First post for newbie

[only rob]

Process




When you see a star
as a bullet-hole in god’s sable
shroud
or a homeless vet as a king
when the ring ‘round your tub
is a commentary
on the class division in Ameriky
or a single soggy cheerio
a rebuttal
of adult superiority –

when you see academics as the cloud
hanging over a library
as gargoyles
or your mind erupts
with love songs
for an aged truck
with love-stained seats from
a midnight

assignation –

when words erupt from a pen, a crayon
your mouth, like diarrhea from a goose
on the loose where empty leaves
are unborn children
and the very sky begs for your poems –

when you madness yourself thinking
in metaphors and odd yourself
to your fellows
or bellow sonnets without
provocation
in a biker bar –

or if you find yourself screaming
the truth to the blind ears
of the merchant
with adjectives scattered through
a run-on sentence that flows
like a river in Xanadu
because you must
inflict magic on journals
that proclaim the glory
of Dick and freakin' Jane
and pages of navel gazing
drivel cause you physical pain -

when you trust yourself to plead
on behalf of the thinker
the verbose tinkerer
in a desert of empty verse -

when you cut yourself
on the world
and bleed words -


you just might be a poet.

[abu nuwas]

Welcome Rob! I shall leave to others the proper critical process, mainly because I have to go out. It has a good smack of Kipling's 'If..' crossed with a little Coleridge. I enjoyed it.

[Todd]

Hi Rob,

Welcome to the forums! It was good to read your poem. Since this is mild, I'll confine myself to a few comments. You have some great imagery here. The academies line as a cloud and then gargoyles, empty leaves as unborn children, and a lot more. I normally cringe reading writing about writing, but I really liked this.

I also liked your strophe break over asignation.

Really, a lot more I could point out that worked well. I was unsure of what your curtain line really did for you standing alone. Most of your line breaks seem good to me, it was just that one I had issues with. Also, I think what you're doing with your first line in breaking it early for mystery is perfectly valid.

Alternatively you could play with it a bit:

When you see a star as a bullet-
hole in god’s velvet

Granted that may be too cute.

Lot of momentum though, fun read.

Thanks for the post.

Best,

Todd

[only rob]

Thanks for the substantive critique. That's what I'm here for. I will return to do an edit eventually, and will take your kind notes into consideration. I'll read you soon and return the favor. I appreciate your taking the time to read a new member.

[Wildcard]

Hi Rob,
Welcome to the forum. I'll start by saying that you make me a little jealous. Your writing is beautiful and the images you convey were not only well thought out, but provided me with nice surprises throughout. It may just be lack of understanding, but I didn't get 'when you madness yourself.' Did you mean 'madden' instead of 'madness'? The next line about 'odd'ing yourself from your friends makes me think that both uses are intentional, but while 'odd' works for me, 'madness' doesn't. Jmo
It's great to see you posting. I am brand new at poetry so take my criticisms with a grain of salt. I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing.

[only rob]

Thanks. The madness and odding were on purpose. I'll take another look at those after I gain a bit of distance and return to edit.

[Leanne]

"when you see academics as the cloud
hanging over a library
as gargoyles" -- oh god, I'm doomed, they so ARE!

We don't have biker bars here, the bikies pretty much frequent every bar and keep their own little corner... but I'm going to try that, just to see what happens (Most of them are actually pretty literate though -- they're the guys who used their chemistry degrees for very profitable purposes)

And the less I say about those damn journals, the better...

Love it, Rob. Welcome!

[billy]

not a lot to say constructively rob
maybe say i've heard of velvet curtain in other places and that it may feel a little cliche. but that would i think be unfair.

when you madness yourself thinking
in metaphors and odd yourself
to your fellows
or bellow sonnets without
provocation
in a biker bar

the above like the rest of the poem is a roller coaster ride in words. i usually hate poets writing about poets but not here, you've done the deed well, some of the images are extremely well written. Abu mentioned the if poem and i agree, except this is the when poem for coming of age poets. welcome again to the forum

[ckeo]

Writing can be obsessive and exiling at times when others around you have no sense of artistic expression, they are referred to as purists and are not your peers.

I enjoyed this and I really loved the flow, it held my attention (which is really short),
the only thing I felt did not quite fit was the Velvet thing which has already been mentioned,
and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Welcome to the forum and thank you for not making me reach for a dictionary.

[only rob]

"when you see academics as the cloud
hanging over a library
as gargoyles" -- oh god, I'm doomed, they so ARE!

We don't have biker bars here, the bikies pretty much frequent every bar and keep their own little corner... but I'm going to try that, just to see what happens (Most of them are actually pretty literate though -- they're the guys who used their chemistry degrees for very profitable purposes)

And the less I say about those damn journals, the better...

Love it, Rob. Welcome!

I just love it when Aussies and Kiwis call them bikies. It makes me want to tease them/us. The biggest rush I get from poetry thus far, is when I do an open mic where the crowd only wants another drink in' song, and get them rockin' to spoken word.

I think I'm gonna like it here. Did you know Mercedes from the bad place? She's retracing Kerouac's footsteps across Ameriky as the subject of her doctoral thesis. Pretty cool that a middle aged Kiwi is doing that on her own, with all those trains and long dogs. She's gonna be here for the weekend in our wee poet's circle on my deck. I just love that of about six of us, I will be the only one without an advanced degree, or an infatuation with B.C. lol.

[Leanne]

I'm pretty sure Mercedes isn't infatuated with the dreaded B.C Please give her a big hello from me -- she's supposed to be heading to Queensland at some point soon so I'm hoping to catch up with her then.

I don't do recitals anymore -- my ex-husband did slightly bad things to my confidence levels, but I'm working back up to it -- but one of the biggest thrills I got, back in the day, was from a young tradesman who said "I don't really understand most of what you're talking about, but I like it so much it makes me want to".

[only rob]

I'm pretty sure Mercedes isn't infatuated with the dreaded B.C Please give her a big hello from me -- she's supposed to be heading to Queensland at some point soon so I'm hoping to catch up with her then.

I don't do recitals anymore -- my ex-husband did slightly bad things to my confidence levels, but I'm working back up to it -- but one of the biggest thrills I got, back in the day, was from a young tradesman who said "I don't really understand most of what you're talking about, but I like it so much it makes me want to".

What a great comment. I haven't done a reading in awhile, but my new volume will be out soon, so I'll have to make the rounds. I'm fortunate to have some good local poet friends so we read and workshop often. I wish you would start reading again. Your voice is much too strong to let anyone diminish your spirit.