Kamala

[Erthona]

I dream of Kamala kissing me
with “lips like a freshly cut fig”,
while my life and breath are
pleasurably sucked out.
I awake in a panic, reaching out
with claw-like fingers as though
I could pull the air into my lungs
faster than my panicked muscles
are already trying to do.
Sometimes at night my anima wishes
to take more than her fair share,
or so thinks the “I” that I think of as me,
even though that “I” changes as quickly
as the surface of a fast moving stream.
I think this is why I cannot enjoy
the love she trades for my essence.
Nothing is free, not even within myself.
But the truth is, what really scares me,
is she shows me my impermanence,
for to fall into the stream of her love,
I must first embrace the idea that
I do not exist…but love is like that.

©2011 ~Erthona

[billy]

I dream of Kamala kissing me
with “lips like a freshly cut fig”, strong image
while my life and breath are are 'while' and 'are' needed?
pleasurably sucked out.
I awake in a panic, reaching out 'reaching' feels a bit weak considering the panic
with claw-like fingers as though
I could pull the air into my lungs
faster than my panicked muscles
are already trying to do.
Sometimes at night my anima wishes
to take more than her fair share,
or so thinks the “I” that I think of as me,
even though that “I” changes as quickly
as the surface of a fast moving stream.
I think this is why I cannot enjoy
the love she trades for my essence.
Nothing is free, not even within myself.
But the truth is, what really scares me, is 'but the truth is' needed?
is she shows me my impermanence, this works well with the fast moving stream image.
for to fall into the stream of her love,
I must first embrace the idea that
I do not exist…but love is like that.

©2011 ~Erthona

the anima part is puzzling me, is the anima the feminine side of you the male or is it from a females POV.
the last three lines didn't hold me or hook me back into the poem. i think the 'but love is like that feels forced'
very jungian, i like the cadence or the piece and how it carries the reader along. i'd like to know who Kamala is. (there is a wrestler known as kamala but i doubt you mean him it feels indian at least asian which i know is a large area though i'm wondering if the asian influence is only because of the dream. all in all i enjoyed it. specially that the psychology part made me think. thanks for the read.


ps: the 1st line was a great draw in for the reader.

[rbl]

I really liked the reaching out "with claw like hands to pull air into my lungs" image.

This flows beautifully. A very easy read.

[Philatone]

Hello Erthona. It's a pleasure to read the first piece of yours I've seen.
I had trouble locating this "Kamala" figure; I'm getting an Indian influence as well but not much beyond that. Here are my thoughts; take what you will please!

I dream of Kamala kissing me
with “lips like a freshly cut fig”,
while my life and breath are
pleasurably sucked out...not usually a fan of adverbs, but "pleasurably" adds a great touch here
I awake in a panic, reaching out ..the phrasal verbs with "out" were noticeable here for me, between this line and the last
with claw-like fingers as though ..why not say "with claws" and strengthen the image? either way, I like
I could pull the air into my lungs
faster than my panicked muscles ...interesting transition--before, you said it was pleasurable, but now there's a panic. creates a dichotomy between awareness and the surreal. the wording strikes me as telling more than necessary, especially when looking at the next line as well.
are already trying to do.
Sometimes at night my anima wishes ..like the tone/ scene switch with "sometimes"
to take more than her fair share, ..."fair share" pretty idiomatic
or so thinks the “I” that I think of as me,
even though that “I” changes as quickly
as the surface of a fast moving stream. ...hmm
I think this is why I cannot enjoy
the love she trades for my essence.
Nothing is free, not even within myself...not sure I feel this line is necessary
But the truth is, what really scares me,..this could be tightened. Such as, "What really scares me, though," or "But what really scares me" or something of that nature"
is she shows me my impermanence, ..won't argue if you disagree. Impermanence struck me as being very direct; another way of describing or showing it would have interested me more. agree with billy that the concept does work well for the piece
for to fall into the stream of her love,
I must first embrace the idea that
I do not exist…but love is like that.

..I am at odds with the ending. I think the ideas mold well with the poem. that being said, I didn't find the ending as striking as I felt it could have been. maybe that's perfect for the tone of the piece on one hand, but I think another means of expressing it could really land an impact. there is a lot of deep material coursing through here...

©2011 ~Erthona

a nice read; i hope at least some of this is helpful

[Erthona]

Thanks for the read and the comments guys. Kamala is a character from Herman Hesse "Siddhartha". I was not entirely pleased with this, and I will take you comments into my thoughts about revising this.

Thanks again,

Dale

[heslopian]

I dream of Kamala kissing me
with “lips like a freshly cut fig”,
while my life and breath are
pleasurably sucked out. Is "pleasurably" needed? The adjective feels cliche.
I awake in a panic, reaching out
with claw-like fingers as though
I could pull the air into my lungs
faster than my panicked muscles
are already trying to do. I really like this whole passage. It's very evocative and crisp.
Sometimes at night my anima wishes
to take more than her fair share,
or so thinks the “I” that I think of as me,
even though that “I” changes as quickly
as the surface of a fast moving stream. Is "fast moving" needed? Again it feels cliche.
I think this is why I cannot enjoy
the love she trades for my essence. Great sentence.
Nothing is free, not even within myself.
But the truth is, what really scares me,
is she shows me my impermanence,
for to fall into the stream of her love,
I must first embrace the idea that
I do not exist…but love is like that. You need a space after the ellipsis.

©2011 ~Erthona

This is an excellent poem. It feels very honed and concise. There's no waste. Thanks for the read, Erthona.

[billy]

Thanks for the read and the comments guys. Kamala is a character from Herman Hesse "Siddhartha". I was not entirely pleased with this, and I will take you comments into my thoughts about revising this.

Thanks again,

Dale

i must be such a fool come moron. one of my favourite books is the glass bead game, and the concept of it. i have had a cursory read of siddartha and i think it won him a Nobel prize. sadly i couldn't get into it enough to retain anything of it.

[Erthona]

Heslopian,

"Is "pleasurably" needed? The adjective feels cliche."
I think so in order to make the juxtaposition work. In the dream it is pleasurable, but in reality it is not. I do think this passage is awkward, but at the moment I don't know what to do with it; well, that is acceptable.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"even though that “I” changes as quickly
as the surface of a fast moving stream. Is "fast moving" needed? Again it feels cliche."

I changed the quickly and the fast back and forth and this is where they ended up. It is cliche but so is the idea that one cannot step into a stream the same place twice, so... I don't really know how to change this and still retain the allusion.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You need a space after the ellipsis." Yes, yes I do!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Billy,

"sadly i couldn't get into it enough to retain anything of it."

How strange. Out of all the existential writings, and also considering Hesse is German, "Siddhartha" has always struck me as reading almost like poetry, it has been Hesse's other works that have struck me as difficult. Of course none so difficult as Sartre's "Being in Nothingness". Not to cast aspersions, I just find it interesting how people respond to things. There are many so called "Masterworks" which I find a total yawn. It was not until my thirties that I began to enjoy Shakespeare, although I was completely enamored of William Blake by the time I was nineteen.

Dale

[Leanne]

Dale, Siddhartha is one of my all-time favourites -- it's certainly flavoured a poem or two of mine over the years, not to mention being taken on board as a large part of my personal philosophy.

I dream of Kamala kissing me
with “lips like a freshly cut fig”, -- I enjoy the direct quote, it's such a beautiful image, but it might strengthen the line if you had with her
while my life and breath are
pleasurably sucked out. -- pleasurably adds quite a good contrast
I awake in a panic, reaching out -- I think you could remove a from this line
with claw-like fingers as though -- claw-like is not bad, but perhaps you'd consider with fingers clawed
I could pull the air into my lungs
faster than my panicked muscles -- the use of panic/panicked twice in such a short space seems a waste to me
are already trying to do.
Sometimes at night my anima wishes
to take more than her fair share,
or so thinks the “I” that I think of as me,
even though that “I” changes as quickly
as the surface of a fast moving stream. -- fast moving stream is bordering on cliche, though you definitely need the river/stream surface to echo the experiences in the novel
I think this is why I cannot enjoy
the love she trades for my essence.
Nothing is free, not even within myself.
But the truth is, what really scares me,
is she shows me my impermanence,
for to fall into the stream of her love, -- another use of stream?
I must first embrace the idea that
I do not exist…but love is like that.

[Erthona]

Leanne,

"I think you could remove a from this line" I think you are correct.

"claw-like is not bad, but perhaps you'd consider with fingers clawed" Yeah, I wasn't just rel pleased with this, a bit too cliche, just didn't take the time to come up with something better.

"the use of panic/panicked twice in such a short space seems a waste to me" You're right. I didn't notice that I had done that.

"-- another use of stream? " Yeah, I know. I wanted it to echo the above stream, but it needs something better. Too much stream of consciousness on my mind.

"but it might strengthen the line if you had with her" Do you mean

"I dream of Kamala kissing me
with her “lips like a freshly cut fig”

I don't know, that seems a little awkward, or did you mean something different.

I had a professor give his interpt of the "fig" line. He thought Hesse was going for a double entendre of lips of mouth/vagina. Personally, I think it is an excellent description of the mouth lips of the pacific rim women, especially the Thais. In fact the "tall and slender" Siddhartha seems more like the Thai/Indian version than the Chinese. One thing is for certain, Hesse's novel reads much better than the Rig Veda (well, at least the English translation, seeing as how I cannot read Sanskrit).

Thanks for the read and suggestion,

Dale

[Leanne]

Yes, I'd tend to go with

with her "lips like a freshly cut fig"

or

with those "lips like a freshly cut fig"

just to set the quote slightly apart from your own words. Anyone who's familiar with the text will know that reference, but I think it's safe to assume that plenty of people won't recognise it.

I'd never consider any need for a vagina allusion -- lips are plenty sexy enough, but perhaps your professor was a little over-Freudian . I've always just thought, like you, that it's the perfect image with the added connotations of sweetness and juice.

[Erthona]

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar

[billy]

Billy,

"sadly i couldn't get into it enough to retain anything of it."

How strange. Out of all the existential writings, and also considering Hesse is German, "Siddhartha" has always struck me as reading almost like poetry, it has been Hesse's other works that have struck me as difficult. Of course none so difficult as Sartre's "Being in Nothingness". Not to cast aspersions, I just find it interesting how people respond to things. There are many so called "Masterworks" which I find a total yawn. It was not until my thirties that I began to enjoy Shakespeare, although I was completely enamored of William Blake by the time I was nineteen.

Dale

my education was sparse, exceptionally so. and my main reading material was old newspapers and my brothers porn stash. it was only later on i realised such works existed. one of my first epiphanies was Zola's earth.
i was in my early twenties. after that it was the glass beads, which were completely different. as for Shakespeare, i never got into him my taste had already been tainted by Sven hassle etc. on in the last 10 or so years am becoming educated to some of what is known as the great works. an odd poem here, a excerpt there.

i find it exciting that while i can't produce great poems, i can sometimes get the chance to give feedback on one . luckily we have a few good writers on the site. what's weird is that the more i read this thread, the more i remember Kamala. and the more i forget her. i think soon i'll be revisiting her and hesse. sorry it's not about the poem you wrote. just a thought or two in response

[Erthona]

I once taught a class of supposedly advanced college freshmen and this was one of the books that was a required read, and it was easy to tell from the discussion that if they read it, they didn't get much from it. So hey, if this poem gets you to re-read "Siddhartha" it's done more than most of my poems. If you do, drop me a pm and let me know what you think.

Dale