Saturn, With A Waning Moon

[Aish]

Black majik filaments,
sticky with entropy
tie me down, like four-point restraints;

I am a husk in syndication,
reruns of dyspeptic cannibalism
and soullessly cultivated afternoons.

A cock crows abruptly, the vessel

breaks

freeing my moon.
Eager hands gather stars to be thrown
at a basalt sky -

and the sun bursts into atomic candy;
I am ardency incarnate,
the cheshire cat with a thousand truncated canaries.

[Philatone]

Ey Aish!
These were just my thoughts

Black majik filaments, --been said on another one of your poems, but I do like this form of the word
sticky with entropy
tie me down, like four-point restraints; ---this simile was a little more direct than I would have liked.

I am a husk in syndication,
reruns of dyspeptic cannibalism
and soullessly cultivated afternoons.

A cock crows abruptly, the vessel --great words used together

breaks

freeing my moon.
Eager hands gather stars to be thrown
at a basalt sky --like its use as an adjective here

and the sun bursts into atomic candy; --this word drew me away from the tone a bit--it felt too light-hearted for me in this piece
I am ardency incarnate,
the cheshire cat with a thousand truncated canaries.

this poem throws a lot of good words together. It is somewhat cryptic, so i'm not sure i got everything. are the canaries for rings? I got a little lost on the part with the crow, i admit. regardless, i do like the images. sorry i can't be more helpful.

[only rob]

Black majik filaments, I love this spelling.
sticky with entropy
tie me down, like four-point restraints; Seems concrete
compared to the rest
I am a husk in syndication, maybe silk restraints
reruns of dyspeptic cannibalism for soundplay
and soullessly cultivated afternoons.

A cock crows abruptly, the vessel

breaks Excellent hesitation here.

freeing my moon.
Eager hands gather stars to be thrown
at a basalt sky -

and the sun bursts into atomic candy; Candy feels a bit light
I thought popcorn, but that was just my visuaI I am ardency incarnate,
the cheshire cat with a thousand truncated canaries.

I just loved this piece. My fourth reading was aloud, and it just felt right in my mouth. My notes should be taken with a grain of salt, as I claim no talent for advising superior poets. Just throwing ideas out there. As written, it is wonderful, just trying my hand at being as helpful as y'all have been to me.

[Wildcard]

Black majik filaments, --I like 'filaments' here as it has a context in the galactic conversation as well as in reference to the binding thread
sticky with entropy
tie me down, like four-point restraints; --In the physical sense, the filaments(superclusters) have more of a loose pull on the planets and other heavenly bodies. I think you might do better with a representation of something more in that train of thought.

I am a husk in syndication,
reruns of dyspeptic cannibalism
and soullessly cultivated afternoons.

A cock crows abruptly, the vessel

breaks --the line breaks and white space are well crafted. Sometimes I can't be sure if I am reading a poem as intended, but in this case I just know that I have read it right and that it is excellent work.

freeing my moon.
Eager hands gather stars to be thrown
at a basalt sky - nice image. do you need the hyphen, though?

and the sun bursts into atomic candy;
I am ardency incarnate,
the cheshire cat with a thousand truncated canaries.

I'm still rolling the close over my tongue to be sure I have an understanding of some sort before I comment. Great work, Aish. Thanks for sharing.

[Aish]

Thanks for all the great feedback! I don't mind opening this one up. Jack posted a challenge on another forum, to write a poem about happiness after a long period of sadness. I had initially thought to write of a period of elongated mourning, but ultimately decided to write about bi-polar disorder. I do apologize for the abstract feel. I had hoped the nuances would come across strongly enough to convey severe depression followed by mania. Candy was obviously a bad choice. The onset of mania is super intense, and feeling the sun for the first time in weeks is sublime on a level I have no words to express. I will continue to work on this.

@Philatone - I do not use any other form of the word 'majik', so I am happy you like it. The canaries were an attempt to illicit an image, one of a cat with a vast supply of birds it can easily catch because their wings are clipped, i.e. an insanely giddy experience. The cock (rooster) crowing is meant to signify the coming of the light - the end of the dark period.

@ Rob - You flatter me far to much, sir. The restraints are pretty concrete and I was hoping it wouldn't be too much given the rest of the piece. I have experienced depression on such a level I was incapable of pulling myself out of bed, and that was what I was hoping to convey, the utterly hopeless feeling.

@ Mark - Your first two observations are keen and much appreciated.

[billy]

i was reading this one when my partner came home so had to leave it while she wanted to tell me something.

I like the opening line it ties in wit the title and the last 3rd line. (filaments/wire) i think it's a tight first stanza. a few suggestions in the body.

Black majik filaments,
sticky with entropy
tie me down, like four-point restraints;

I am a husk in syndication,
reruns of dyspeptic cannibalism is 'reruns of' needed?
and soullessly cultivated afternoons.

A cock crows abruptly, the vessel would 'the vessel' work better on it's own line?

breaks i like 'breaks' on it own, not a keen fan of one word lines but here it works on more than one level.

freeing my moon.
Eager hands gather stars to be thrown would 'to be thrown' work better in front of 'at: or 'stars to be thrown' on it's own line.
at a basalt sky -

and the sun bursts into atomic candy;
I am ardency incarnate,
the cheshire cat with a thousand truncated canaries. Cheshire

i like the end stanza and particularly the last line. i think you could do a little more with the enjambment but everything else are just niggles to look at.

it's like a cross between dennis weatly (sp) and lewis carroll.
and i enjoyed it.
thanks for the read.