Hope Is a Creature Comfort

[heslopian]

"the worst of anyone
can be, finally,
an accident of hope." - Anne Sexton

The simple beauty of souls,
the idea of them I mean,
flicker so among the wine.
As though two lights
are present there, one outside
the green bottles, one trapped
above the liquor dregs.
They tempt me like a nude woman.

I would believe in dark clearings,
empty deserts, blind seasons,
a bicycle wheel on the road to stasis...
But hope is just as rational
as anger and despair,
the bed much softer than the floor.

[Leanne]

The second stanza is very strong -- I especially like "a bicycle wheel on the road to stasis". The jury's out for me on "comfy", but I like the idea

I would love to see you play with format here to make that first stanza work a little better -- L3-L7 hold good images, but they get lost because we need to tack L8 onto L2 to make the grammar work. Also, italicising "idea" in L2 is probably not required. Instead, you could try italicising from "flickering" to "dregs", or you could experiment with white space -- a neat block of text is not always a good idea.

[heslopian]

Thank you for the feedback Leanne I'll have a play with the first stanza tomorrow. I may divide it into a series of short sentences to make the grammar less convoluted.

[billy]

"the worst of anyone
can be, finally,
an accident of hope." - Anne Sexton
throughout, you use gramma, periods, capped I's comma's etc yet no caps. it's not taboo of course but for me it's better as yay or nay except for a bare minimum.

the simple beauty of the soul, would it read better as 'the simple beauty of souls' of course you'd have to change 'it' to 'them' on the next line.
the idea of it I mean,
flickering among the wine i think this is a fantastic image/line when used in conjunction with souls
as though two lights
are present there, one outside
the green bottles, one trapped
above the liqour dregs, [liquor]
tempts me like a nude woman. it feels like a very long sentence, a period mid verse, after wine maybe. if that were the case 'as though' wouldn't be needed, you could then put 'they at the beginning of L8...just a suggestion to think about

I would believe in dark clearings,
empty deserts, blind seasons,
repeating themselves
like a washing machine, for me, this line isn't needed, it feels out of sync with what precedes it
a bicycle wheel on the road to stasis, solid image i like it a lot
but hope is just as rational
as anger and despair,
the bed more comfy than the floor. good closing

the last line ties in perfectly with the title. some brilliant images

i won't mention the intro because you know how i feel in general..oops i did somehow (for me) the poem feels a like she owns a bit of it and as the reader i know it's all jacks. i don't want to really see what influenced the poem in this instance, i only want to enjoy that the writer was influenced and how,

really good read jack, thanks.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your feedback Bilbo I'll use your suggestions regarding the first stanza in a mo. Also thanks for the heads up on the spelling mistake. I think I'll also capitalise the first letters of the sentences.
Actually Anne Sexton didn't influence this poem. After I'd written it I read the poem I took the epigraph from and saw how the fragment was about the same thing. I like epigraphs because I think they show all literature and art can be connected, from the oldest Italian sonnet to the scribblings of a mad housewife. But if you feel these introductions encroach on the work I'll certainly think twice about including them.
Thanks again.

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

Here are some comments for you:

"the worst of anyone
can be, finally,
an accident of hope." - Anne Sexton

The simple beauty of souls,
the idea of them I mean,
flicker so among the wine.--Absolutely love this image.
As though two lights
are present there, one outside
the green bottles, one trapped--That there are two lights and they are seperate (trapped in a sense like a genie) makes me think of a disconnect between the material and spritual. Minor suggestion: maybe make bottles singular. I can see why it could be plural but making it one interaction that represents more seems better to me (though it's probably just my OCD ).
above the liquor dregs.--dregs is a great word. I was tempted to cut liquor since you already introduced wine but I reconsidered. I like the reminder. The image also makes me think of the idea of creativity found in drink.
They tempt me like a nude woman.--for those that have read you. I may take this to mean they tempt you not at all. I may read this more ironically than if I had written it.

I would believe in dark clearings,
empty deserts, blind seasons,--great phrasing here
repeating themselves
like a washing machine,--not a real fan of this line. I don't think it's necessary (imo) but I could be missing something
a bicycle wheel on the road to stasis...--this though I like this image. I think why I like the bicycle wheel and not the washing machine might be because one is simple and the other is complex machinery. It's like the poem seems to be pointing at philosophical truth and the washing machine to me feels out of place and cumbersome--not sure if that makes any sense at all.
But hope is just as rational
as anger and despair,
the bed more comfy than the floor.--maybe softer instead of more comfy. Though that could just be a style choice.

I think this one works mostly because of it's solid images. It was a good read Jack. Thanks.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback and kind words, Todd
The nude woman wasn't supposed to be ironic. She was intended to be tempting to the narrator. I did think about putting nude man or fellow, but no word seemed to create as good a flow in my head as woman.
I'll remove the washing machine line once I've finished this.
Would "much softer" work better than "more comfy"?
Thanks again, Todd.

[Todd]

I prefer much softer Jack.