Hypnotic

[Aish]

Version3

Hypnotic

your tongue
slips and skips,

like
the navel
of the sea

salmonswimming
upstream
as it scribes
liquid aums

in
the magnetized silk
of my vagina -
before you
crucify me,

nailing my palms

to undulant dissolution

galaxies
pouring
from my mouth.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Version 2

Hypnotic

like
the navel
of the sea

your tongue
slips and skips,

salmonswimming
upstream
as it scribes
liquid aums

in
the magnetized silk
of my vagina -
before you
crucify me

to undulant dissolution

galaxies
pouring
from my mouth.





---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Version 1

Hypnotic

like
the navel
of the sea

your tongue
slips and skips,

salmonswimming
upstream
as it scribes
liquid aums

in
the magnetized silk
of my vagina -
before you
crucify me,

nailing my palms
to undulant dissolution

galaxies
pouring
from my mouth.

[Todd]

I'm not even sure how to start with this one Aish. Adult content...yep. These are the poems you spend time with, and the writer ends up screaming no, no, no it's a metaphor for doing the laundry. Assuming that's not the case, here goes:

Hypnotic-- great title that also serves as a sort of first line. I sort of connected this with magnetized later. We have a sense of the lulling of the will, the lowering of inhibitions.

like
the navel
of the sea--probably misinterpreting but I'm seeing this as purely physical and sensual. I get an eastern feel to it all and a sea has a sense of a life spring. I'm free associating now.

your tongue
slips and skips,

salmonswimming--love this. It really adds to the slips and skips image. It makes the tounge like something that has its own volition.
upstream
as it scribes
liquid aums--upstream is a good directional word in establishing the act taking place. The scribing of liquid aums...eastern, religious, act of worship, overlaying the specific act taking place. Like upstream it describes a particular motion and rhythm.

in
the magnetized silk
of my vagina ---magnetized silk is evocative as hell, and I like that you didn't layer the image but got direct.
before you
crucify me,--an interesting way to imply being nailed.

nailing my palms--because of that colloquial attachment to crucify you may not need this line
to undulant dissolution

galaxies
pouring
from my mouth.--stunning last lines

I've never posted anything on this theme here, but I can tell you that I'm positive that I wouldn't pull it off a quarter as well as you did here. This read was like clutching fire. Very nice Aish.

Best,

Todd

[Aish]

It's about laundry! Laundry, I tell you!

Todd,
Your feedback is appreciated as always. You didn't miss a beat, and I'm delighted the nuances spoke openly, enhancing the experience instead of obscuring it.
I took what you said about the 'nailing my palms' line to heart, and posted a modified version.

Namaste,
Aish

[Wildcard]

I can't think too clearly when I read this.

I have tried to read this objectively quite a few times, but all I wind up doing is imagine my tongue is doing the 'slipping and skipping'

I guess that means something in itself though

Nice job, Aish

Hypnotic

like
the navel
of the sea

your tongue
slips and skips, --to this point I have already become lost in the excellent, sloshy imagery and then you remind me of the adult content warning here and wake me back up

salmonswimming --Come on with it Nice word.
upstream
as it scribes
liquid aums --honestly had to Google on this

in
the magnetized silk
of my vagina -
before you
crucify me --I see Madonna for some reason . . .

to undulant dissolution

galaxies
pouring
from my mouth.

The Madonna thing is just me being weird and remembering a video from my childhood at the wrong time I think.

Well done as always.

[Aish]

Mark,

You filthy bugger!



I'm happy your various bits responded. Madonna never entered my mind until you brought it up, now I have that video in MY head.
In an odd way, I am kind of giggling over the Madonna/Whore scenario, since I suppose this poem could represent a personality/relationship that embodies both.

Nice to have you here, in my sphere. Missed you.

[Wildcard]

Nice to have you here, in my sphere. Missed you.

><

[billy]

why the repeat?

Hypnotic

like
the navel
of the sea great little stanza buy as a continuation of the title it loses something, would swapping this stanza with the next help this one better stand out?

your tongue
slips and skips, i like this, specially in relation to the above.

salmonswimming should it be salmon swimming, or was it intentional?
upstream
as it scribes
liquid aums i take this as a singular purpose in one of them reaching nirvana, and chanting like shit in order to concentrate, the image of a sperm, one hand clapping is indeed pleasing

in
the magnetized silk
of my vagina - great image, feeling, expectation
before you
crucify me
i see, you took the nailed out, for me the nailed is a solid image. that though a little cliche, worked well in this instance, if you just used nailed in it's own line, it would transition to the next and hold more than one meaning. (i think :blush) though of course it's just a suggestion
to undulant dissolution

galaxies
pouring
from my mouth. a solid image i'd like to discuss with you in a private pm
some good images, the last metaphorical image being my favourite.

thanks for the read

[Todd]

What's annoying about poetry is images fix in your mind much easier than just about anything else:

So, thank you Aish for magnetized silk. I will carry that into my dementia.

[Aish]

Billy,
Hypnotic was always the first word of the piece and I thought it made a fitting title, so I suppose the repetition was laziness. I made a third edit, to reflect your suggestions. I will ponder upon them all for a bit. Your impression of the final strophe made me laugh and blush. In all honesty I hadn't considered that possibility, but once pointed out it made perfect sense. Thanks for adding a layer to the metaphor.

Todd,
You're welcome

[billy]

it's why god gave women knees

now i see the third edit, i'm torn as to if i were right or wrong in my suggestion concerning the 1st and 2nd stanza.
i think the title's okay as far as the poem goes, i was just thinking which stanza would made it give more of a contribution.
as a matter of fact my love making often left women in an hypnotic state

i never thought about it till now but i think (adult content) takes something away. deprives the reader of reaching their own orga conclusion. while, it's adult, it isn't filthy adult.

[Todd]

I like version 3. I think the new opening is a stronger choice.

Just my lodestone pointing toward north thoughts.

[Aish]

Billy, hypnotized or scared into submission?

I don't mind removing the warning.

I'm vacillating between version 2 and version 3.

Todd, you're salmonswimming

[billy]

seeing as i suggested it, i'd go with the third