exposed

[Leanne]

I, naked before glass; she
unfolds her shadows.
Cloth-caught, her moonlight echoes
pull, tide-twisting. I am drawn.
Razor tongue slices, drip
lick, groan and touch of
flesh, breathe.
I am she is me and we
are burning.

[Philatone]

I, naked before glass; she ..great divisions with syntax and punctuation
unfolds her shadows...wonderful image!
Cloth-caught, her moonlight echoes ..might need more readings, but got caught on "moonlight". keep wanting to say the adjective form "moonlit". Could be the poem didn't go where I expected, now i'm trying to figure out this "she" again
pull, tide-twisting. I am drawn...like the tide, natural with the moon and extending it to the speaker
Razor tongue slices, drip..wow...there is quite a dramatic shift in word choice and tone. i'm debating if a space between this line and the previous would enhance the effect/ reiterate the "slicing"
lick, groan and touch of
flesh, breathe.
I am she is me and we
are burning.

..really enjoyed the closing two lines

a short piece with the punches where they need to be, especially at the masterly-woven end.the moonlight and echoes section did trip me up a little bit because of the flexibility of boths words (nouns and verbs and adjectives). of course, that could also go well with that image of the glass, reflections and the like that seem to be coursing through the piece. regardless, I enjoyed the read,leanne

[addy]

I like the great wordplay going on in there... as was already said, there are twists where the poem dances away from where you'd assumed it to go. So though the title is "exposed", it's very interesting that there are lots of tricks and mirroring going on. It's a very tight, rich poem that stands up well (and gets even better) upon re-reading.

I, naked before glass; she Great start.
unfolds her shadows.
Cloth-caught, her moonlight echoes enjoyed the mishmashing metaphor of cloth and tide being pulled...
pull, tide-twisting. I am drawn. ... then "drawn" subtly shifting definition from pull to then being in the context of a bladed weapon. It made a violent transition also elegant
Razor tongue slices, drip
lick, groan and touch of
flesh, breathe. Flesh and breath, body and ether. another subtle but significant word choice I liked.
I am she is me and we
are burning. I did not expect "burning" at all as an image to end this piece. Then again, most of this poem has played itself to be unexpected.

Thanks for the read Leanne

[Leanne]

Cloth-caught, her moonlight echoes ..might need more readings, but got caught on "moonlight". keep wanting to say the adjective form "moonlit". Could be the poem didn't go where I expected, now i'm trying to figure out this "she" again

Many thanks I tend to think of it as "her moonlight" which "echoes", although I can read it as "her echoes" by "moonlight"... but if I changed it to "moonlit" then I'd only get the adjective out of it and I kind of like ambiguity. Because I'm not sane.

I guess this is an example of how a little bit of a change in grammar can make a difference.

[Philatone]

understand completely! it wasn't a terrible experience or anything; the ability to create that kind of ambiguity was great. it just made me stumble a bit

[abu nuwas]

Rather ambiguous. You have yet to reach the stage where you have hazy old mirrors, or avoid them. But then you have the arrogance of youth...

I was rather expecting a walrus to pop up at the end!

V neat, and Leannic.

[Leanne]

A walrus? How very dare you, sir! I only smell fishy on Saturdays.

[heslopian]

I, naked before glass; she Not sure I like the comma after "I"; the fragment feels incomplete somehow. Would "I sit naked" sound better?
unfolds her shadows.
Cloth-caught, her moonlight echoes
pull, tide-twisting. I am drawn.
Razor tongue slices, drip
lick, groan and touch of
flesh, breathe.
I am she is me and we
are burning.

The narrative reminded me vaguely of the portion of The Story of O I read on amazon recently, before deciding it wasn't a book I'd like Otherwise though a good read. The last sentence is a wonderful play on language, conveying well the sense of two identities melting into one.

[Leanne]

Thanks for the feedback, Jack. I've considered your suggestion but decided against it because it's too anchored in the body. I'd prefer to stay clear of the corporeal except as a metaphor, since I don't consider this really about the physical at all.

[Leanne]

I like the great wordplay going on in there... as was already said, there are twists where the poem dances away from where you'd assumed it to go. So though the title is "exposed", it's very interesting that there are lots of tricks and mirroring going on. It's a very tight, rich poem that stands up well (and gets even better) upon re-reading.

Addy, so sorry to have ignored you! I very much appreciate your comment, I just forgot to say so ><