Martial

[Leanne]

Edit 26/09/11

Last summer I was the horseless Alexander,
building monuments to conquests I would never make again
while men clamoured for recognition
of their two-footed stumbles.
I could not turn off the sun,
so I hid under their skin.

For ages we burrow, burn and
sup at complicated tables,
with tongues and hands
helplessly divided.

What good are accolades, shining shields
and ceremony, when the earth itself
rejects you?







Original version

Last summer I was the horseless Alexander,
building monuments to conquests I would never make again
while men clamoured for recognition
of their two-footed stumbles. I could not turn off the sun,
so I hid under their skin.

For too long we burrow,
burn and sup at complicated tables,
with tongues and hands helplessly divided.

What good are accolades, shining shields
and ceremony, when the earth itself
rejects you?

[Aish]

---

Last summer I was the horseless Alexander,
building monuments to conquests I would never make again
while men clamoured for recognition
of their two-footed stumbles. I could not turn off the sun,
so I hid under their skin. Perhaps you could move 'I could not turn off the sun,' down a line? These two lines are exquisitely descriptive.

For too long we burrow,
burn and sup at complicated tables,
with tongues and hands helplessly divided. Tongues and hands helplessly divided reminds me of the Tower of Babel.

What good are accolades, shining shields
and ceremony, when the earth itself
rejects you? An embittered end.

I don't have any real crit for you, Leanne - I am enamored with the organic agony of your writing.

[John Holland]

I had forgotten how clever you were.

[only rob]

Last summer I was the horseless Alexander,
building monuments to conquests I would never make again
while men clamoured for recognition
of their two-footed stumbles. I could not turn off the sun,
so I hid under their skin.

For too long we burrow, For ages, we burrow
burn and sup at complicated tables,
with tongues and hands helplessly divided. with tongues, hands

What good are accolades, shining shields
and ceremony, when the earth itself
rejects you?

I just loved this as written. My suggestions are probably useless, but here goes, based on my reading aloud. My ear liked the ages substitution because of the soundplay, and, somehow, omitting the and with a hesitation of the comma made it erm, solid in my ear.

This is a delightful poem, and I'm sooo happy to be reading you again.

Rob

[Patrick Traveler]

This is a powerful poem and a sad read for anyone seeking to build monuments to conquest. I don't know why "complicated" tables stopped me, but it did. It broke the flow for me. Other than that I thought it was perfect and I liked it a lot.

[abu nuwas]

Martial? Well, Alexander and Boucephalos were martial enough, but then, it is the sort of epigrammatic wit which the poet Martial rather excelled in. And he had views about monuments, contending that there was only one wonder of the worlld, the city of Rome. Hmm...Very nicely written.

[Leanne]

Holy smokes! I disappear for a couple of days and all of a sudden the site's gone hyper... I'm trying not to indulge my paranoia by thinking everyone only comes out to play when I'm gone...

Thank you all very much for your input and suggestions -- this is a first draft only, so it will most likely have to be transformed a little. Aish, I will definitely consider that line break -- I get a little precious about mixing up punctuation and such, but sometimes simpler is better. Rob, I quite like "ages"... but the complicated tables/division needs to stay, I have to have my fix of puns you know Suggestions are never useless, I love them all. John, how could you forget? :p Thanks for having a look. Patrick, I may need to address some line breaks and rearrange the words a little in that second stanza -- I want to keep most of the main words intact but thank you for pointing out difficulties, that's excellent feedback. Edward, I didn't even think of old epigrammatic Martial, though perhaps I am a satirical elitist git of the less enduring kind and I can't escape such comparisons!

[Wildcard]

Leanne,
[ind] I've never read Martial. In fact, I've never heard of Martial, but a little abu nuwas and google helped me get a better understanding of the text. Regardless of background, the last (strophe/stanza?) stands on it on. I've come to expect you to just always be awesome and maybe I don't tell you enough. I truly don't see a thing wrong with it, the way it is.
Thanks for sharing.

[Leanne]

AA, honestly, this has nothing to do with Martial the man! (Though it can if you want it to, of course). I just meant martial because it's a battle. Please don't tell me I'm awesome, there's far too much evidence to say otherwise

[Wildcard]

I still don't know who he is . . . and your evidence is rubbish. :p

[Leanne]

Here’s the one you read, and you demand,
Martial, who is known throughout the land
for these witty little books of epigrams:
to whom, wise reader, you keep giving,
while he still feels, among the living,
what few poets merit in their graves.

-- from Epigrams, Book 1 by Martial

[abu nuwas]

Thank you for the Martial, Leanne. Although it cannot capture the snap of the original, it certainly picks up pretty well everything else, dirty old bastard that he was. I just spent a pleasant 15 minutes or so, going down the list. Tact does not seem to have been his strong suit; but then, I'll guess that people about town were flattered to be included.

[Leanne]

Poor old Lesbia copped a roasting, didn't she?

[abu nuwas]

And some!

[billy]

Edit 26/09/11

Last summer I was the horseless Alexander,
building monuments to conquests I would never make again
while men clamoured for recognition
of their two-footed stumbles.
I could not turn off the sun,
so I hid under their skin.

For ages we burrow, burn and
sup at complicated tables,
with tongues and hands
helplessly divided.

What good are accolades, shining shields
and ceremony, when the earth itself
rejects you?

very warlike, yet very questioning, as though a sickness for the fight descended, but on a personal level. everyone has said anything i could think of, the new enjambment works better i think.
i really thought i'd left a reply on this, sorry.

[Leanne]

Cheers billy, and no foul to you for not chiming in earlier -- I've had some excellent feedback and am grateful to everyone.

[Leanne]

quick question -- is this worth publishing or should it be tossed out?

[Todd]

I know I haven't commented yet Leanne. Honest answer (as always): it's got good breaks. It's solid. The thing that makes it publishable for me is the idea of the speaker diminishing themselves to burrow and hide inside the skin of these dim lights. As a stand alone it's good enough. If it was in a collection where you could make this one point of a broader theme, it would sing.

Quick answer: yes

[billy]

everything is worth publishing, even the shite. this though, isn't shite. it's a good solid write that makes a point. i can't see as it needs any surgery. if it did i'd say no, don't publish. but as i say, the thing is publishable because it's a good poem

[Leanne]

Cheers, gentlemen. It will be part of a collection so it doesn't matter too much, I suppose, but I don't like the idea of putting anything substandard out there for public consumption... the substandard stuff just gets inflicted on you poor buggers!