Excavation Point
#21
(12-27-2011, 05:26 AM)Mark Wrote:  Revision #2:

Biting into terra firma
with galvanized teeth,
tasting frozen roots and tubers

in this place-
the last memory that makes sense.

A song breezes through,
but I stamp it out quickly
before it's melody reaches me.

This unceremonious dumping seems wrong,
but it is a notion best avoided.

Dried emotions and brittle bones
litter a fresh cavity
where the scent of rot pervades.

Soon lichen and time will cover the scar-
an attempt to misremember this place:
the only place we have left.

Quote:Revision #1:

Biting into terra firma
with galvanized teeth.
tasting frozen roots and tubers

in this place-
the last memory
that makes sense.

unceremonious dumping seems wrong-
a notion best to avoid.

dried emotions and brittle bones
litter a fresh cavity
and an old scent
pervades

soon lichen will hide the scar
an attempt to misremember
the only place
that she could've gone

Quote:Original:

biting into the terra firma,
tasting the frozen roots and tubers
with galvanized teeth
this place
is the last place
no other memory makes sense anymore

dumping my favorite in a hole
seems so wrong
in this place
the first place
to avoid

in a few years it will all be over
requisition a new best
and try to misremember this place
the only place
that she could go
-------------------------------------
.....its melody.....

I like the new 'musical' additions -and I particularly like the last line. It is so poignant.
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#22
Mark,

why do you have a hyphen after "scar"

Soon lichen and time will cover the scar-
an attempt to misremember this place:
the only place we have left.

I thought it was some strange new word "scaran",

Are you attempting to use an en dash?

en dash – hyphen -

Soon lichen and time will cover the scar- with hyphen
Soon lichen and time will cover the scar– with en dash

en dash: is used to note an abrupt break or pause in a sentence. appropriate
hyphen: used to join a compound word, or separate syllables. not appropriate

Unless of course scaran is a real word, then please tell me what it means, as I no longer have access to and OED.

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#23
Are you being serious, Dale?

If so where is the en dash on my keyboard?
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#24
Mark, the emdash is two hyphens usually most word processor programs will make them unbroken if you put a letter right after them. I'll try to get to the rewrite later today.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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