The Back of the Cave

[heslopian]

Life is beginning again.
Stasis' womb has opened, briefly,
pushing me through its entrance several inches,
to greet blinding lamps which shine on honesty.

My heart is a cave, empty yet secret.
But day is creeping through the mouth,
towards this furthermost darkness.
Slowly like a shy infant. I begin to hope.

[Wildcard]

Hi Jack,
   This reminds me of the cycle of depression and mania that life sometimes seems to favor. My own interpretation is flawed I'm sure. I love the title.

Life is beginning again.
Stasis' womb has opened, briefly,
pushing me through its entrance several inches, --would this be better without 'several inches'?
to greet blinding lamps which shine on honesty.

My heart is a cave, empty yet secret. --JMO, but 'heart' makes me pause. I wanna say it sounds cliche, but I don't think that's the right word.
But day is creeping through the mouth,
towards this furthermost darkness.
Slowly like a shy infant. I begin to hope. --my favorite line. Nice beautiful image when laid over 'furthermost darkness'

I thinks you've done a fine job here and as always I'm glad to be reading your work.

[heslopian]

"Several inches" is needed because the narrator hasn't been pushed all the way out of stasis, just a short distance.
I see what you mean about "heart". Would "life" work better?
Thanks for the feedback AA

[Wildcard]

I nearly suggested 'life' but that's the way you start the poem so I'm not sure. I keep thinking maybe you should take the possessive away entirely and just leave: 'an empty place, yet full of secrets'

That's just a suggestion but i think you can see what I mean. The title states 'cave' and the first line and the last line seem to seal up the possessive references without having to explicitly state that your heart is the cave. JMO of course

[heslopian]

Thanks for the help AA

[Wildcard]

Anytime, sir. I love to offer my drivel.

[Philatone]

Hey Heslopian,

Life is beginning again. --I would like to see a stronger introduction. Not suggesting to remove this line, but I think you could add something before it
Stasis' womb has opened, briefly,
pushing me through its entrance several inches, --going to agree with AA, this line detracts from the piece a little bit. maybe something like "inching me closer to its entrance". I think the use of entrance here is interesting, as opposed to "exit". It almost plays on the scene: are you entering the stasis or leaving through the "entrance" it is giving?
to greet blinding lamps which shine on honesty.

My heart is a cave, empty yet secret. again agreeing here. It may have to due with the "heart" already being a metaphor by itself. If it isn't, and you are talking about the organ, it might work. But I'm not convinced that is the case. If it is the case, I would try to think of the exact word that "heart" represents, and use it instead
But day is creeping through the mouth,
towards this furthermost darkness.
Slowly like a shy infant. I begin to hope. ---- I don't know if you need this bit. the images you have might already suggest it, with the day and the image of an infant (new life, among other meanings). if you want to draw it out more, playing with line breaks could help or adding another adjective

just my thoughts, hope they are helpful!

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Philatone Would "love" work better than "heart"?

[Philatone]

Life is beginning again.
Stasis' womb has opened, briefly,
pushing me through its entrance several inches,
to greet blinding lamps which shine on honesty.

My heart is a cave, empty yet secret.
But day is creeping through the mouth,
towards this furthermost darkness.
Slowly like a shy infant. I begin to hope.

So I was looking at this line again, trying to simply replace "heart" with "love". Now, does it work? Yes...The problem you will run into, though, is you'll get a stale start to a line that could be strong (not the most powerful line in the poem, but not weak either). Think about how many lines you would expect to see in poetry starting with "My love is a..."

Your options could be to abandon it, use it and move on, or adjust the line. You could have it so that "my love" is moved to the end or middle of the line instead. Something even along the lines of "The caves of my love" would be a a slight improvement I think. A better option, I think, is to abandon "heart" and "love", which are abstract terms, and think of an actual, concrete image. It won't be easy. If you can't think of one here, that is fine. Overall, the poem has a lot of abstract things going on, with this "life", "stasis's womb", "entrance", and "honesty", among others--grounding one of these other things in something concrete might make this element of the poem less noticeable.

Just my opinion of course, I'm sure others may disagree. I am biased towards concreteness, perhaps moreso than many. I do hope this helps though.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the help Philatone

[addy]

A very intriguing piece Jack. There's primal imagery, but the emotion is very sensitive. I liked that.

Here are some of my thoughts on it.

Life is beginning again.
Stasis' womb has opened, briefly, My only (very small) nit about this line is that when read aloud, "stasis" kind of trips me up in its possessive form. Maybe "stasis has opened its womb" would read better? Not really sure.
pushing me through its entrance several inches, I do like inches, though "several" spoils it a little.How about simply "by inches"? Something like that, maybe.
to greet blinding lamps which shine on honesty. "which shine on honesty" is a little broadstroked/ vague for me, I'm afraid. I'm not sure I'm interpreting it correctly, though.

My heart is a cave, empty yet secret. I feel your pain Jack; heart does seem to be the most appropriate term for what you wish to say. If you're not inclined to change it, how about "my heart is a chamber"? I know it doesn't have the same ring, but the pun might give the metaphor an extra kick. That's just a suggestion though. Hope it helps, though maybe not
But day is creeping through the mouth,
towards this furthermost darkness. I love this image... your tone feeds the action marvelously.
Slowly like a shy infant. I begin to hope. Great line. Is "begin" here supposed to intentionally mirror "beginning" in the first line? If not, maybe change one or the other.

[billy]

it feels inspirational, specially the 2nd verse. i don't think it needs "but" on it's 2nd line. as for the heart word. it works for me. the metaphor works through the verse to the last line. and the tile. a good rebirth poem. if i had one nit apart for the 'but' it would be 'stasis''' which for me would be solved 'A' in front of 'womb'

i've just read it again and it has more depth than first appears. (jmo) for me that's a sign of a good poem. wish i could have been more constructive
thanks for read.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback Addy and Bilbo I like your chamber pun, Addy. I may use it.