modern (c word, content)

[billy]

art in a can
condensed cream of
tomato trope
posterised side by six
sides of marilyn
beauty spotted modern snots
in pastel shards
and sometimes
ultraviolet shades of red
cultured cunts
who see the tin for what it is

---

i thought i'd try my hand at one without grammar

[Philatone]

hello billy. i see you've been inspired; can't say i've written a poem many poems without grammar either...

art in a can..nice opening, I think it draws the reader in well.
condensed cream of
tomato trope...like these two lines
posterised side by six..and this line and the next lost me a bit. I feel as though I'm losing touch with the image; of course, it may just be me
sides of marilyn
beauty spotted modern snots ..the word "snots" detracted from the poem from me. it didn't seem to fit as well as words like "condensed", "pastel", and "ultraviolet"; it loses that 'sophistication' of sorts I think
in pastel shards
and sometimes
ultraviolet shades of red
cultured cunts
who see the tin for what it is...enjoyed the close

---

i thought i'd try my hand at one without grammar

one idea that flew to my mind on the form was making all the lines the same length to resemble a can of sorts. I admit I did get a bit lost in the middle; I'll have a few more reads later to see if anything changes

[Aish]

Hi, Billy!

Reading this gave me the impression (or perhaps I should say allusion) of an Andy Warhol painting.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback phil, will see if i get any more feedback before i decide an edit.

thanks Aish; it is based on his art. which funnily enough was a by product of a discussion on you short poem

[Aish]

Now HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT?

[Erthona]

Personally I'd line it out differently. Maybe cut it some like

can art
condensed cream
(congealed) tomato ( not sure about the use of trope)...

Of course of this I can da loose it. Seems a better title would be "being a modern can". Does seem like a mixture of Warhol (mainly) and a dab of Tom Robbins, but I really have no idea what this is suppose to be saying, or what image it is suppose to engender in the reader.

Overall it seems satirical, I'm just not sure what it is satirizing....or not.

Dale

Is posterised suppose to be posturised, or is it a play on the word poster. If the second I would write it poster-ized so as to avoid confusion.

If this is mainly about Warhol, maybe a title to reflect that, otherwise it makes it a bit obscure.

[billy]

Personally I'd line it out differently. Maybe cut it some like

can art
condensed cream
(congealed) tomato ( not sure about the use of trope)...

Of course of this I can da loose it. Seems a better title would be "being a modern can". Does seem like a mixture of Warhol (mainly) and a dab of Tom Robbins, but I really have no idea what this is suppose to be saying, or what image it is suppose to engender in the reader.

Overall it seems satirical, I'm just not sure what it is satirizing....or not.

Dale

Is posterised suppose to be posturised, or is it a play on the word poster. If the second I would write it poster-ized so as to avoid confusion.

If this is mainly about Warhol, maybe a title to reflect that, otherwise it makes it a bit obscure.

it's poster-ised. and i see your point re the title.
i was a snipe at the lack of imagery in the likes of warhol's work , how it lacks originality (though many will disagree with me, we did all that stuff in borstal) though of course i never intentionally intended for the poem to be as you saw it. it sort of fits in with what i think about pop and poster art in general. i definitely sort the title out a little later.
thanks for the feedback.

[Philatone]

hey, had a few more readings. I have a better hang on the marillyn lines and the snots. However, the latter, while fitting for the tone of the piece, just still strikes as a bid odd in the context of the other pieces sounds and meanings. The former I think would benefit from different wording, but certainly just be on my end. I think starting the line with "marilyn" could make it tighter

[billy]

i suppose you're right about the snots, it was that when ever i did water colour or acrylic stuff i always ended up with what looked like dry circles of snot hehe. i'll see what i can do with it when i do an edit.
will think about the marylin thing but in truth i'm okay with that part.

thanks as always for the feedback. specially coming back to it a 2nd time.

[rbl]

art in a can - I thought it was an interesting way to start off and it drew me in!
condensed cream of
tomato trope
posterised side by six
sides of marilyn - love this line!
beauty spotted modern snots
in pastel shards - this is one of my favorite images here - you've paired soft (pastel) and hard (shards) and it really has an impact
and sometimes
ultraviolet shades of red
cultured cunts
who see the tin for what it is - nice ending! You wrapped things up effectively.

I really enjoyed reading your poem. The ending was the best - the phrase "cultured cunts who see the tin for what it is" really made me stop, in a good way! It felt like that's exactly where the poem should end (and did).

[billy]

thanks for the feedback rbl