Midnight

[Aish]

Silk worm looms
starry darkness
and hangs gossamer moon:

a soulful artisan.

[billy]

you're getting the idea

soulful artisan isn't an image though and the syntax of the 1st line feels off.
grammar was seldom used except for the dash or cut --
so commas should be sparing if at all. the image has to be tangible, something you see, not something imagined.

i said in my tennis haiku.

Wimbledon fortnight, thinking about it that's more a thought than an image.
so now i would change it to simply;

Wimbledon
eating cream and strawberries-
rain stops play

ignoring the 5,7,5 syl count is the only poetic licence we have with a haiku.
so if you think about it, your feedback has made me do two edits to my haiku....Thanks.

[billy]

i only just noticed the extra syl count, as long as the poem isn't to long that it makes the reader take a breath, it's okay.

[Aish]

Thank you for all your help, Billy!

So - I think I will rearrange things a bit and post this as a short but regular piece, because I like
the bedtime story vibe. I will, however, work on writing a new haiku or senryu today.

---

Billy, I re-worked this a little bit. Can you move it somewhere such as mild critique?

[Leanne]

Sorted, Aish

I love the notion of the silk worm both looming and "looming starry darkness", it gives the impression of a slightly menacing creator.

[billy]

i love the last line

[Aish]

Thank you both!

[John Holland]

Wow...! The richness is superb.

[Aish]

Thank you, John. I'm happy to see you posting.

[writeitout]

Silk worm looms
starry darkness
and hangs gossamer moon:

a soulful artisan.

A soothing visual in brevity. I do wonder if "artisan" is the best choice? The image is stilled in the moment of your words. The feelings you share made me sigh. A relaxing work that lingers with the reader long after the page is turned.

[Aish]

Thank you for the comment and welcome!

Do you have a suggestion to replace artisan?

[marc]

I so love the Asian understatement of this piece. Beautifully written, a vision, a tiny glimpse into mysteries of the night.

Marc

[Aish]

Marc,
Thank you so much for the lovely comment. I am very happy it touched you. Welcome to our little corner of the webverse.

[Wildcard]

I have read this twenty times and it just now clicked. I can be very dense sometimes. I was thinking of only the one meaning of 'loom'. This is gorgeous to me because the words not only convey the silky message well, but seem loosely fitted together, flowing. JMO but I like artisan.

[Aish]

You aren't dense - you're learning. Thank you very much for the comments, I appreciate them. (I like artisan, too).

[billy]

i just had another read, and for such a short piece, it gets better with each read.

[Aish]

That is so sweet, Billy! High praise!

[Todd]

Like some others have commented, I've read this dozens of times. I'm in love with how you use looms (beautiful double use of the word). I also love the idea of the sky and a gosamer moon being displayed in silk. Everything in those first few lines means what it means and means something else at a slight slant. That's the kind of condensed power I like to read in poetry.

I love the idea of a soulful artisan though it doesn't have the same two-fold meaning that the rest of the poem does (imo). If this were mine (and I don't tend to write beautiful things) I would be tempted to rename the poem A Soulful Artisan and have the first three lines be the poem.

Though that's a minor style quibble at most. It's truly stunning whatever you do with it.

Best,

Todd

[Wildcard]

Todd, even your crit is like poetry. Everything you said is true about this poem, I just didn't have the words to say it like that.

[Aish]

He's amazing, isn't he?