Excavation Point

[Wildcard]

Revision #2:

Biting into terra firma
with galvanized teeth,
tasting frozen roots and tubers

in this place-
the last memory that makes sense.

A song breezes through,
but I stamp it out quickly
before it's melody reaches me.

This unceremonious dumping seems wrong,
but it is a notion best avoided.

Dried emotions and brittle bones
litter a fresh cavity
where the scent of rot pervades.

Soon lichen and time will cover the scar-
an attempt to misremember this place:
the only place we have left.

Revision #1:

Biting into terra firma
with galvanized teeth.
tasting frozen roots and tubers

in this place-
the last memory
that makes sense.

unceremonious dumping seems wrong-
a notion best to avoid.

dried emotions and brittle bones
litter a fresh cavity
and an old scent
pervades

soon lichen will hide the scar
an attempt to misremember
the only place
that she could've gone

Original:

biting into the terra firma,
tasting the frozen roots and tubers
with galvanized teeth
this place
is the last place
no other memory makes sense anymore

dumping my favorite in a hole
seems so wrong
in this place
the first place
to avoid

in a few years it will all be over
requisition a new best
and try to misremember this place
the only place
that she could go

[grannyjill]

The opening verse has a lovely rhythm to it, and I love the alliterative 't' in the first three lines but I wonder if you need another word instead of 'roots' or another word for 'tubers' 'cos I reckon they are the same thing! You could say 'earth' and 'tubers' to keep the same rhythm (altho' you do lose one of your 't's')

....I see what you are doing with 'place' but I'm not sure you can get away with so much repetition.

I have absolutely no idea what you are burying, it could be a girl-friend or an old cadillac but I don't care!

Edit - your title implies 'digging something up' not 'burying something' - so, I may be totally wrong in my last sentence!

[Wildcard]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tuber

Tubers are not roots, GJ. And the excavation is more important than the filling back in. As far as 'place' repeating . . . I'll look at it, but in all honesty I consider it to be the connecting refrain although it changes a little each time. I'll definitely see if there is more I could do with it.

Thanks for reading and the advice.

[grannyjill]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tuber

Tubers are not roots, GJ. And the excavation is more important than the filling back in. As far as 'place' repeating . . . I'll look at it, but in all honesty I consider it to be the connecting refrain although it changes a little each time. I'll definitely see if there is more I could do with it.

Thanks for reading and the advice.

You're right - I've done a couple more readings and the 'place' refrain does work....it was the last verse which made me doubt that, but on reflection no change would be the best option.

Mr. Webster told me tubers were roots and roots were tubers...but, it's not worth fighting over, especially as it is your poem, and the 't' alliteration works so well.
bye, grannyjill

[Wildcard]

You're right - I've done a couple more readings and the 'place' refrain does work....it was the last verse which made me doubt that, but on reflection no change would be the best option.

Mr. Webster told me tubers were roots and roots were tubers...but, it's not worth fighting over, especially as it is your poem, and the 't' alliteration works so well.
bye, grannyjill

I re-read my post and I hope that I don't sound stubborn Maybe I am being stubborn . . . Let me kick back to this one in a few days and I might be 'eating crow' I appreciate you caring enough to try to help me and I don't want to sound like somebody who thinks they've got it all figured out- I know I have a lot to learn.

[grannyjill]

I have a lot to learn too, so my suggestions are just that -'suggestions' to be acted upon or rejected at your command. So argue away, old buddy - I love your confidence (even if it is only a front!) as I am lacking in that department.

[Aish]

biting into the terra firma, Is 'the' really necessary? As a defining article I find it kind of distracting, it would be different if you had something like the terra firma of Alabama. You have no capitalization present in the poem, and although many poets employ such a method I personally find it tediously novitiate.
tasting the frozen roots and tubers Once again, I feel 'the' is a little clunky.
with galvanized teeth I really like 'galvanized teeth'. It presents an impression of acceptance, and along with your roots and tubers makes me think of a cathartic process, whereby the protagonist is intentionally masticating and digesting their past experiences (i.e. the buried/protected imagery). I do feel you need some punctuation after this line.
this place
is the last place
no other memory makes sense anymore I appreciate the sentiment in these three lines, however I think a separate strophe for them is in order. 'Anymore' disrupts your cadence and is an unnecessary adverb.

dumping my favorite in a hole This line deepens my impression of the above imagery.
seems so wrong
in this place Punctuation.
the first place
to avoid

in a few years it will all be over A little clunky.
requisition a new best
and try to misremember this place I like 'misremember', it alludes to a painful process, and the emotional burial at hand.
the only place
that she could go The final strophe is tied in well to the opening, although I think you could work on it for better affect.

[Wildcard]

Thanks for your time, Aish. I left out all punctuation purposely, but I was kind of crossing my fingers to see if anyone would think it was wrong. Todd once spoke of jumping in with both feet being the better way to learn so that's what I did. Can you give me ideas for which punctuation you mean?

As to the multiple instances of 'the', I think that makes sense. I will look at it more.

To Jill:
I'm beginning to see what you meant in your comments the more I re-read this. Thanks again for taking time to give your advice.

[grannyjill]

I reckon Aish is right about 'the

biting into terra firma,
tasting frozen roots and tubers
with galvanized teeth
this place
is the last place
no other memory makes sense anymore

.....you know the more I read this opening the more I like it....the sounds are so satisfying...never mind the meaning. The 't' alliteration I have already mentioned, but there is also the 'sssss' sound from galvanized/this/place/last/place/makes/sense....I think much of my enjoyment of poetry is based on such things.

[Philatone]

hey mark!
just a quick line-by; haven't really read the comments so apologies if I repeat (or none if that makes it more helpful to you!)

biting into the terra firma, ...don't need the article "the" I think
tasting the frozen roots and tubers...or here; nice lines for an opening by the way
with galvanized teeth
this place
is the last place
no other memory makes sense anymore ...at first I wasn't a fan of this line. it really tells a lot if you ask me, and I think there are ways of describing similar feelings. that being said, "memory", in a poem entitled "excavation", is such a powerful word that you could justify this line to me. believe that this line and the previous two would benefit from their own stanza

dumping my favorite in a hole ...I wanted a stronger word than "favorite", and something more specific too
seems so wrong
in this place
the first place
to avoid

...just a thought. if you wanted, I think you could add another stanza here to lead into your close a little more directly

in a few years it will all be over ...another spot where I think you can show rather than tell
requisition a new best
and try to misremember this place ...interesting....
the only place
that she could go

with regards to the punctuation (or "no punctuation")--with some adjusted line spacing, you may be able to get away with it better. I also wanted you to show more than simply tell me what is happening/ what will happen. you really crafted some great wordchoices and lines here (particularly thinking of your opening and "misremember"). sorry if the critique is too heavy for the forum!

[Wildcard]

Thanks Philatone.

You guys, I've done an edit- and the re-edited- and then . . . well I still don't feel good about it. Hmmm . . .

[Philatone]

haven't had a chance to read everything. just a very very very quick note.

the word "seem" can really steal a lot of energy and weaken imagery. when possible, just say that something "is"--poetry gives you that license to exaggerate, or sometimes, find the true meaning in an exaggeration. if you think the jump between your object and the comparison is too large, opt for a simile instead of a metaphor. if that is too much, then maybe you should consider dropping the image.

I'll come back to do a more thorough read. from a first glance it looks much, much cleaner!

[popeye]

Hey Mark, thanks for the read, most enjoyable especially the first stanza, loved the teeth, I have the Impression that you are burying a much loved pet in a grave where you had previously buried one! I reckon with all the crit. on this there's not much else I can say.

Cheers, jiminy

[grannyjill]

You have kept the best bits from the first poem and enhanced them with your re-write. Truly, this is a vast improvement. The completely new verse and the 'lichen' line are a great addition to the 'story'

Only one minor quibble 'the last line'....where she could've gone...is ambiguous (intentional?) Where she could've been placed or where she could've lain/been layed?

[Wildcard]

It's remarkable that you commented on one of the lines I feel the most unsure of. I'll look at it in depth when I have more time. Thanks a million for your time Jill.

[Aish]

Hi, Mark! I see you put some effort into the re-write, and am enjoying what I'm reading.

Revised:

Biting into terra firma
with galvanized teeth. I would use a comma here, instead of a period.
tasting frozen roots and tubers

in this place-
the last memory
that makes sense.

unceremonious dumping seems wrong-
a notion best to avoid. Have you considered 'a notion best avoided'?

dried emotions and brittle bones I really like this line.
litter a fresh cavity
and an old scent
pervades

soon lichen will hide the scar Another great line, a comma would be appropriate.
an attempt to misremember
the only place
that she could've gone I think 'that' should be stricken.

Original:

biting into the terra firma,
tasting the frozen roots and tubers
with galvanized teeth
this place
is the last place
no other memory makes sense anymore

dumping my favorite in a hole
seems so wrong
in this place
the first place
to avoid

in a few years it will all be over
requisition a new best
and try to misremember this place
the only place
that she could go

[Todd]

Hi Mark,

I haven't read the thread so I apologize if I'm going over previous comments. As you've got this in novice I'm going to stay away from a line-by-line. Here's my general comment:

Your last two strophes have some promise. The only issue I have with the piece is it feels like I'm ice skating on a pond and am unable to get below the surface. I want to connect with the emotional intensity that the speaker needs to bury.

The distance robs the piece of power that I'm sure is there. What's the scar, the old scent, the last memory? It may just be me Mark, but I think being able to draw closer would give this more bite.

Your language is interesting. I like the conceit of the poem. There's good stuff here to build on.

I hope some of that will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

Revised:

Biting into terra firma
with galvanized teeth.
tasting frozen roots and tubers

in this place-
the last memory
that makes sense.

unceremonious dumping seems wrong-
a notion best to avoid.

dried emotions and brittle bones
litter a fresh cavity
and an old scent
pervades
O
soon lichen will hide the scar
an attempt to misremember
the only place
that she could've gone

[Wildcard]

Thanks for the feedback, guys.

Todd:

Are you suggesting a longer poem or just more precise wording?

Your last two strophes have some promise. The only issue I have with the piece is it feels like I'm ice skating on a pond and am unable to get below the surface. I want to connect with the emotional intensity that the speaker needs to bury.

The distance robs the piece of power that I'm sure is there. What's the scar, the old scent, the last memory? It may just be me Mark, but I think being able to draw closer would give this more bite.

I'm confused a little . . . am I supposed to 'tell' here? I am trying to understand the difference between telling and showing. I thought that by comparing the excavation of earth I was relaying without telling Help!

Your language is interesting. I like the conceit of the poem. There's good stuff here to build on.

What do you mean by conceit, Todd? I'm sorry for being thick.


Aish:

Everything you pointed out makes perfect sense. I don't care if it's unoriginal to do so: I am using all of your suggestions.

[Todd]

Mark,

It's not that I want you to tell rather than show. It's that I think you the author have an emotional subtext that you probably think the readers are connecting with, and in my case I'm not. I want you to try to bring more of the subtext to the surface.

As far as conceit goes Mark don't be embarrassed we all pick these terms up as we go. A poetic conceit is an extended metaphor or framework that the poem hangs upon (like clothing in a closet). So this burying is a conceit. That's all I meant by it. John Donne's The Flea is a famous example.

Your first question last: not longer, not necessarily more precise wording--though probably. I want to connect with the poem emotionally not simply intellectually. I'm not sure I'm making sense. Sorry if I'm being confusing.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the feedback, guys.

Todd:

Are you suggesting a longer poem or just more precise wording?

Your last two strophes have some promise. The only issue I have with the piece is it feels like I'm ice skating on a pond and am unable to get below the surface. I want to connect with the emotional intensity that the speaker needs to bury.

The distance robs the piece of power that I'm sure is there. What's the scar, the old scent, the last memory? It may just be me Mark, but I think being able to draw closer would give this more bite.

I'm confused a little . . . am I supposed to 'tell' here? I am trying to understand the difference between telling and showing. I thought that by comparing the excavation of earth I was relaying without telling Help!

Your language is interesting. I like the conceit of the poem. There's good stuff here to build on.

What do you mean by conceit, Todd? I'm sorry for being thick.


Aish:

Everything you pointed out makes perfect sense. I don't care if it's unoriginal to do so: I am using all of your suggestions.

[Wildcard]

Revised. Thanks to everyone for the feedback.

Todd:

What do you think?