Converse

[Philatone]

V. 3

S. 1 added the last line
S. 3 removed "any" and "or"
S. 8 L. 2 added "rest of"

Converse

I hope you remember
the first words
we gave away
like pawns on a board,

cast from our comfortable shores
with tiny sails blown by
our lips

sent to find a home
in each other's recesses,
empty cabinets,
drawers.

I hope you remember
because I don't;

drawn to their sound
I set them free every night,
like buds to a petal

and like buds to a petal,
eventually, there is nothing
to let go.

The search ended without a whimper.
Every shelf was cleared. Anything
that could be moved
was moved

and all I could do
was put the rest of the words,
fights, silences,
back in their boxes
like a set of bones
without a skull.

______________________________________
V. 2
S. 6 removed "just"
S. 8 removed "nothing", changed L1


Converse

I hope you remember
the first words
we gave away,

cast from our comfortable shores
with tiny sails blown by
our lips

sent to find a home
in each other's recesses,
any empty cabinets
or drawers.

I hope you remember
because I don't;

drawn to their sound
I set them free every night,
like buds to a petal

and like buds to a petal,
eventually, there is nothing
to let go.

The search ended without a whimper.
Every shelf was cleared. Anything
that could be moved
was moved

and all I could do
was put the other words,
fights, silences,
back in their boxes
like a set of bones
without a skull.


______________________________
Original

Converse

I hope you remember
the first words
we gave away,

cast from our comfortable shores
with tiny sails blown by
our lips

sent to find a home
in each other's recesses,
any empty cabinets
or drawers.

I hope you remember
because I don't;

drawn to their sound
I set them free every night,
like buds to a petal

and like buds to a petal,
eventually, there is just nothing
to let go.

The search ended without a whimper.
Every shelf was cleared. Anything
that could be moved
was moved

until there was nothing left to do
but put all the other words,
fights, silences,
back in their boxes
like a set of bones
without a skull.

[addy]

I love the tenderness you approached this piece with. It was great to read over again and again. I have just a few suggestions that you might consider helpful should you edit

I hope you remember
the first words
we gave away, It's a solid set-up to what comes after, but I can't help but feel this is the weakest stanza. It didn't grab me that much by itself

cast from our comfortable shores
with tiny sails blown by
our lips Such a lovely image

sent to find a home
in each other's recesses,
any empty cabinets
or drawers.

I hope you remember
because I don't;

drawn to their sound
I set them free every night,
like buds to a petal OK, this is a really lovely image!

and like buds to a petal,
eventually, there is just nothing You can get rid of "just", imo.
to let go.

The search ended without a whimper.
Every shelf was cleared. Anything
that could be moved
was moved

until there was nothing left to do I don't think "nothing" should be used so close to "anything" (a few lines above); The combination makes the lines read as obvious/ bland, when by rights they shouldn't be
but put all the other words, Is "other" needed?
fights, silences,
back in their boxes
like a set of bones
without a skull. A very nice ending. As a minor, minor nitpick, how about "without a head", to make it softer? Or even "missing its head". It's wonderful as is, though.

[Philatone]

addy-

thanks, as always, for the wonderful suggestions; I agree with most of what you said. really helps; I was stuck myself on what to edit, and I think you've revealed a number of areas I failed to notice at the time

[Wildcard]

Hi Geoff,
Before I start let me say that I really like what you've done here (and I am insanely jealous :p) My take is based on my personal experiences and may be way off. I have a few memories that I've purposely forgotten and although they were poignant at the time, they've now been willfully repressed. Anyway, here goes nothing:

Converse

I hope you remember --In all honesty I didn't think this was a strong opening until I'd read the entire poem. In tangent with L11-12, though it is very powerful- almost like a slap in the face.
the first words
we gave away,

cast from our comfortable shores
with tiny sails blown by
our lips --such a suggestive image. Indicative of the passion that once was?

sent to find a home
in each other's recesses,
any empty cabinets --don't quite get 'any' in this context. It seems a little random to me. What about:

in each others recesses:
empty cabinets?
or drawers.

I hope you remember --made the hair stand up on my arm because this is the point that I really got a good feel for the piece. Still have chills
because I don't;

drawn to their sound
I set them free every night,
like buds to a petal --maybe 'from' instead of 'to'?

and like buds to a petal,
eventually, there is nothing
to let go.

The search ended without a whimper.
Every shelf was cleared. Anything
that could be moved
was moved --maybe 'gone' instead of 'moved'?

and all I could do
was put the words,
fights, silences, --nicely done. Such a simple line but imo very powerful as it places 'fights' and 'silences' on an equal plane- as they should be imo
back in their boxes
like a set of bones
without a skull.

Nice close too. Makes the memories impotence clear with the 'without a skull' line. Id I'm missing it entirely I'm sorry, PM me and I'll delete this

Thanks for sharing, Geoff.

[Philatone]

hey mark
thanks for the critique! i'm glad you were able to carry elements of yourself to your reading of it.

I added an image to the first stanza that I hope is appropriate and gives some meat to the stanza...
also altered the bit on the cabinets. I understand what you're saying on the "to" and "from" bit; I feel as though if I switched prepositions, I'd also have to switch the order of 'petals' and 'buds', and for this piece, I like the feel of the current order.
really appreciate your ideas and your time

[addy]

Great edit. I like the additional image in the first stanza, as it immediately establishes a context of tension, and sides. Lovely work

[Erthona]

I like this. The only suggestion I have is

"Anything
that could be moved
was moved"

to

"Anything
that could be moved,
had been...

Dale

[abu nuwas]

As you have now introduced pawns, I am immediately drawn to some chess-allusion/funny-haha. Presumably, Queens Gambit Declined? In any event, giving away your pawns in a nonchalant fashion is a recipe for disaster. I recall a description of Alekhine's Defence, as being to lure the opponent's pawns forward, but with the cautionary note, that unless played carefully, there was every chance the pawns would carry on and swamp you. Not really relevant, unless you draw from it, as I did, a sense of 'peur de vie'.

I, like Mark, or Ava as he was known for a while, had a problem with your buds and petals. I cannot think of a way in which this makes sense, since buds precede flowers, and flowers produce petals. Yet the line seemed so good; so on the one hand, as always, I should like it to make sense to me, on behalf of Everyman, but on the other--it's just nice. As you may have noted, I am a crap critic.

[popeye]

Hi phil, thanks for sharing that, the poem felt good to read, it was short enough to hold my interest ( my middle name is add ) but long enough to tell me what you were thinking, the quality of loss did it for me, very poignant stuff, have to leave the tech. crit to those who know how, cheers