The Adventurer's Manifesto

[heslopian]

Beauty so harsh and ucompromising,
glistening like cellophane
caught by the midday light,
no God to blunder blindly through.
This is the vision of which I have dreamed
in camps below the moon.
Freed from man's stupidity
and his cleverness, his ambitions,
daily life, wating for a taxicab,
the last chair at the coffee house.

To see a flower grow then die,
rivers wash away their banks,
sunlight soak an arctic field,
the meaningless circles of life,
the pepetual motion machine,
this is the vision of which I have dreamed.

[billy]

Beauty so harsh and ucompromising, uncomp.....
glistening like cellophane
caught by the midday light,
no God to blunder blindly through. this line feels a little too dramatic for me. if you want to say it why not just "no God"
This is the vision of which I have dreamed is 'this is' needed?
in camps below the moon.
Freed from man's stupidity
and his cleverness, his ambitions,
daily life, wating for a taxicab, waiting
the last chair at the coffee house.

To see a flower grow then die, (a bit cliche)
rivers wash away their banks,
sunlight soak an arctic field, love this line (Arctic)
the meaningless circles of life, is 'the' and 'of life' needed, it feels lion kingish
the pepetual motion machine, perpetual, is 'the' and 'machine' needed?
this is the vision of which I have dreamed.

some spelling mistakes jack, (do you have a spell checker?)

i like the tie in of the first line with arctic fields as a harsh beauty. i think beauty in this instance works. i also like the 2nd line because for me it's a good image. thanks for the read as always jack

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback and heads up on the spelling mistakes Bilbo I usually run all my poems through a spell checker but this time I must have forgot.

[Philatone]

ey! my thoughts

Beauty so harsh and ucompromising,..this line didn't draw me in immediately; I think starting with "beauty" makes the poem feel too typical. Switching with one of the other lines (e.g., the cellophane image, or even the line "caught by the midday light" though I realize its used more for the simile) could make a more unique opening.
glistening like cellophane
caught by the midday light,
no God to blunder blindly through...not sure how necessary "blindly" is. I think blunder is a good, strong word that conveys all you need
This is the vision of which I have dreamed..your call, but felt overly complex. simplified: "I have dreamed"
in camps below the moon.
Freed from man's stupidity
and his cleverness, his ambitions,
daily life, wating for a taxicab,..not sure you need "daily life". I think the taxicab and last chair cover your meaning
the last chair at the coffee house.

To see a flower grow then die,..you have stronger images after this one
rivers wash away their banks, ..like this
sunlight soak an arctic field,..and this!
the meaningless circles of life,...after those concrete images, this felt 1) too telly and 2) too abstract. not sure if it's needed
the pepetual motion machine,
this is the vision of which I have dreamed.

just some quick thoughts, see if you agree or disagree or kind of agree, and I hope they help

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Philatone Would the third from last line feel less telling if I replaced "meaningless" with "expanding"?

[Philatone]

I do think "expanding" gives you more than "meaningless". again, another actual image that more strongly suggests a circle of life (doesn't have to be death necessarily; I think something related to "age" could work wonders if it is not suggested too strongly. I think it would be relatively easy to create a strong image for it too, seeing how prevalent it is). understand if you disagree, but I really do think it would enhance the ending. as said, you have strong images before it.

With that in mind, I guess another option could be to start with the abstract (that 4th line), make it the first line, and then get progressively more concrete. It would make the abstractness less noticeable since it wouldn't be the ending of the images.

[addy]

Beauty so harsh and ucompromising,
glistening like cellophane Clever usage here; at first blush "cellophane" seems odd, but it is a nice, unique way of calling the scene pristine
caught by the midday light,
no God to blunder blindly through.
This is the vision of which I have dreamed This line seems a little awkward (though it read very well in the poem's final line)... maybe needs rephrasing
in camps below the moon.
Freed from man's stupidity
and his cleverness, his ambitions,
daily life, wating for a taxicab,
the last chair at the coffee house. The arrangement of your phrasing is very poignant-- man's ambitions inadvertently reduced to small, daily ones. Pretty effective

To see a flower grow then die,
rivers wash away their banks,
sunlight soak an arctic field,
the meaningless circles of life,
the pepetual motion machine,
this is the vision of which I have dreamed. I love the imagery of this stanza. Beautiful stuff.