Brother

[grannyjill]

Brother

When I look at you I see him,
You possess the same build.
A six-footer, slim,
An unapproachable Errol Flynn
with handsome face made
grim by the look in his eyes.
Always elegantly turned out,
with not a hair out of place.

Yes, he was a dapper man
with expensive tastes,
indulged by the sacrifices
others make.
Purchasing tea by the ounce,
poor quality meat, broken biscuits
and damaged fruit,
But, my word, he looked the business
in his bespoke suit.

When I see his shadow
appearing on your face;
when I see the black dog
seeming to win the race;
I shiver and push the image
to the back of my brain.
I tell myself, it's a trick of the light
And then I breathe again.

You and I harbour no bitterness
and feel no regret.
We survived unscathed....
Yet, I would guess
in some unreachable parts
of our two battered hearts
some tiny scars
remain.
----------------------------------------------------

[Todd]

Hi Jill,

I'm sure I remember this one from you (maybe remembering an early revision). Here are some comments for you.

Brother

When I look at you I see him,
You possess the same build.--don't think you need you possess. You could also replace the period with a comma
A six-footer, slim,
An unapproachable Errol Flynn
with handsome face made
grim by the look in his eyes.--something more definite here (tired look, haunted look) or alternatively grim by haunted eyes...lot of options.
Always elegantly turned out,
with not a hair out of place.--cliche you could cut the line

Yes, he was a dapper man
with expensive tastes,
indulged by the sacrifices
others make.
Purchasing tea by the ounce,
poor quality meat, broken biscuits
and damaged fruit,
But, my word, he looked the business
in his bespoke suit.

When I see his shadow
appearing on your face;
when I see the black dog
seeming to win the race;
I shiver and push the image
to the back of my brain.
I tell myself, it's a trick of the light
And then I breathe again.

You and I harbour no bitterness
and feel no regret.
We survived unscathed....
Yet, I would guess
in some unreachable parts
of our two battered hearts
some tiny scars
remain.
----------------------------------------------------

I think my main comment is that S2 and S3 have good strong detail and for me the poem ends on and then I breathe again. You have some good writing here but sometimes you say the same thing in a different way and you could pare this down a bit. I'll refrain from saying more because I'm near the limit for the mild forum.

Best,

Todd

[addy]

Very intriguing piece... it offers tantalizing glimpses of the past in an idealized way though the narrative hints say otherwise --- a dapper man in a suit, described as a self-absorbed "black dog", makes for such an interesting spectre from the narrator POV.

Regarding the fourth stanza, I think what weakens it is it's first three lines, which comes of as telly (explaining, rather than demonstrating). For me you could remove them and be left with a stronger poem. So I'd suggest removing or rephrasing it to something more engaging.

[grannyjill]

Thank you, Todd. I knew that you had seen this before, and I didn't expect you to respond. I'm glad that you did.

This is one of the poems which came to me almost entirely as you see it here. It has a particular meaning for me, and is, probably, not a good poem to ask for help with. I'm glad you pointed out the cliche - not a hair out of place (I'll certainly work on that). I think I liked the 'handsome face' 'out of place' 'expensive taste' rhyming (I'm such a child). The final verse I will remove (and maybe rewrite) (but if I ever show this to my brother I will put it back).

Bye, Jill

---

Hi, Addy,

What you say about the fourth verse reinforces Todd's view...and I know that you are both right.

The spur for this poem was seeing my brother (who looks so like our father) experiencing the same black moods. "Like father, like son" came to mind....though this is far from the truth.

Bye, grannyjill
Thank you for reading and commenting.

[Wildcard]

Brother

When I look at you I see him,
You possess the same build.
A six-footer, slim,
An unapproachable Errol Flynn (I like this reference. I connect immediately to an image)
with handsome face made
grim by the look in his eyes.
Always elegantly turned out,
with not a hair out of place.

Yes, he was a dapper man
with expensive tastes,
indulged by the sacrifices
others make.
Purchasing tea by the ounce,
poor quality meat, broken biscuits (Do the specific examples help the poem? Can it be said another way?)
and damaged fruit,
But, my word, he looked the business
in his bespoke suit.

When I see his shadow
appearing on your face; (love these two lines (L1&2))
when I see the black dog
seeming to win the race;
I shiver and push the image
to the back of my brain.
I tell myself, it's a trick of the light
And then I breathe again.

maybe this would be a good point to go outside the story with images that speak of the feelings you are transmitting in the last verse.

You and I harbour no bitterness
and feel no regret.
We survived unscathed....
Yet, I would guess
in some unreachable parts
of our two battered hearts
some tiny scars
remain.
----------------------------------------------------

I read your comments about this being a personal piece and I definitely understand. Whatever you choose to do with it, keep in my that finding a more concise way to illuminate the feelings behind your words isn't the same thing as editing something out completely. You can maintain your meaning and reduce the word count, if that's what you think it needs.
Best of luck with this. Great job.

[billy]

Brother

When I look at you I see him,
You possess the same build.
A six-footer, slim,
An unapproachable Errol Flynn
with handsome face made
grim by the look in his eyes.
Always elegantly turned out,
with not a hair out of place.

Yes, he was a dapper man
with expensive tastes,
indulged by the sacrifices
others make.
Purchasing tea by the ounce,
poor quality meat, broken biscuits
and damaged fruit,
But, my word, he looked the business
in his bespoke suit.

When I see his shadow
appearing on your face;
when I see the black dog
seeming to win the race;
I shiver and push the image
to the back of my brain.
I tell myself, it's a trick of the light
And then I breathe again.

You and I harbour no bitterness
and feel no regret.
We survived unscathed....
Yet, I would guess
in some unreachable parts
of our two battered hearts
some tiny scars
remain.
----------------------------------------------------

hi granny, i see it's a personal poem so my suggestions are for future reference only.

This rules;
When I see his shadow
appearing on your face;
when I see the black dog
seeming to win the race;

try and use imagery as much as you can, use metaphors like the one above. someone else mentioned cliche, try and avoid it as much as possible, it's a poem killer on the non personal side of poetry (poetry for a larger audience that 1 or 2)

only use words that you really can't do without.

thanks for the read granny, and all the more so, it being personal