biggest sluts in the world, and just think they are being cool. It is more a sign of what is endemic in that sub culture, than a commentary on their sexual habits.

Thanks for thinking on it.

Dale

[billy]

Thinking that he was the one feels a little weak as an opening line
—although now a long time gone—
you had “Tommy Ray” splayed,
close over the entrance to the “Y”.
for me the 1st feels a little weak as an opening line
just a suggestion but would the open verse work better in this order;
L3
L4
L2
L1
i just thing "you had tommy ray splayed" is a great line and has lots of strength

A green metallic blob gone painfully wrong
on the inside of the thigh.

“It could be a dragon?”

Then for kicks, at the waist, in back, for me this line feels a bit redundant, you could put then at the beginning of the next line and it would read the same
—you wonder why you had him scrawl—
“Big Mac Attack” i like the idea of this it works on a couple of levels.
…with an arrow pointing down?

Hurt less at the time—but more now good insite
from the lack of clear thought—
because you’d blown a hundred beforehand,
so that you, and your three closest friends
could get extremely high!
All you could do later was shake your head,
and silently ask yourself, is yourself needed?
“why, god damn it, why?”
…while at the end of stiff arms you squeezed
your hands into tiny balls of regret. great two lines. the image the emotion is large

You’re a Big Girl ain’t cha?
Never let ‘em see you cry,
never let ‘em know that you could die,
from self-inflicted embarrassment,
at this overt display of your best, this and the nest line feel parent harsh, i like it
better judgement.
They laugh at you and point,
holding their sides and starting to cry.
You pretend to try and smile,
while remembering how you
stupidly waved goodbye
to the last bit of your innocence:
thinking yourself so very clever!

Love is fleeting; tattoos are forever!


©2012 ~Erthona


Note: This one is very raw. Give it a good raking over the coals.
Thankee kindly!

Dale

i get the impression specially from the last verse that it's a parent daughter thing but it's good enough that it could also be self flagellation i think many with tats will relate to this if they're older. i have some i wish i hadn't done. though it may be worse for women. (i'm not sure how their minds work) from my POV tats on oldies look worse on wrinkly women oldies hehe.

the above are just a few suggestions for you to look at.
i enjoyed the poem and found it to be solid.

i don't think girls with tats look like sluts, if so they'd all be sluts and that ain't so. i think often it's peer drink and drugs. and worse of all...love. the attempt to hold something forever by indelibly inscribing their name on your skin

thanks for the read dale.

doing this was so hard cos i have screaming kids and loud music throbbing inside my head

[Erthona]

Thanks Billy,

"Then for kicks, at the waist, in back, for me this line feels a bit redundant, you could put then at the beginning of the next line and it would read the same
—you wonder why you had him scrawl—
“Big Mac Attack” i like the idea of this it works on a couple of levels.
…with an arrow pointing down?"

I'm not sure what you mean, could you write it like that so I can get an idea. I actually thought of putting at the end like

"—you wonder why you had him scrawl—
“Big Mac Attack”
right above your ass."


"Then for kicks, at the waist, in back" seemed clumsy, but I wanted that phrase "Then for kicks" to flesh out her mood at the time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, it is suppose to be self flagellation, the dialogue is suppose to be internal. It's kind of the idea of , there are bad ideas, and then there are bad ideas on drugs, and this one falls into the second category. I think usually getting three bad tattoos only happens if you're messed up. A girl might get a butterfly on the ankle, or a fairy on the shoulder, but she probably wouldn't do all of this if she wasn't wasted. So this is kind of about immediately recognizing when you really screw up, like running your brand new car up a flag pole because you were playing quarters in the bar.

Thanks for the input. I have to write out the line change order and see how it reads.

Dale

[billy]

—Then you wonder why you had him scrawl—
“Big Mac Attack”
…with an arrow pointing down?

or just

you wonder why you had him scrawl—
“Big Mac Attack”
…with an arrow pointing down?

i do like

"—you wonder why you had him scrawl—
“Big Mac Attack”
right above your ass."

at the end of the day it's what works for you

i agree about the messed up part. too eager to be owned or own someone. too stupid to think things through.

[Erthona]

Billy

for me the 1st feels a little weak as an opening line
just a suggestion but would the open verse work better in this order;
L3
L4
L2
L1
i just thing "you had tommy ray splayed" is a great line and has lots of strength

It would have to be 3412, but it would need some tinkering. It also brings up it's own problems, although I do like "you had “Tommy Ray” splayed," as a first line. I think I will have to pay with that for a while at some future point.

Dale

[billy]

Billy

for me the 1st feels a little weak as an opening line
just a suggestion but would the open verse work better in this order;
L3
L4
L2
L1
i just thing "you had tommy ray splayed" is a great line and has lots of strength

It would have to be 3412, but it would need some tinkering. It also brings up it's own problems, although I do like "you had “Tommy Ray” splayed," as a first line. I think I will have to pay with that for a while at some future point.

Dale

some things are worthy of a higher price.
the tommy ray line is pretty much one of the best openers i could have read in a long while (had it been an opener)

i see what you mean about 3412 but it works like that or like 3421 for me.

to be honest most of any edit apart from the tommy ray line would be the difference between 4 sugars in your coffee or 5 it would take a really sweet tooth to notice the sweeter one.

[Erthona]

I'll work on it. Maybe in a month or so, I'll stick it back up. Thanks for the input.

Dale

[tectak]

Thinking that he was the one
—although now a long time gone—
you had “Tommy Ray” splayed,
close over the entrance to the “Y”.

A green metallic blob gone painfully wrong
on the inside of the thigh.

“It could be a dragon?”

Then for kicks, at the waist, in back,
—you wonder why you had him scrawl—
“Big Mac Attack”
…with an arrow pointing down?

Hurt less at the time—but more now
from the lack of clear thought—
because you’d blown a hundred beforehand,
so that you, and your three closest friends
could get extremely high!
All you could do later was shake your head,
and silently ask yourself,
“why, god damn it, why?”
…while at the end of stiff arms you squeezed
your hands into tiny balls of regret.

You’re a Big Girl ain’t cha?
Never let ‘em see you cry,
never let ‘em know that you could die,
from self-inflicted embarrassment,
at this overt display of your best,
better judgement.
They laugh at you and point,
holding their sides and starting to cry.
You pretend to try and smile,
while remembering how you
stupidly waved goodbye
to the last bit of your innocence:
thinking yourself so very clever!

Love is fleeting; tattoos are forever!


©2012 ~Erthona


Note: This one is very raw. Give it a good raking over the coals.
Thankee kindly!

Dale

---

Hmm.
Subject matter first. Strains of parental conflict but if not why not? I actually saw a warning in a the window of tattoo parlor which read:
Remember this when in to here you come
What I do for you cannot be undone.
Dragons mate with eagles on you breast?
I that is what you want then be my guest.
You pay me once for what is my endeavor
The money goes....the tattoo lasts forever.
The very young daughter of a friend of mine had her nipples pierced without parental knowledge. They went ape-shit when she told them........then she found she was pregnant. The night she chose to tell her parents we were all there. You could ear the nipple pins drop.

Next.Well. it sounds kinda personal so the normal rules of engagement don't apply. In a structured sense it all hangs on one tack. Disapproval of a foolishly and repeatedly naive personna. Perversely, I feel that another verse would be very acceptable where the subject attempts to justify her stupidity. It could be great fun to write BUT not easy because of the over apparent disapproval unbalancing the tennet of the piece.
Finally, there is, as you will be aware, a prick which snags in this kind of effort. To some, your expressed thoughts will hook the reader....because of empathy. To others, the prick will tear and irritate. There is, I venture, no right or wrong........
Tectak
Pew. Made it. Just gotta learn how to post now.

[Erthona]

Hey TT,

Thanks for the comments, I was out of pocket for a few days. Actually rather than disapproval, I would file this under innocence lost

Dale

PS glad to see you posting! Hope to see some of your poems soon.